Put it up, for at least temporarily - one of the many versions of my gmail trend visualization based off the Crossfilter code:
http://www.wildfire.robotocracy.com/cross.html
Probably best to remember to take it down, just in case of incriminating email subjects?
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
LoL: World Playoffs
Just putting a note down for you so you know what to watch:
Day 1: CLG vs. SK
Good game
Day 1: Dignitas vs. CLG-EU
The first game with Dignitas, which has decided to roll with a new meta - AP Gragas (scarra) bot, Taric and Shyvana double-jungle. But CLG-EU seems more or less ready for this plan? They put Sona mid with Orianna and let Kog'Maw handle Gragas alone bot. Wickd plays Irelia top.
Day 1: CLG vs. SK
Good game
Day 1: Dignitas vs. CLG-EU
The first game with Dignitas, which has decided to roll with a new meta - AP Gragas (scarra) bot, Taric and Shyvana double-jungle. But CLG-EU seems more or less ready for this plan? They put Sona mid with Orianna and let Kog'Maw handle Gragas alone bot. Wickd plays Irelia top.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Dead Space 2, Day 5
Today is not going well so far. Xian has barely booted it up and looked a few empty rooms before Isaac has a hallucination and Xian now refuses to move forward. Nothing helps. We paused to look at kittens on the internet for a bit, but there's still a lot of crying and whining when we resume. The game allows him to save far too often - why even have those save slots? We barely killed even one creature since the last save point!
We reach a window with a live person on the other side, and for a second, I thought that it was going to be another ugly cut scene and that the evening of Dead Space was going to get cut very, very short. But, it turned out to be our pals. Of course the door's jammed, so we can't actually join up. That'd be sensible, staying in a group with all these monsters around. And the last thing we want to do in a game like this is be sensible! So it's through the processing plant for Isaac to get to the other side. Nevermind that it's not meant to be crossed by an actual person. Again, see note on sensibility.
Xian is creeping along a metal walkway when the plant comes online and he freaks out badly. Nothing's attacking, I try to reassure him, but I think both he and I know that a game like Dead Space would only be making this much noise if they wanted to obscure the sound of a monster about to attack. And sure enough, two more inches of creeping along results in dark creepers bursting out and running straight at Isaac. They pretty much give Xian a heart attack - they're pretty fast. He doesn't lose much health, but he says he lost a few years of his life, and can't afford to see that scene again, so he goes back to the last save slot from two moments ago and saves yet again.
Time to get through the processing plant. All the grindy bits you'd expect from an acme cartoon are off, thanks to Ellie, but guess who shows up and turns them all back on? That... one guy... who's out to get you... for some reason that I forget. Whatever his motivations, the plant is on and ready to grind Isaac up to a pulp, and only his stasis and very slow mini-jets are going to get him through. Xian is much better at these timing-or-death things than me, and is vastly less stressed by them. He marches through steadily.
Ok, criticism time, are you ready, Dead Space? I've lavished praise on you for your setpieces and immersiveness, but your weakness seems to be those menus that you've been so good about avoiding. There's not many, but the few that one is forced to deal with are actually pretty obtuse. I like the pictures of items, but the way they are laid out makes it somewhat difficult to determine what you have in inventory vs. what is for sale vs. what you have in storage, and how many slots of each there are, etc. etc. Just a side note.
During this time, Xian has made it all the way through the processing plant without even dying once, killing another one of those gigantic blobs that flings homing bombs along the way. Go figure that you'd have to fight two of those in two consecutive chapters.
We met up with Ellie and Stross and reached chapter 9 (of 15, I looked it up) and things are now progressing more smoothly that Xian has somewhat accepted his fate. He has to repeat one sequence a few times, with a window blowing out very close to where he was standing, and there was another gigantic room full of hunters, but he made it with minimal death. But he called it quits after he had to exit a tram he was travelling in with Ellie and Stross to do some manual repairs. Always a bad idea in Dead Space.
We reach a window with a live person on the other side, and for a second, I thought that it was going to be another ugly cut scene and that the evening of Dead Space was going to get cut very, very short. But, it turned out to be our pals. Of course the door's jammed, so we can't actually join up. That'd be sensible, staying in a group with all these monsters around. And the last thing we want to do in a game like this is be sensible! So it's through the processing plant for Isaac to get to the other side. Nevermind that it's not meant to be crossed by an actual person. Again, see note on sensibility.
Xian is creeping along a metal walkway when the plant comes online and he freaks out badly. Nothing's attacking, I try to reassure him, but I think both he and I know that a game like Dead Space would only be making this much noise if they wanted to obscure the sound of a monster about to attack. And sure enough, two more inches of creeping along results in dark creepers bursting out and running straight at Isaac. They pretty much give Xian a heart attack - they're pretty fast. He doesn't lose much health, but he says he lost a few years of his life, and can't afford to see that scene again, so he goes back to the last save slot from two moments ago and saves yet again.
Time to get through the processing plant. All the grindy bits you'd expect from an acme cartoon are off, thanks to Ellie, but guess who shows up and turns them all back on? That... one guy... who's out to get you... for some reason that I forget. Whatever his motivations, the plant is on and ready to grind Isaac up to a pulp, and only his stasis and very slow mini-jets are going to get him through. Xian is much better at these timing-or-death things than me, and is vastly less stressed by them. He marches through steadily.
Ok, criticism time, are you ready, Dead Space? I've lavished praise on you for your setpieces and immersiveness, but your weakness seems to be those menus that you've been so good about avoiding. There's not many, but the few that one is forced to deal with are actually pretty obtuse. I like the pictures of items, but the way they are laid out makes it somewhat difficult to determine what you have in inventory vs. what is for sale vs. what you have in storage, and how many slots of each there are, etc. etc. Just a side note.
During this time, Xian has made it all the way through the processing plant without even dying once, killing another one of those gigantic blobs that flings homing bombs along the way. Go figure that you'd have to fight two of those in two consecutive chapters.
We met up with Ellie and Stross and reached chapter 9 (of 15, I looked it up) and things are now progressing more smoothly that Xian has somewhat accepted his fate. He has to repeat one sequence a few times, with a window blowing out very close to where he was standing, and there was another gigantic room full of hunters, but he made it with minimal death. But he called it quits after he had to exit a tram he was travelling in with Ellie and Stross to do some manual repairs. Always a bad idea in Dead Space.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Mass Effect, Day 1, Part 3
By the time I wake up, the Normandy is already making straight for the Citadel, the seat of galactic government, to make a direct report to the Council. I'm pretty convinced that the vision was of the ancient Prothean race, getting obliterated by a race of sentient machines called Reapers. The Council scoffs at the very notion, AND at my accusations that Saren has gone rogue and is behind the re-appearance of the geth (another race of sentient machines, not actually related to the Reapers, more on that later). They kept the politics part of it mercifully short, but to summarize, the human race has only been on the scene in a faster-than-light sense for 26 years, a baby compared to the other races. And even other races that have been represented by embassies on the Citadel for hundreds of years don't have a seat on the extremely exclusive, important-decision-making Council. Being the American-flavored humans we are, we're pushing hard to get a seat, despite our youth, and a brief war with the turians after First Contact. I imagine we're seen as a bunch of young hotheads by these older races, but aren't we always portrayed that way in sci fi?
At any rate, time to find me some proof. Naturally there's a couple paths that lead to the same thing - me getting more teammates. I hope you weren't expecting something else. I pick up three new team members, all of different races and backgrounds. Hurray for diversity! (Actually the human members of my crew aren't all that open-armed with their welcome, but surely we can work together and overcome our differences, etc etc). Garrus is a turian member of Citadel security (C-Sec) but he's pretty disillusioned with the amount of bureaucracy that is involved with stopping the bad guys, so he signs up with me instead. Wrex is a krogan, a race of warrior-like, somewhat toad-looking creatures. And Tali is the one with the actual evidence; a seldom-seen race called quarians, who wear full enviro-suits, so you can't really see anything about her, except that she likes the color purple, I guess. She has an audio recording that she took out of one of the geth before it self-destructed on her, which clearly has Saren's voice on it, giving orders to geth. The Council is forced to agree to name Saren rogue, and dismays at who could possibly go after him! Why, Shepard, of course! After Shepard helps every last person on this god-forsaken floating fortress find their lost dog and reconcile with their significant others. Gotta love me some sidequests.
I actually messaged Xian late in the night, asking how I change party members (you can only bring two along with you at a time) and he said, "you go back to your ship". I said, "what ship" and that's when we all realized that I was doing too many sidequests and not enough actual game. If you just go back to the Council a second time, they finally promote you to Spectre status, and the human Alliance representatives name you captain of the Normandy - forced retirement for Captain Andersen! Sorry! Anyway, this is how I break games. Hang on while I wrap up all the rest of the missions to be found on the Citadel.
At any rate, time to find me some proof. Naturally there's a couple paths that lead to the same thing - me getting more teammates. I hope you weren't expecting something else. I pick up three new team members, all of different races and backgrounds. Hurray for diversity! (Actually the human members of my crew aren't all that open-armed with their welcome, but surely we can work together and overcome our differences, etc etc). Garrus is a turian member of Citadel security (C-Sec) but he's pretty disillusioned with the amount of bureaucracy that is involved with stopping the bad guys, so he signs up with me instead. Wrex is a krogan, a race of warrior-like, somewhat toad-looking creatures. And Tali is the one with the actual evidence; a seldom-seen race called quarians, who wear full enviro-suits, so you can't really see anything about her, except that she likes the color purple, I guess. She has an audio recording that she took out of one of the geth before it self-destructed on her, which clearly has Saren's voice on it, giving orders to geth. The Council is forced to agree to name Saren rogue, and dismays at who could possibly go after him! Why, Shepard, of course! After Shepard helps every last person on this god-forsaken floating fortress find their lost dog and reconcile with their significant others. Gotta love me some sidequests.
I actually messaged Xian late in the night, asking how I change party members (you can only bring two along with you at a time) and he said, "you go back to your ship". I said, "what ship" and that's when we all realized that I was doing too many sidequests and not enough actual game. If you just go back to the Council a second time, they finally promote you to Spectre status, and the human Alliance representatives name you captain of the Normandy - forced retirement for Captain Andersen! Sorry! Anyway, this is how I break games. Hang on while I wrap up all the rest of the missions to be found on the Citadel.
AC: R, Day 6
That's it, I've got too many games on my plate to let this linger. To the endgame, my fellow assassins, and make it snappy.
Sorry, outlying countryside, I don't have time to defend all of you from Templars anymore. Time to abuse my assassin signals and plow headlong to the final confrontation. Make it rain, my brethren. Make it rain... arrows. When we left off, we had another Altair memory sequence to run through (still haven't figured out how Ezio is seeing these without... an Animus, or something). Altair is now 62 (isn't that terribly ancient for back then?) and methodically stirring a rebellion against the same man who usurped him nearly 40 years ago now. Altair has really learned patience, but is this really the time for it? This dude ruined the order with 40 years of poor rule, and Altair only just now decides to do something about it? Well, whatever his motives, he just marches in and all the real assassins recognize his awesomeness and flock to his cause. Also, it's become clear that the Order has fallen from glory under crap leadership, so it's time for mutiny. Altair is so old, you can't do much aside from walk implacably through Masayaf while your new converts destroy everything in your path. I lost 100% synch for "not killing anyone" because I didn't realize that using the assassin signals counted as ME killing someone. Ah well. Altair walks straight up to the traitor (I forget how to spell his name) and reveals that the Apple he's been studying so intently has basically told him all about the past and future, and punctuates this point by pulling out the hidden pistol and murdering his enemy at twenty paces. Nice shot, Altair. Nice anachronism, too.
Back in Ezio's timeline, I'm looking for a way to set sail for Manuel's hidden city, where he's supposedly raising an army against the sultan. But the law enforcement in Constantinople has blocked off all water routes out of the city, by simple expedient of raising a massive chain across the mouth of the port. Sorry, dudes, but this does not deter Ezio Auditore. I roll up to the base of the chain and blow it to high hell with a massive bomb, provided by Yusuf. And then I parkour myself through the flaming wreckage of every boat in the harbor to casually hop onto mine as it saunters out of port. Do boats saunter? Ezio's does. Anyway. Manual has created an entire underground city for his rebellion force, and they're busily amassing guns - my not-quite-traitor friend (the one I mostly accidentally killed before) was providing them with fake weapons, but the gunpower, a spy inside the city tells me, is plenty real enough. That's all I need to hear, lady spy. I'm Ezio. I also blow this city to bloody smithereens, and then kill Manuel as he tries to flee. Prince Ahmet reveals himself as a Templar leader, and makes threats against Sofia (my bookkeeping lady friend!) as he sails back to Constantinople. I give chase, taking a look at the final Masayaf key memory as we sail.
The memory is of an ancient Altair (92!) who is now the venerable leader of the assassins, sending off Marco Polo with a bit of casual murder in the streets of Masayaf. I don't know, either, it's not explained very well. I guess some pirate raiders were trying to start something? I couldn't tell you. All I know is, Altair is way too old to fight, so he just uses the powers of the Apple to obliterate everything in his path and then affably sees off Marco Polo and his family on their way back to Venice via Constantinople. Before Marco leaves, Altair hands him the Masayaf keys to hide.
Back in Ezio's Constantinople, I have all the keys, but Ahmet has Sofia. During the course of the game, Ubisoft has made a solid 180 from it's view on women in the last game (different writers, I suppose) and now Ezio is "a strong admirer" of Sofia's "strong will and noble character". Trust me, if you played the last two, this is a very different Ezio. I guess old age has brought him a modicum of respect for women? It seems so unlikely. Anyway. Ezio exchanged the keys for Sofia's life, and we get into another chariot fight, as with the one at the beginning of the game. You had to figure you wouldn't get out without another. This time, to spice it up, Ezio pulls his parachute and does some parasailing/stabbing, which should be the next Olympic sport.
To wrap things up, Sofia and Ezio travel to Masayaf and open that fateful door, which turns out to hold the very last memory key, of Altair seeing off his son, hiding the apple in the tomb, and putting himself in his final resting place. Ezio looks right at the apple, and then speaks into the silence. "I don't know how you are hearing this, Desmond, but I know that you are listening," he says. He understands that he's merely a conduit for some kind of message to someone named Desmond, and he also knows that his part in this story is over. It's time for Ezio to settle down and do that family stuff that he's rightfully earned. He seals the apple back up, and Desmond sees another part of that 'message' we've been talking about - the ancient civilization we've been getting hints of realizes the approach of a world-ending calamity and creates six secret research facilities dedicated to the survival of the two races, but nothing really works. Desmond wakes up after this and announces that he knows where his group needs to go next. As usual, nothing is explained, and the incredibly long credits roll. Sorry, I guess, if you thought something was going to be "Revealed". You were misled by the title.
Sorry, outlying countryside, I don't have time to defend all of you from Templars anymore. Time to abuse my assassin signals and plow headlong to the final confrontation. Make it rain, my brethren. Make it rain... arrows. When we left off, we had another Altair memory sequence to run through (still haven't figured out how Ezio is seeing these without... an Animus, or something). Altair is now 62 (isn't that terribly ancient for back then?) and methodically stirring a rebellion against the same man who usurped him nearly 40 years ago now. Altair has really learned patience, but is this really the time for it? This dude ruined the order with 40 years of poor rule, and Altair only just now decides to do something about it? Well, whatever his motives, he just marches in and all the real assassins recognize his awesomeness and flock to his cause. Also, it's become clear that the Order has fallen from glory under crap leadership, so it's time for mutiny. Altair is so old, you can't do much aside from walk implacably through Masayaf while your new converts destroy everything in your path. I lost 100% synch for "not killing anyone" because I didn't realize that using the assassin signals counted as ME killing someone. Ah well. Altair walks straight up to the traitor (I forget how to spell his name) and reveals that the Apple he's been studying so intently has basically told him all about the past and future, and punctuates this point by pulling out the hidden pistol and murdering his enemy at twenty paces. Nice shot, Altair. Nice anachronism, too.
Back in Ezio's timeline, I'm looking for a way to set sail for Manuel's hidden city, where he's supposedly raising an army against the sultan. But the law enforcement in Constantinople has blocked off all water routes out of the city, by simple expedient of raising a massive chain across the mouth of the port. Sorry, dudes, but this does not deter Ezio Auditore. I roll up to the base of the chain and blow it to high hell with a massive bomb, provided by Yusuf. And then I parkour myself through the flaming wreckage of every boat in the harbor to casually hop onto mine as it saunters out of port. Do boats saunter? Ezio's does. Anyway. Manual has created an entire underground city for his rebellion force, and they're busily amassing guns - my not-quite-traitor friend (the one I mostly accidentally killed before) was providing them with fake weapons, but the gunpower, a spy inside the city tells me, is plenty real enough. That's all I need to hear, lady spy. I'm Ezio. I also blow this city to bloody smithereens, and then kill Manuel as he tries to flee. Prince Ahmet reveals himself as a Templar leader, and makes threats against Sofia (my bookkeeping lady friend!) as he sails back to Constantinople. I give chase, taking a look at the final Masayaf key memory as we sail.
The memory is of an ancient Altair (92!) who is now the venerable leader of the assassins, sending off Marco Polo with a bit of casual murder in the streets of Masayaf. I don't know, either, it's not explained very well. I guess some pirate raiders were trying to start something? I couldn't tell you. All I know is, Altair is way too old to fight, so he just uses the powers of the Apple to obliterate everything in his path and then affably sees off Marco Polo and his family on their way back to Venice via Constantinople. Before Marco leaves, Altair hands him the Masayaf keys to hide.
Back in Ezio's Constantinople, I have all the keys, but Ahmet has Sofia. During the course of the game, Ubisoft has made a solid 180 from it's view on women in the last game (different writers, I suppose) and now Ezio is "a strong admirer" of Sofia's "strong will and noble character". Trust me, if you played the last two, this is a very different Ezio. I guess old age has brought him a modicum of respect for women? It seems so unlikely. Anyway. Ezio exchanged the keys for Sofia's life, and we get into another chariot fight, as with the one at the beginning of the game. You had to figure you wouldn't get out without another. This time, to spice it up, Ezio pulls his parachute and does some parasailing/stabbing, which should be the next Olympic sport.
To wrap things up, Sofia and Ezio travel to Masayaf and open that fateful door, which turns out to hold the very last memory key, of Altair seeing off his son, hiding the apple in the tomb, and putting himself in his final resting place. Ezio looks right at the apple, and then speaks into the silence. "I don't know how you are hearing this, Desmond, but I know that you are listening," he says. He understands that he's merely a conduit for some kind of message to someone named Desmond, and he also knows that his part in this story is over. It's time for Ezio to settle down and do that family stuff that he's rightfully earned. He seals the apple back up, and Desmond sees another part of that 'message' we've been talking about - the ancient civilization we've been getting hints of realizes the approach of a world-ending calamity and creates six secret research facilities dedicated to the survival of the two races, but nothing really works. Desmond wakes up after this and announces that he knows where his group needs to go next. As usual, nothing is explained, and the incredibly long credits roll. Sorry, I guess, if you thought something was going to be "Revealed". You were misled by the title.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Mass Effect, Day 1, Part 2
Right at the outset you make a couple of conversation choices, but really what they want to do is hustle you into some action before they lose the xbox shooter crowd. It's not the most sophisticated shooting game I've ever experienced, but then again, I'm a PC shooter, myself. I should probably have just played this game on the PC, for heaven's sake. I can hardly hit anything. I begin to miss Jade Empire, which was focused on martial arts and other sorceries that are easy for a console character to excel at. Why does everyone love all this cover-based shooting with two analog sticks? It's neither realistic nor intuitive. Ah well, I'm not concerned. After all, I'm about to grind the hell out of this game, and I'll be so overpowered I'll ruin people before they even see me coming. Unfortunately, it means a little dying at the beginning as I struggle through early levels.
You land on a human colony named Eden Prime to escort a newly-discovered Prothean beacon back to Alliance space. Remember, all our current technology is based on the ruins of old Prothean stuff - finding an intact and working piece of their technology could launch us into new realms of advancement. So it's pretty important. The Council has sent along a Spectre to oversee both the mission and to check you out as a prospect, he's a turian named Nihil. Naturally, before you even finish the mission briefing, something's gone catastrophically wrong - the colony on Eden Prime is under attack by an unknown alien force. Time to get to work. I'm dropped into a hotzone with my buddies Lt. Alenko and Lt. Jenkins and almost immediately, Jenkins bites the big one. He runs out of cover and is gunned down by some kind of android flying bot. Sorry, Jenkins. We barely knew ye.
I fumble around with my guns for... probably longer than is respectful. There isn't much in the way of tutorials - just point and pull the trigger when the reticule is orange, I guess. Too much shooting and my gun overheats. Right bumper button pauses while I mull over weapon choices for the squad, and left bumper pauses while I look at our activate-able powers. That's all I can figure out, but that's probably all there is to it. Luckily, the enemies are pretty much pushovers at this stage, and we soon run into a marine who's on the run from more droids. Ashley Williams, last survivor of her squad stationed on Eden Prime. Welcome to the team, Ashley, now gun down those other drones. The AI drones are impaling still-living humans on high-tech spikes; unnecessarily gruesome! It turns regular humans into weird drones called 'husks' that run at me and explode into a bunch of sparks. Meanwhile, Nihil is off scouting ahead when he runs into another turian he recognizes. Of course, as soon as Nihil's back is turned, this turian (Saren) pulls out his gun and shoots him in the back. I come across his dead body and wring the full story out of a scared witness who was hiding behind some crates. Two people dead on my squad, and an entire colony, about to be blown to smithereens - this candidate review for the Spectres is not going to look good, I'm afraid.
I defuse the bombs that Saran left to blown up the entire colony and finally reach the beacon object I've been looking for all this time - wonder where Saran went, I thought he was just here with it a second ago. Alenko wanders too close to the beacon and it starts go to berserk. I shove him out of the way and get sucked up in some kind of weird knowledge-transmission / vision or whatever you want to call it before the entire beacon self-destructs. Ashley and Kaiden carry my unconscious self back to the ship.
You land on a human colony named Eden Prime to escort a newly-discovered Prothean beacon back to Alliance space. Remember, all our current technology is based on the ruins of old Prothean stuff - finding an intact and working piece of their technology could launch us into new realms of advancement. So it's pretty important. The Council has sent along a Spectre to oversee both the mission and to check you out as a prospect, he's a turian named Nihil. Naturally, before you even finish the mission briefing, something's gone catastrophically wrong - the colony on Eden Prime is under attack by an unknown alien force. Time to get to work. I'm dropped into a hotzone with my buddies Lt. Alenko and Lt. Jenkins and almost immediately, Jenkins bites the big one. He runs out of cover and is gunned down by some kind of android flying bot. Sorry, Jenkins. We barely knew ye.
I fumble around with my guns for... probably longer than is respectful. There isn't much in the way of tutorials - just point and pull the trigger when the reticule is orange, I guess. Too much shooting and my gun overheats. Right bumper button pauses while I mull over weapon choices for the squad, and left bumper pauses while I look at our activate-able powers. That's all I can figure out, but that's probably all there is to it. Luckily, the enemies are pretty much pushovers at this stage, and we soon run into a marine who's on the run from more droids. Ashley Williams, last survivor of her squad stationed on Eden Prime. Welcome to the team, Ashley, now gun down those other drones. The AI drones are impaling still-living humans on high-tech spikes; unnecessarily gruesome! It turns regular humans into weird drones called 'husks' that run at me and explode into a bunch of sparks. Meanwhile, Nihil is off scouting ahead when he runs into another turian he recognizes. Of course, as soon as Nihil's back is turned, this turian (Saren) pulls out his gun and shoots him in the back. I come across his dead body and wring the full story out of a scared witness who was hiding behind some crates. Two people dead on my squad, and an entire colony, about to be blown to smithereens - this candidate review for the Spectres is not going to look good, I'm afraid.
I defuse the bombs that Saran left to blown up the entire colony and finally reach the beacon object I've been looking for all this time - wonder where Saran went, I thought he was just here with it a second ago. Alenko wanders too close to the beacon and it starts go to berserk. I shove him out of the way and get sucked up in some kind of weird knowledge-transmission / vision or whatever you want to call it before the entire beacon self-destructs. Ashley and Kaiden carry my unconscious self back to the ship.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Mass Effect, Day 1, Part 1
Obviously, I know I'm late to this party. Bear with me, I just got my first ever Xbox.
Though, I have played Jade Empire on someone else's xbox, long ago, and I suppose these games were made by the same people? It's got all the same hallmarks - you make your own person and drive your own personality, but you have to interact with about 6 different teammates that you can swap in and out of your squad, and whoever your morality lines up with the most, you can sleep with by the end of the game, provided you did enough kissing up, etc. I enjoyed that one immensely - I felt like it was a good 'consequence' of the morality of your actions, without affecting their bottom line. You know how it goes; the company can't make fifteen different endings of the game based on your morality choices. Sometimes a game goes with two morality-based endings (as in BioShock: Nurture the Little Baby Orphans, or Murder Everything Everywhere), and sometimes a game will just go with one (as in most games - you can be a jerk, but you've still got to save the universe and be hailed as a hero). I mean, I can't imagine Mass Effect being able to adjust for horrible behavior by, let's say, firing me from the Fleet and I spend the rest of my days playing a quick-time mini-game to mine ore on some remote planet while some other upstanding fellow saves the universe, even if I hang up on the Council mid-transmission.
It's mostly moot - I always play the same way anyway. I answer exactly how I would really answer if it was me, and I finish all the side-quests, because I am some kind of side-quest-aholic. I crave me those side-quests. Gotta catch 'em all. And that includes squad members. If I have to be Captain Slut, so be it, I'm gonna hunt down every romantic interlude side quest available. Now that our intentions are clear, let us begin the festivities.
Mass Effect begins by asking you to configure a character, both in appearance and background. Well, you could choose the stock options, but you'll forgive me if I assume the worst about you if you do such a thing. Your options in appearance are terribly endless; I managed to create something that resembled a human being, at least. She is a touch amphibian in her facial features, but I had already spent enough time trying to tweak her - I'm pretty sure I can look at her for the duration of three games. All the NPCs you meet in the game are configured really well - I guess I'm just not as adept as the game's artistry team. The choices for background are more limited. Three choices for personal history (orphan from Earth growing up on the mean streets, military kid, and sole survivor of colonial massacre), and three choices for military history (war hero, sole survivor of a military catastrophe, and ruthless). Do they affect your gameplay? Not that much, though people do mention it in conversations, and apparently a side mission or two will depend on your choices.
The game world is based on the a sci-fi concept: the human race uncovered artifacts from an ancient civilization under the surface of mars in the not-too-distant future. Study of these advanced technologies allowed our own science to move forward by leaps and bounds, and we soon discovered the 'mass relay' at the edge of the solar system - a device created by these progenitors (called Protheans) to travel across galaxies in moments. By jumping through these still-working relays, we traveled and colonized across the universe. We met (and had a First Contact War with) alien races, and finally have started to gain a modicum of respect in galactic civilization as the newcomers. The Council rules from an enormous structure called The Citadel, which is another working piece of Prothean technology - everything that everyone knows is from Prothean artifacts, apparently. No one even knows how the Citadel works, but they figured it was as good a place as any to gather all the races up and conduct politics. The Council is made up of only 3 representatives: a Salarian, a somewhat bug-like race that thinks fast and talks fast; an Asarian, an all-female race that are a little betazoid, with biotic powers and a reputation for promiscuity; and a Turian, a more warrior race that humans distrust after the First Contact War. Humans, and the myriad of other races in the galaxy, get pretty much no say in this hierarchy, but that's what we're working to change at the outset of the game. The human Alliance is making a push to get one of their own into the Spectres - the Council's MI5, if you will, a secret organization that can bend galactic law to execute the Council's will. No human has yet been admitted, and the Alliance's candidate is me, Shepard.
It's mostly moot - I always play the same way anyway. I answer exactly how I would really answer if it was me, and I finish all the side-quests, because I am some kind of side-quest-aholic. I crave me those side-quests. Gotta catch 'em all. And that includes squad members. If I have to be Captain Slut, so be it, I'm gonna hunt down every romantic interlude side quest available. Now that our intentions are clear, let us begin the festivities.
Mass Effect begins by asking you to configure a character, both in appearance and background. Well, you could choose the stock options, but you'll forgive me if I assume the worst about you if you do such a thing. Your options in appearance are terribly endless; I managed to create something that resembled a human being, at least. She is a touch amphibian in her facial features, but I had already spent enough time trying to tweak her - I'm pretty sure I can look at her for the duration of three games. All the NPCs you meet in the game are configured really well - I guess I'm just not as adept as the game's artistry team. The choices for background are more limited. Three choices for personal history (orphan from Earth growing up on the mean streets, military kid, and sole survivor of colonial massacre), and three choices for military history (war hero, sole survivor of a military catastrophe, and ruthless). Do they affect your gameplay? Not that much, though people do mention it in conversations, and apparently a side mission or two will depend on your choices.
The game world is based on the a sci-fi concept: the human race uncovered artifacts from an ancient civilization under the surface of mars in the not-too-distant future. Study of these advanced technologies allowed our own science to move forward by leaps and bounds, and we soon discovered the 'mass relay' at the edge of the solar system - a device created by these progenitors (called Protheans) to travel across galaxies in moments. By jumping through these still-working relays, we traveled and colonized across the universe. We met (and had a First Contact War with) alien races, and finally have started to gain a modicum of respect in galactic civilization as the newcomers. The Council rules from an enormous structure called The Citadel, which is another working piece of Prothean technology - everything that everyone knows is from Prothean artifacts, apparently. No one even knows how the Citadel works, but they figured it was as good a place as any to gather all the races up and conduct politics. The Council is made up of only 3 representatives: a Salarian, a somewhat bug-like race that thinks fast and talks fast; an Asarian, an all-female race that are a little betazoid, with biotic powers and a reputation for promiscuity; and a Turian, a more warrior race that humans distrust after the First Contact War. Humans, and the myriad of other races in the galaxy, get pretty much no say in this hierarchy, but that's what we're working to change at the outset of the game. The human Alliance is making a push to get one of their own into the Spectres - the Council's MI5, if you will, a secret organization that can bend galactic law to execute the Council's will. No human has yet been admitted, and the Alliance's candidate is me, Shepard.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Dead Space 2: Day 4
He forgot about the hunter that came that jumped out from nowhere and murdered him last time, and made the exact same gruesome mistake right at the outset of this session. You'd think the graphic punishment for failure would have left a stronger impression, somehow.
In the 'mainframe' room (I don't have any recollection of what it is we're trying to do, as usual) we get another call from our authority figure who is trying to remotely shut us down. We have to crawl around inside the mainframe to get into tiny, claustrophobic rooms to pull out some fuse-like instruments.... at least I think that will get us what we want. Xian mutters: "Exactly where I want to be during a deadly necromorph crisis - crawling around in a cramped, dark tunnel." He also mutters: "Why does everything in this game have to sound like a monster."
When a dark slicer comes boiling out of the walls not two feet away from him, Xian throws one of the big panels at him, and that actually stunned him for long enough for Xian to pour some pulse rounds into him.
I've got to admit, even though I did some extensive crawling around in the ductwork earlier in the game, it's a pretty harrowing camera angle. We had to crawl back and forth between the two cramped rooms before we figured out that we had to replug the fuses in a different order, a la Star Trek relay chips. Once we achieved that, of course the path opened up and we saw at least one large slicer walking around outside the fuse room, and Xian decided 2 very important things: 1) this fuse room we were in was lovely and perhaps he could make a permanent home of it, and 2) the pie I had made earlier was getting cold, and someone probably needed to attend to it immediately. "What's so good about outside, anyway. It's perfectly delightful in here." (He also cried into his pie) Caution was hardly warranted, as it turned out - he didn't even take a sliver of damage from the two slicers that were meandering around outside. We had to punch out five separate circuits (destroying = forward progress, I guess), and that somehow angered the necromorphs greatly, who would come tearing around the corner with each break.
When those were dealt with, the security system finally shut down and we were relieved to finally get through the door. Naturally we should have suspected something was up - as soon as the door opened, a bloody corpse fell on us and, well, let's say he was displeased with the way it seemed like the corpse was grabbing him around the neck.
We actually had to start leaving ammunition behind! Good sign, or bad sign? There were plenty of fiends in the next room, and he managed it in the first go with a relatively minimal loss of health. After that, we finally made it to the solar array! We just hopped outside into a vast region of space that housed the massive solar array mirrors that collected solar energy. Two of them were out of alignment, so we reset them (there was a gigantic arm that flung mini homing bombs, but he turned out to be not a huge deal if you keep the jet pack strafing to max). Meanwhile, audio reports from Ellie weren't terribly encouraging - she advises us to ... hurry. Maybe she mentions it with a touch more urgency than that. It might help to explain why Isaac decides to hurl himself off the solar array tower towards the station many millions of miles below. Mini-game of dodging! Exciting! And blood-smeared, when Xian messed up. Great landing, Isaac! Gotta love this game's setpieces.
And, back to the trasport hub, where we get on a transport and get the hell out of dodge. HAHAHA, if you thought it was going to go that easily. No, of course the whole area blows up, gets de-oxygenated, and Isaac has to fight off an endless wave of increasingly dangerous baddies as Ellie tries to hack a door! What did you think was going to happen? It takes a couple of restarts, all of our health packs, and all of the ammo we just bought at a shop to get through that mess, and we're stranded back in the factory, where Ellie just spent her morning hacking her fellows to distinct pieces.
We spent some time hovering around the entrance to a blood-soaked room. Xian is not very keen on crossing bloody rooms. I was encouraging, but he decided enough was enough.
In the 'mainframe' room (I don't have any recollection of what it is we're trying to do, as usual) we get another call from our authority figure who is trying to remotely shut us down. We have to crawl around inside the mainframe to get into tiny, claustrophobic rooms to pull out some fuse-like instruments.... at least I think that will get us what we want. Xian mutters: "Exactly where I want to be during a deadly necromorph crisis - crawling around in a cramped, dark tunnel." He also mutters: "Why does everything in this game have to sound like a monster."
When a dark slicer comes boiling out of the walls not two feet away from him, Xian throws one of the big panels at him, and that actually stunned him for long enough for Xian to pour some pulse rounds into him.
I've got to admit, even though I did some extensive crawling around in the ductwork earlier in the game, it's a pretty harrowing camera angle. We had to crawl back and forth between the two cramped rooms before we figured out that we had to replug the fuses in a different order, a la Star Trek relay chips. Once we achieved that, of course the path opened up and we saw at least one large slicer walking around outside the fuse room, and Xian decided 2 very important things: 1) this fuse room we were in was lovely and perhaps he could make a permanent home of it, and 2) the pie I had made earlier was getting cold, and someone probably needed to attend to it immediately. "What's so good about outside, anyway. It's perfectly delightful in here." (He also cried into his pie) Caution was hardly warranted, as it turned out - he didn't even take a sliver of damage from the two slicers that were meandering around outside. We had to punch out five separate circuits (destroying = forward progress, I guess), and that somehow angered the necromorphs greatly, who would come tearing around the corner with each break.
When those were dealt with, the security system finally shut down and we were relieved to finally get through the door. Naturally we should have suspected something was up - as soon as the door opened, a bloody corpse fell on us and, well, let's say he was displeased with the way it seemed like the corpse was grabbing him around the neck.
We actually had to start leaving ammunition behind! Good sign, or bad sign? There were plenty of fiends in the next room, and he managed it in the first go with a relatively minimal loss of health. After that, we finally made it to the solar array! We just hopped outside into a vast region of space that housed the massive solar array mirrors that collected solar energy. Two of them were out of alignment, so we reset them (there was a gigantic arm that flung mini homing bombs, but he turned out to be not a huge deal if you keep the jet pack strafing to max). Meanwhile, audio reports from Ellie weren't terribly encouraging - she advises us to ... hurry. Maybe she mentions it with a touch more urgency than that. It might help to explain why Isaac decides to hurl himself off the solar array tower towards the station many millions of miles below. Mini-game of dodging! Exciting! And blood-smeared, when Xian messed up. Great landing, Isaac! Gotta love this game's setpieces.
And, back to the trasport hub, where we get on a transport and get the hell out of dodge. HAHAHA, if you thought it was going to go that easily. No, of course the whole area blows up, gets de-oxygenated, and Isaac has to fight off an endless wave of increasingly dangerous baddies as Ellie tries to hack a door! What did you think was going to happen? It takes a couple of restarts, all of our health packs, and all of the ammo we just bought at a shop to get through that mess, and we're stranded back in the factory, where Ellie just spent her morning hacking her fellows to distinct pieces.
We spent some time hovering around the entrance to a blood-soaked room. Xian is not very keen on crossing bloody rooms. I was encouraging, but he decided enough was enough.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Dead Space 2: Day 3
Not only are we finally in chapter 7, but it didn't even take much coercion to get him back to work on it! So, progress is being made on all fronts. I did have to talk him into leaving some of his spare ammo behind in stoarge. I like carrying ammo myself, but leaving ammo drops on the floor is just bad form, and I think everyone here knows it.
Chapter 6 ended with us reaching the transport hub and all the power being shut off by some unknown (or unremembered) authority figure with ties to the Unitologists. We reunited with Ellie and CrazyMan, and Isaac actually said some stuff. This is probably a far cry from real character development, but relative to regular old Dead Space, hey, I'm quite enthusiastic about it. We agreed to team up with Ellie to do.... something. With the solar array panels. Look, with the objective tracker, sometimes I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the details of the mission. The elevator was broken when we got there, and we had to go downstairs and fix it (because Isaac is an engineer, see?). Xian was truly paranoid the whole time, but get this - no one showed up to fight! Even on our way back, only one scorpion tried to stop us. Of course, when we got in this massive elevator to the sky, it was much too large for no boss to be jumping us during the trip. So I suppose it was anticlimactic when large beasts tried to get at us through the windows and the oxygen all escaped.
At the top of the elevator is a generous ring area, where we thought we'd be facing off against a boss due to an array of consumable items littering the area. Oddly enough, no one was there. We headed over to the restricted area for the solar array station, which was apparently manned by one Howard Phillilps, who we get to know, despite him being very dead. The door to the array wouldn't open without his rig, so we carried his dead body over there to activate it. Next, it wanted a verbal access code, and we looked around, thinking it was another puzzle, but those laser beams were defeated by simply chucking something through them.
The AI security is making a huge pest of itself with these laser security beams, sometimes activating them just as we walk by and doing massive damage. She's got a holographic figure that kind of lurks after you as you move to room from room, watching you trespass with her hands on her hips and reporting her security responses. What I'm saying is, she's getting on my nerves. And one straightforward setpiece moment was ruined several times in a row when Xian got caught by a security beam set that was supposed to activate behind you and trap you with a monster and a blown out window. He can handle those two things, but the beams activating on his face kept killing him first - Xian kind of... creeps along, so the game sort of expects you to have moved to the middle of the room, and he's still standing near the entrance where the beams activate supposedly to cut off your retreat. Anyway. She disengaged the life support, so we had to run down a hall way and "engineer" (remember, do a little mini game where Isaac pulls out the wires from a glowing panel) something, only as soon as he put his hands on it, a Hunter came out of nowhere to blindside him with a huge shriek of noise and sudden violence. Xian threw up the controller and declared the night over.
Chapter 6 ended with us reaching the transport hub and all the power being shut off by some unknown (or unremembered) authority figure with ties to the Unitologists. We reunited with Ellie and CrazyMan, and Isaac actually said some stuff. This is probably a far cry from real character development, but relative to regular old Dead Space, hey, I'm quite enthusiastic about it. We agreed to team up with Ellie to do.... something. With the solar array panels. Look, with the objective tracker, sometimes I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the details of the mission. The elevator was broken when we got there, and we had to go downstairs and fix it (because Isaac is an engineer, see?). Xian was truly paranoid the whole time, but get this - no one showed up to fight! Even on our way back, only one scorpion tried to stop us. Of course, when we got in this massive elevator to the sky, it was much too large for no boss to be jumping us during the trip. So I suppose it was anticlimactic when large beasts tried to get at us through the windows and the oxygen all escaped.
At the top of the elevator is a generous ring area, where we thought we'd be facing off against a boss due to an array of consumable items littering the area. Oddly enough, no one was there. We headed over to the restricted area for the solar array station, which was apparently manned by one Howard Phillilps, who we get to know, despite him being very dead. The door to the array wouldn't open without his rig, so we carried his dead body over there to activate it. Next, it wanted a verbal access code, and we looked around, thinking it was another puzzle, but those laser beams were defeated by simply chucking something through them.
The AI security is making a huge pest of itself with these laser security beams, sometimes activating them just as we walk by and doing massive damage. She's got a holographic figure that kind of lurks after you as you move to room from room, watching you trespass with her hands on her hips and reporting her security responses. What I'm saying is, she's getting on my nerves. And one straightforward setpiece moment was ruined several times in a row when Xian got caught by a security beam set that was supposed to activate behind you and trap you with a monster and a blown out window. He can handle those two things, but the beams activating on his face kept killing him first - Xian kind of... creeps along, so the game sort of expects you to have moved to the middle of the room, and he's still standing near the entrance where the beams activate supposedly to cut off your retreat. Anyway. She disengaged the life support, so we had to run down a hall way and "engineer" (remember, do a little mini game where Isaac pulls out the wires from a glowing panel) something, only as soon as he put his hands on it, a Hunter came out of nowhere to blindside him with a huge shriek of noise and sudden violence. Xian threw up the controller and declared the night over.
Friday, June 8, 2012
AC:R, Day 5
Day 5, and as I may have mentioned previously, much of my time is spent in upkeep of my weighty empire of assassins. Maybe I should just let it slide (let the Templars recapture areas and cities) and just get a move on with the storyline. I've only managed to grab one more Masayaf key, and haven't even gone back to HQ to relive the memory of Altair that it opened up for me.
I did, however, finally conquer the last Templar controlled area in Constantinople. It remained for so long because every so often I'd go into the area, look around for the Templar Captain, get identified in return by some guards, and the Captain would bolt, rendering the area uncapturable for "a day" of gametime. I must have repeated that series of events five or six times now. This time, I just ran in, place a tripwire-triggered death-bomb in front of the house that the Captain runs to, and then arrow stormed the entire area. I got the pester-some message "Warning: Ezio did not kill civilians" and for once I did not feel chastised. Yes, game, Ezio DID kill civilians. When he was at the tail end of his patience, he killed who-so-ever was in the area to get that lousy coward Captain.
So, that side quest is rounded out and finished, just need to wrap up the associated master assassin side mission, and all the areas will be mine and locked from takeover. I'm not sure if that means I'll never have a chance to play the Den Defense mini-game again - there must be a way, because some achievements depend on it, but at the same time, I certainly don't want to risk losing this loathesome area to the Templars. If I never get a chance at that achievement, so be it. Better locked than to risk dealing with that nonsense again.
I've also gathered enough Animus Fragments to unlock several "Desmond's Journey" missions. I gave one of them a go, but it made me incredibly ill almost immediately. It was similar to Mirror's Edge's "too close up first person view", only quicker to reach the "headache and vomit" threshold. I tried to get Xian to play them, but he can't stomach it either, so those might go unplayed.
I did, however, finally conquer the last Templar controlled area in Constantinople. It remained for so long because every so often I'd go into the area, look around for the Templar Captain, get identified in return by some guards, and the Captain would bolt, rendering the area uncapturable for "a day" of gametime. I must have repeated that series of events five or six times now. This time, I just ran in, place a tripwire-triggered death-bomb in front of the house that the Captain runs to, and then arrow stormed the entire area. I got the pester-some message "Warning: Ezio did not kill civilians" and for once I did not feel chastised. Yes, game, Ezio DID kill civilians. When he was at the tail end of his patience, he killed who-so-ever was in the area to get that lousy coward Captain.
So, that side quest is rounded out and finished, just need to wrap up the associated master assassin side mission, and all the areas will be mine and locked from takeover. I'm not sure if that means I'll never have a chance to play the Den Defense mini-game again - there must be a way, because some achievements depend on it, but at the same time, I certainly don't want to risk losing this loathesome area to the Templars. If I never get a chance at that achievement, so be it. Better locked than to risk dealing with that nonsense again.
I've also gathered enough Animus Fragments to unlock several "Desmond's Journey" missions. I gave one of them a go, but it made me incredibly ill almost immediately. It was similar to Mirror's Edge's "too close up first person view", only quicker to reach the "headache and vomit" threshold. I tried to get Xian to play them, but he can't stomach it either, so those might go unplayed.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Deadspace 2: Day 2
He grimly got back to work today, resignedly saying the following: "Every time I restart this game, it doesn't matter how long it's been, I've actively forgotten how to play." We saw an actual living woman, but of course only spoke to her through a barrier, and she not-so-politely declined our request to join forces. It was nice to have someone to talk to, though.
We found ourselves near a store, and he bought himself some new guns, since we were previously trying to navigate these dire halls with just the plasma cutter and javelin. I'm pretty sure I've shocked myself using the javelin, so it's not my favorite. Also, there's only 5 shots available on it right now, and the reloading is terribly slow.
As soon as we were out of the store, a number of necromorphs came roaring down the hall, including a spitter and a pregnant. It was a very wide and long hall, though, so he was able to dispatch them efficiently. There were a few booby traps, though, which took a chunk or two out of his health. Also, while he was busy with those, a few more necromorphs got the drop on him.
The objective trail led us into a brightly colored elementary school, and you know things are gonna get ugly in a place like this. We saw a living woman through a window that we could not communicate with, and you know that's going to end badly, too. Yup, she cuddled a necromorph baby, and they both blew on up. Gross. And, of course, you know that's not the last we're going to see of those babies. As you enter the nursery area of the elementary school, a whole horde of them come crawling out of the duct-work. I didn't say that game wasn't predictable, I said I enjoyed the delivery of the story.
Next up was a children's theatre, and Isaac needs to take a convoluted path to get to the stage area - as usual, Xian took it very slowly and deliberately, first vanquishing the necromorph children that came crawling over the stands, and then a dark spitter underneath the bleachers. He got a really good scare from a cardboard sun backstage that dropped in his face, and we had a momentary hallucination phase-out. Nothing too scary, this time. When he activated a control panel backstage and all the obstacles retracted, we knew things were about to get serious, and tons of babies and children came pouring out from the stands toward the stage. Had to repeat that one a few times, but the death sequence was not too bad - the sight of Isaac blowing up is actually really tame, compared to some of the bad stuff that's happened to him, honestly. We also found what appeared to be a stasis "bomb" - a lamp-like object that you can blow up or throw that creates a stasis field. Awesome.
We got out of the elementary school and finally reached the transport hub, where we met up with Ellie (the lady from before who declined to join forces with us) and Stross (our CrazyFriend). "Meet up," meaning that they were somewhere Isaac couldn't reach, and instead we faced off alone against a Brute. Xian called it quits after a few deaths.
We found ourselves near a store, and he bought himself some new guns, since we were previously trying to navigate these dire halls with just the plasma cutter and javelin. I'm pretty sure I've shocked myself using the javelin, so it's not my favorite. Also, there's only 5 shots available on it right now, and the reloading is terribly slow.
As soon as we were out of the store, a number of necromorphs came roaring down the hall, including a spitter and a pregnant. It was a very wide and long hall, though, so he was able to dispatch them efficiently. There were a few booby traps, though, which took a chunk or two out of his health. Also, while he was busy with those, a few more necromorphs got the drop on him.
The objective trail led us into a brightly colored elementary school, and you know things are gonna get ugly in a place like this. We saw a living woman through a window that we could not communicate with, and you know that's going to end badly, too. Yup, she cuddled a necromorph baby, and they both blew on up. Gross. And, of course, you know that's not the last we're going to see of those babies. As you enter the nursery area of the elementary school, a whole horde of them come crawling out of the duct-work. I didn't say that game wasn't predictable, I said I enjoyed the delivery of the story.
Next up was a children's theatre, and Isaac needs to take a convoluted path to get to the stage area - as usual, Xian took it very slowly and deliberately, first vanquishing the necromorph children that came crawling over the stands, and then a dark spitter underneath the bleachers. He got a really good scare from a cardboard sun backstage that dropped in his face, and we had a momentary hallucination phase-out. Nothing too scary, this time. When he activated a control panel backstage and all the obstacles retracted, we knew things were about to get serious, and tons of babies and children came pouring out from the stands toward the stage. Had to repeat that one a few times, but the death sequence was not too bad - the sight of Isaac blowing up is actually really tame, compared to some of the bad stuff that's happened to him, honestly. We also found what appeared to be a stasis "bomb" - a lamp-like object that you can blow up or throw that creates a stasis field. Awesome.
We got out of the elementary school and finally reached the transport hub, where we met up with Ellie (the lady from before who declined to join forces with us) and Stross (our CrazyFriend). "Meet up," meaning that they were somewhere Isaac couldn't reach, and instead we faced off alone against a Brute. Xian called it quits after a few deaths.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Dead Space 2: Day 1
So amused by my journal-style musings on AC:R, I'm re-forcing Xian to play Dead Space 2 so I can observe and actively blog about the happenings. We are in the sixth chapter, I believe? When we booted the game back up, I recalled the reason we (he) had stopped - he had thrown the controller down, angrily declared this room to be impossible, and vowed never to play again until "this game stopped being unreasonable. Or scary."
So you can see how it took some extensive coaxing to get him to even get back on the horse, so to speak. I used every trick in my repetoire - cajoling, imploring, appealing to his ego, outrageous flattery, the works. He walked into the room in question, got murdered by the first enemy, and quickly decided to backtrack and find a store. We went back upstairs to a residential area and he got the life scared out of him by an alarm clock that went off suddenly, and gave up that notion immediately. He gutted his way through the room of death - two pregnants, six lurkers (the legless tail creatures that crawl on walls). And wasted a sizeable amount of ammo and at least one health pack while he was at it. But, we were through, and on our way to a store, a bench, and a save spot. In the hallway before the bench, though, there was the tell-tale sound of enemies and what appeared to be living nodes on the walls and floors. Not one to be taken by surprise in a game like this, Xian grabbed the nearest dead body to use as a test dummy, and sure enough, the little nodules were booby traps that exploded on contact. Xian inched his way down the corridor using every body piece available to spring every trap. At the end of the corridor there was a locked closet that could only be opened with a power node - in my memory, these were always good rooms that were largely worth the one power node price of admission. Xian, however, seems to recall at least one of these rooms which was "filled with nothing but monsters". I tried to talk him out of being so negative, but it was useless.
The next room was filled with fire, and he had to manually de-oxygenate it to continue. In this game, of course it's never as simple as that - I'm sure Xian was also not surprised when some rocket-tentacles showed up to impede his escape from the oxygen-less room. In the elevator, Isaac had another nonsensical conversation via radio with his only friend, CrazyMan. You've got to appreciate the fact that they put in effort to give Isaac a human personality, right?
The next room was a maze of crates, and a lot of wheedling and encouragement had to happen before he would so much as set foot inside. It sometimes makes him feel better if he looks up the walkthrough and is more mentally prepared for what's about to happen? So he left it on pause while he did that. He inched around crates and for a time, he refused to go further. I reminded him "the only way out is forward," and he gave it a go. Alas, it turned out the monsters lying in wait were the raptor-hunters, who we met once before in a similar maze atmosphere. We should have guessed. These creatures are two-legged and extremely fast, tearing straight for you and knocking you forcefully into a wall, stunning you for a moment. Too many of them on you at once certainly means death. They also like to lurk behind corners and peep out at you to see if you're looking before charging. It took two tries - and the death sequence was extremely unpleasant.
He called it quits after that.
So you can see how it took some extensive coaxing to get him to even get back on the horse, so to speak. I used every trick in my repetoire - cajoling, imploring, appealing to his ego, outrageous flattery, the works. He walked into the room in question, got murdered by the first enemy, and quickly decided to backtrack and find a store. We went back upstairs to a residential area and he got the life scared out of him by an alarm clock that went off suddenly, and gave up that notion immediately. He gutted his way through the room of death - two pregnants, six lurkers (the legless tail creatures that crawl on walls). And wasted a sizeable amount of ammo and at least one health pack while he was at it. But, we were through, and on our way to a store, a bench, and a save spot. In the hallway before the bench, though, there was the tell-tale sound of enemies and what appeared to be living nodes on the walls and floors. Not one to be taken by surprise in a game like this, Xian grabbed the nearest dead body to use as a test dummy, and sure enough, the little nodules were booby traps that exploded on contact. Xian inched his way down the corridor using every body piece available to spring every trap. At the end of the corridor there was a locked closet that could only be opened with a power node - in my memory, these were always good rooms that were largely worth the one power node price of admission. Xian, however, seems to recall at least one of these rooms which was "filled with nothing but monsters". I tried to talk him out of being so negative, but it was useless.
The next room was filled with fire, and he had to manually de-oxygenate it to continue. In this game, of course it's never as simple as that - I'm sure Xian was also not surprised when some rocket-tentacles showed up to impede his escape from the oxygen-less room. In the elevator, Isaac had another nonsensical conversation via radio with his only friend, CrazyMan. You've got to appreciate the fact that they put in effort to give Isaac a human personality, right?
The next room was a maze of crates, and a lot of wheedling and encouragement had to happen before he would so much as set foot inside. It sometimes makes him feel better if he looks up the walkthrough and is more mentally prepared for what's about to happen? So he left it on pause while he did that. He inched around crates and for a time, he refused to go further. I reminded him "the only way out is forward," and he gave it a go. Alas, it turned out the monsters lying in wait were the raptor-hunters, who we met once before in a similar maze atmosphere. We should have guessed. These creatures are two-legged and extremely fast, tearing straight for you and knocking you forcefully into a wall, stunning you for a moment. Too many of them on you at once certainly means death. They also like to lurk behind corners and peep out at you to see if you're looking before charging. It took two tries - and the death sequence was extremely unpleasant.
He called it quits after that.
Random Observation: How I Met Your Mother
Here's something I'm not sure you care about. In the sixth season of How I Met Your Mother, which we binged on recently and caught all the way up to the seventh season, there's an episode - well I guess this is kind of spoilers, so
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So anyway, the 13th episode is entitled, "Bad News" and you may recall, since you probably watched it before, but at the very end of this episode, Marshall's father dies of a heart attack. But did you notice that throughout the entire episode, the numbers from 50 to 1 counted down on prominent things in the background, like a CD cover, or a news cast, or a calendar. Just as it reached 1 (on the cab that Lily takes the bar), Marshall receives the shocking news. You can watch it again - it's pretty obvious when you're looking for it.
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So anyway, the 13th episode is entitled, "Bad News" and you may recall, since you probably watched it before, but at the very end of this episode, Marshall's father dies of a heart attack. But did you notice that throughout the entire episode, the numbers from 50 to 1 counted down on prominent things in the background, like a CD cover, or a news cast, or a calendar. Just as it reached 1 (on the cab that Lily takes the bar), Marshall receives the shocking news. You can watch it again - it's pretty obvious when you're looking for it.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Nyonya, New York Chinatown
I like the decor, I'm a big fan of flat hard chairs, for some reason. The place is cash only - as if the six square blocks of Chinatown is a null zone where your credit card no longer works.
Stangely, the service was very coffeehouse - they just brought out the occasional dish as it finished cooking. We got our appetizers last, but I won't complain overmuch - through all the confusion, we got a completely extra dish that we didn't order.
The roti was the fluffy kind that you so often find in malaysian restaurants - it gets chewy as it gets cold, though. The hokkien mee was good, but not as strong in flavor as you expect hokkien mee to be. Lobak was good and crunchy. Chow kuey tiao was only "okay". Curry mee was really good. Roti telur was a bit flat also. I guess a number of the dishes were underseasoned. Chendol was covered with the brown coffee-ish goop moreso than coconut. Maybe we should've let it melt to a more chendol consistency first
Stangely, the service was very coffeehouse - they just brought out the occasional dish as it finished cooking. We got our appetizers last, but I won't complain overmuch - through all the confusion, we got a completely extra dish that we didn't order.
The roti was the fluffy kind that you so often find in malaysian restaurants - it gets chewy as it gets cold, though. The hokkien mee was good, but not as strong in flavor as you expect hokkien mee to be. Lobak was good and crunchy. Chow kuey tiao was only "okay". Curry mee was really good. Roti telur was a bit flat also. I guess a number of the dishes were underseasoned. Chendol was covered with the brown coffee-ish goop moreso than coconut. Maybe we should've let it melt to a more chendol consistency first
Friday, May 25, 2012
AC:R, Day 4
I steadfastly refuse to reconsider my method of playing the game. Even after the two Batmans punished me for trying to finish the fetch quests before the story quests, I am resolute. But there were some stirrings of doubt today. I have conquered so much of the city and the outlying areas via paperwork, that I've found myself in a classical business conundrum: the more you control, the more upkeep work you have to do. I try to move the story along, but every minute in the game that passes allows my iron grip on the cities of the Mediterranean to slowly subside. I have to keep sending out minions to keep control of the many, many cities I'm supposed to be running. It's nearly all-consuming at this point, navigating my way to story missions while stopping at as many mission centers as possible on the way. But again, not going to change my ways. Over 50% of Constantistanbul is renovated, and it is all mine. Except for one den! For some reason I have failed to capture the northernmost den despite repeated attempts! Infuriating. The captain in that den rabbits every time I so much as put a toe inside its borders, and man, can he get to his escape point fast. Just murderous. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too. Mark my words.
In story-related news, I've tailed a suspected traitor to the Prince and found him selling weapons to a deposed royal who is mounting a revolt. The Prince and I agreed both need to die, but the suspected traitor turned out to be loyal, just setting up an ambush. Whups. Hey guy, you need to let some of the rest of us in on these kinds of plans. Else someone asks some Assassin to murder you, and now look what happened. Anyway, looks like it's up to me to finish what he started and single-handedly punch everyone's ticket to Stab-Town, Home of Traitors And People Who Looked At Ezio Sideways.
As for the Masayaf keys, Sofia is helping me track down some rare books, which apparently in turn lead me to those sneaky hidden passageways where I undertake various missions in order to retrieve 'keys'. Have I mentioned? These 'keys' pretty much look like fancy CDs? Well I mean, of course they're artifacts from the Original Civilization mentioned in previous games, similar to the Apple of Eden, but I'm not understanding how Ezio is using them to view Altair's memories. In the latest memory, Altair is 60 (he was 24 and 26 in the first two) and is busy regretting his whole life with his wife, Maria - especially the part about letting Abbas get control of Masayaf while he was away fighting the Mongols. Abbas has gone all "Scar" on the region, and now lazy Assassins lie in the Masayaf streets, and other supposed indicators that the Creed has really gone downhill under Abbas' reign. Well, they try to make it clear in the brief time that they have. Anyway Abbas is being an idiot, and demands the Apple, despite knowing that it's power could destroy everyone. Altair's youngest son is killed, Maria is killed, etc. etc. The usual.
I got to get back to my territory control.
In story-related news, I've tailed a suspected traitor to the Prince and found him selling weapons to a deposed royal who is mounting a revolt. The Prince and I agreed both need to die, but the suspected traitor turned out to be loyal, just setting up an ambush. Whups. Hey guy, you need to let some of the rest of us in on these kinds of plans. Else someone asks some Assassin to murder you, and now look what happened. Anyway, looks like it's up to me to finish what he started and single-handedly punch everyone's ticket to Stab-Town, Home of Traitors And People Who Looked At Ezio Sideways.
As for the Masayaf keys, Sofia is helping me track down some rare books, which apparently in turn lead me to those sneaky hidden passageways where I undertake various missions in order to retrieve 'keys'. Have I mentioned? These 'keys' pretty much look like fancy CDs? Well I mean, of course they're artifacts from the Original Civilization mentioned in previous games, similar to the Apple of Eden, but I'm not understanding how Ezio is using them to view Altair's memories. In the latest memory, Altair is 60 (he was 24 and 26 in the first two) and is busy regretting his whole life with his wife, Maria - especially the part about letting Abbas get control of Masayaf while he was away fighting the Mongols. Abbas has gone all "Scar" on the region, and now lazy Assassins lie in the Masayaf streets, and other supposed indicators that the Creed has really gone downhill under Abbas' reign. Well, they try to make it clear in the brief time that they have. Anyway Abbas is being an idiot, and demands the Apple, despite knowing that it's power could destroy everyone. Altair's youngest son is killed, Maria is killed, etc. etc. The usual.
I got to get back to my territory control.
AC:R, Bomb Review
A word on bombs, since they're such a big new part of the game.
Shells Types: Any shell can be used for any of the three types of bombs - lethal, tactical, and diversionary.
Shells Types: Any shell can be used for any of the three types of bombs - lethal, tactical, and diversionary.
- Fuse Shell: These babies bounce, and detonate after 3 seconds. Great for bouncing one around a corner or under a roof.
- Impact Shell: These bombs detonate immediately upon hitting something, great for immediate incapacitation in the middle of a fight.
- Tripwire Shell: These bombs are planted and then are triggered when someone walks near it. Great for patrolling guards and undetected murdering.
- Sticky Pouch: These bombs stick to things, such as guards and walls, and will detonate after 5 seconds. Great for stealthy murders and reaching someone who's guarded. Just stick a bomb on someone who's walking in his direction.
Powder Types: Any powder can be used for any of the three types of bombs. Powder is the 'boom' part of the bomb, packed into the core near the fuse.
- Indian Gunpowder: For smaller explosions, when you don't want to kill passersby or draw too much attention.
- Arabic Gunpowder: For medium explosions, when you want to cover a couple of guards, but not endanger too many people
- British Gunpowder: For large explosions, when you want to cover a lot of area.
And finally, the effects, the 'filler' part of the bomb, which will explode outwards when the bomb is triggered. These I will divide into their respective pouch categories. You initially have room for 3 bombs in each of 3 pouches, lethal, tactical, and diversionary.
Lethal Effects:
- Shrapnel: Murder-licious.
- Datura Powder: Poison-y goodness.
- Coal Dust: Concussive death.
Tactical Effects:
- Lamb's Blood: Being covered in blood so suddenly is apparently enough of a shock that most every just stops in their tracks in horror
- Caltrops: We had these in Batman! Well, you did if you had the Catwoman DLC. Caltrops are little spiky jacks that cover the floor and make everyone standing in the area hop around in pain
- Phosphorous: Your basic smoke bomb, which I almost never use for escape, but almost always use to blind a huge group of people (using British Gunpowder for maximum area) and then take my time to slice n' dice. Or drop one on a group of guards and walk past them casually.
Diversionary Effects:
- Salt of Petra: Creates a smoke signal which will attract any guards that happen to be looking in that direction. They will run over to where the signal is and investigate while you take whatever they were guarding. I haven't found a good range on it yet - sometimes the guards I want to see it don't seem to notice the smoke.
- Sulphur: Creates a noise that nearby guards will rush to investigate. It's easier to gauge the distance on this one. Also, the game is quick to point out that there are two factions of city guards, and if you get both to investigate the same spot, they'll break out into a nice little fight.
- Skunk Oil: This one is a bit more situational. If you need to separate one person from a group, getting him covered in skunk oil is a great way to do it - he's stunned for a moment, and anyone that was near him is sure to keep their distance. I've never had a use for it - if I want a guy dead, I'm happy to also kill anyone who's next to him.
- Pyrite Coins: Explodes fake gold coins over the area! Peasants will rush and and push guards down in order to get at them.
So you can see how many options there are. It's just about verging on ridiculous. Oh well, I guess AC:R wants you to have your options.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
AC:R, Day 3
Day three in Constant-istanbul-ple, and I have faffed around until my wrists hurt. By liberating templar-controlled dens, I've unlocked more available assassins to recruit. Once I have assassins to train, I stop at every available moment to send them out on missions in the greater world map. I've taken over all but one templar den in the city, and also every town available to me in the Mediterranean area, by sending out higher and higher level of assassins to do my bidding in distant regions. It requires some upkeep, but it generates money and xp, and it's just a matter of sending guys out occasionally, so it's not really difficult. I lost a den, actually, and had to spend a lot of time getting it back, THAT was quite infuriating. My templar awareness bar wasn't even full, but I should have been more urgent about getting it down when it was glowing red like that. One of my dens came under attack, and I went there to do the Assassin (tower) defense mini game, which I promptly lost. They brought riflemen who can shoot down your rooftop assassins! Not even sure what I was supposed to do about that. So, I lost the area, no second chances or 'Game Over, Try Again'. You just lose it to the templars and have to re-do the templar captain-hunt to get it back. Aggravating. You can bet I'll keep a closer eye on that awareness bar from now on. Actually, seeing as I've almost renovated everything in the city, it's probably not going to be a huge deal in the future. Also, once my apprentices have trained to become Level 15 Assassin masters (and I do a few sub-quests to promote them), the den I leave them in charge of can never revert ever again. Awesome.
I'd have happily faffed on forever, but I realized that, despite all my renovations and obscene hourly revenue, the shops still wouldn't sell me better armor. My health bar was still only five bars long, which is about one good swipe from the more dangerous city guards. That probably isn't the way the game is meant to be played. So I got back to work on the story missions. I helped some Romanis, Thieves, and Mercenaries, to get on their good side, and then decided I needed to make a friend higher up in the political echelons. As it so happened, I saved the life of a Prince of the city, grandson of the current Sultan, so he became an ally and source of new missions. Do you want to know how I did it? Yusuf got wind of an assassination attempt (not by actual Assassins, obviously it's kind of a misnomer, the group name) and we infiltrated the Prince's welcome home party as italian minstrels. Hilariously, Ezio is able to string together some notes and some half-assed rhymes to distract the attentions of the party-goers as the other Assassins (group name, not perpetrators) took out the would-be assassins (perpetrators, not group members) without causing alarm. Old Ezio's already grizzled look was not enhanced by the frippery of the italian minstrel outfit, but I did get to punch out those dudes from the last game who always came up to you with a song and a hand out. Also, at the end, Ezio snapped the head of his lute clean off and drove it through some guys heart. Huzzah.
The nice Venetian lady who is proprietor of a rare bookstore is helping me find those Masayaf keys that I originally came here for, and I slogged my way to two of them so far. The bonus objectives were terribly unreasonable. I can't go through 5 different rooms and 30 guards without detection. Once someone saw me, I threw up my hands in disgust (as I so often do) and went on a murdering rampage.
Somehow, Ezio is able to use the keys to experience Altair memories? Who knows if they will explain that one. At any rate, when I return to HQ with a key, Ezio sits down and we take a brief sojourn into the world of Altair. We haven't done much as Altair, of course. These mini-quests in AC are always "follow the directions carefully, now back to your regularly scheduled faffing about." Sequence 4 is now completed.
I'd have happily faffed on forever, but I realized that, despite all my renovations and obscene hourly revenue, the shops still wouldn't sell me better armor. My health bar was still only five bars long, which is about one good swipe from the more dangerous city guards. That probably isn't the way the game is meant to be played. So I got back to work on the story missions. I helped some Romanis, Thieves, and Mercenaries, to get on their good side, and then decided I needed to make a friend higher up in the political echelons. As it so happened, I saved the life of a Prince of the city, grandson of the current Sultan, so he became an ally and source of new missions. Do you want to know how I did it? Yusuf got wind of an assassination attempt (not by actual Assassins, obviously it's kind of a misnomer, the group name) and we infiltrated the Prince's welcome home party as italian minstrels. Hilariously, Ezio is able to string together some notes and some half-assed rhymes to distract the attentions of the party-goers as the other Assassins (group name, not perpetrators) took out the would-be assassins (perpetrators, not group members) without causing alarm. Old Ezio's already grizzled look was not enhanced by the frippery of the italian minstrel outfit, but I did get to punch out those dudes from the last game who always came up to you with a song and a hand out. Also, at the end, Ezio snapped the head of his lute clean off and drove it through some guys heart. Huzzah.
The nice Venetian lady who is proprietor of a rare bookstore is helping me find those Masayaf keys that I originally came here for, and I slogged my way to two of them so far. The bonus objectives were terribly unreasonable. I can't go through 5 different rooms and 30 guards without detection. Once someone saw me, I threw up my hands in disgust (as I so often do) and went on a murdering rampage.
Somehow, Ezio is able to use the keys to experience Altair memories? Who knows if they will explain that one. At any rate, when I return to HQ with a key, Ezio sits down and we take a brief sojourn into the world of Altair. We haven't done much as Altair, of course. These mini-quests in AC are always "follow the directions carefully, now back to your regularly scheduled faffing about." Sequence 4 is now completed.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
AC:R, Day 2
Day two in this new land of Constantinople / Istanbul, and I've had it with being hand held! I'm off to strike it rich on my own without you, Yusuf, you wait right there in the HQ while I murder my way across this city and back.
He taught me a while ago about territory take-overs, and in the tutorial part, it was WAY easier than it is in practice. But it seems that I won't have to do it overmuch, as there are only maybe 7-9 territories in the city, and soon, they will all be mine, muahahahaa. The concept is, to walk up to the restricted area around a Templar Den and go into Eagle Vision to identify the Templar Captain. You do this by hovering over likely candidates for about a second and when you find him, it notifies you clearly that this guy is your target. All you've got to do is identify him, kill him, then climb a tower and light the signal, and the den is yours. Shops in the area can be renovated, more assassins can be recruited, and everyone's happier. The problem is the identification part, actually. You can't exactly just stand around and peer at people - it's a restricted area, so the guards are onto you no matter how casual you might act. And the Captain is often in annoyingly difficult-to-reach locations; of course in the tutorial, you can see him from a nearby rooftop and then send a thrown dart spinning his way and that's the end of it. In some areas, he's practically stashed inside a building behind several guys standing watch. You have to get creative with the killing and the smoke bombs to even figure out who or where he is, and there are way too many guards to keep a low profile. But if you're spotted, some of the captains run, and you have to "come back another day" to liberate that area. It's proving to be the most exhausting and failure-prone part of Faffing About Creed.
The remainder of the mechanics of step-by-step city takeover are all going well. The teleport spots (tunnel entrances) are all pre-unlocked, so you can go where you please. Romanis replace courtesans in this game, serving the same function, though in fact, they are wearing less. Renovating structures, strangely, puts you on the templars' radar, by about 25-30% 'awareness' per renovation, which I find a touch odd conceptually, but not in execution, because this means you can't exactly go willy-nilly renovating every thing in sight once you come into a little money. At 100% awareness, the next provoking action you take will apparently result in one of your assassin dens coming under attack from the templars, and after the trouble I went to in order to free those areas, I'm certainly going to take time out to reduce my awareness levels between spending sprees. It's just a matter of murdering an official or bribing a herald. So I spent hours alternating between increasing and decreasing my templar awareness. It's all for the good, you'll see - every structure renovated adds to my hourly income. While I'm off doing storyline missions later, my coffers will be auto-filling at a disgusting rate.
Look, I'll play Faffing About Creed my way, we'll get to the rest momentarily.
He taught me a while ago about territory take-overs, and in the tutorial part, it was WAY easier than it is in practice. But it seems that I won't have to do it overmuch, as there are only maybe 7-9 territories in the city, and soon, they will all be mine, muahahahaa. The concept is, to walk up to the restricted area around a Templar Den and go into Eagle Vision to identify the Templar Captain. You do this by hovering over likely candidates for about a second and when you find him, it notifies you clearly that this guy is your target. All you've got to do is identify him, kill him, then climb a tower and light the signal, and the den is yours. Shops in the area can be renovated, more assassins can be recruited, and everyone's happier. The problem is the identification part, actually. You can't exactly just stand around and peer at people - it's a restricted area, so the guards are onto you no matter how casual you might act. And the Captain is often in annoyingly difficult-to-reach locations; of course in the tutorial, you can see him from a nearby rooftop and then send a thrown dart spinning his way and that's the end of it. In some areas, he's practically stashed inside a building behind several guys standing watch. You have to get creative with the killing and the smoke bombs to even figure out who or where he is, and there are way too many guards to keep a low profile. But if you're spotted, some of the captains run, and you have to "come back another day" to liberate that area. It's proving to be the most exhausting and failure-prone part of Faffing About Creed.
The remainder of the mechanics of step-by-step city takeover are all going well. The teleport spots (tunnel entrances) are all pre-unlocked, so you can go where you please. Romanis replace courtesans in this game, serving the same function, though in fact, they are wearing less. Renovating structures, strangely, puts you on the templars' radar, by about 25-30% 'awareness' per renovation, which I find a touch odd conceptually, but not in execution, because this means you can't exactly go willy-nilly renovating every thing in sight once you come into a little money. At 100% awareness, the next provoking action you take will apparently result in one of your assassin dens coming under attack from the templars, and after the trouble I went to in order to free those areas, I'm certainly going to take time out to reduce my awareness levels between spending sprees. It's just a matter of murdering an official or bribing a herald. So I spent hours alternating between increasing and decreasing my templar awareness. It's all for the good, you'll see - every structure renovated adds to my hourly income. While I'm off doing storyline missions later, my coffers will be auto-filling at a disgusting rate.
Look, I'll play Faffing About Creed my way, we'll get to the rest momentarily.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
AC:Rev, Day 1
Assassin's Creed: Revelations, for those of you who can't read abbreviation-speak.
Day one in this new game, and I certainly feel like AC thinks it's my first rodeo. This is a painstaking amount of tutorial for running and climbing that is being spoonfed in my direction by a ghostly apparition of Atair, the Original Assassin. I'm either not following the storyline closely enough, or they're not making it clear enough - for some reason, an extremely aged Ezio has traveled to Jerusalem and the stronghold fortress of the assassins from the very first game. After reviewing moving, running, climbing, and leaping, we go on to a brief review of basic combat and assassination. Then, a refresher course on tailing a target, with a new twist on Eagle Sense, where you can either see a ghostly apparition of the target walking away, or at least make out a remnant of their path. Why we are in a Templar-infested Masayaf, I did not really figure out.
We skip ahead to Sequence 2, where Ezio is arriving in Istanbul and meets the local assassin branch representative, Yusuf. As far as I can understand via Ezio's correspondence with his sister, Ezio discovered a secret door with tons of locks that was created by Altair, and both he and the Templars want to get to the chamber beyond. This search has lead him (and the Templars) to Istanbul. For right now, of course, your ultimate mission is on delay as you make friendly with Yusuf and help him and every other person in the world with their problems, first. Fortunately, the game now has "walk with me" mode, which means you just need to get near your buddy and Ezio automatically follows at a casual pace.
More tutorials. Remember how to pickpocket? Not that I will ever need it after I begin my massive renovation and financial takeover of this entire landscape. Next, here's something new for you - the hookblade. The assassins of Istabul have added a nice little hook to their hidden blades, and Yusuf takes some time making sure you grasp the concept. With it, you can zipline along the many ropes strewn about the city (and zipline-assasinate), hook a person and hop over him ("Hook and Run"), reach higher when you climb, and change the hanging pot-turn maneuver into a long-jump maneuver.
Now here's something strange, Assassin Tower Defense? A diversion from your regular game, where you defend an assassin den from attacking templars by assigning crossbow/rifle assassins to a rooftop and build barricades. Yes, I will happily do more of these later. Let's keep this extremely long tutorial section moving for now.
Next, Yusuf teaches me how to go on the attack for more territory - Eagle Sense has been changed a bit, you now go into Eagle Sense mode and hover over each person until you identify if they're the target you're looking for. In a Templar-controlled territory, you need only to identify and kill the Captain, and then climb a tower and light a signal fire to regain the region (but it can be re-conquered by Templars later). Naturally I did not notice the part where "full synchronization" was achieved by not being seen killing the Captain, and ran right in there and lost 50% synch! I did that about 6 more times before I learned to pay more attention to the mission statement before blundering in. For example, the next mission asked you to pickpocket a key from a guard, but I murdered him instead. Whups.
Next tutorial is on assassin recruitment, and after that, assassin use in-game, and finally, assassin deployment to outlying districts. I find it an enjoyable and rewarding part of the game, but I may be in the minority. All of the guild missions are also unlocked, and I took a quick look at the lists. It is a long and exhausting-looking set of conditions. This is going to be a long game.
After that, the Istanbul assassins want to teach you about bombs. AC:R has a ton of bomb options. You actually have to gather materials and craft your own, so you can pretty much personalize your bombs to your playstyle - bouncy or sticky, big bang or small bang, filled with shrapnel, or filled with poison. I was pretty much overwhelmed by the options. Batman and Link may be seeing green at this point - three separate bomb pouches! Two wheels worth of items - poison daggers, bombs, crossbows, tiny gun, hidden blade. So many options! I just wanted to stab a dude, guys. I have more instruments in my bag right now, (and a lot more blank slots to be filled later in the game!) than I did in Trauma Center, and I was playing a freaking surgeon. Just.... crazy. There's no less than 8 mini-missions inside the bomb-crafting store to teach you how to use your multitudes of bombs, and you have to pass each one before those bombs become unlocked for purchase. This will take more than one day.
Day one in this new game, and I certainly feel like AC thinks it's my first rodeo. This is a painstaking amount of tutorial for running and climbing that is being spoonfed in my direction by a ghostly apparition of Atair, the Original Assassin. I'm either not following the storyline closely enough, or they're not making it clear enough - for some reason, an extremely aged Ezio has traveled to Jerusalem and the stronghold fortress of the assassins from the very first game. After reviewing moving, running, climbing, and leaping, we go on to a brief review of basic combat and assassination. Then, a refresher course on tailing a target, with a new twist on Eagle Sense, where you can either see a ghostly apparition of the target walking away, or at least make out a remnant of their path. Why we are in a Templar-infested Masayaf, I did not really figure out.
We skip ahead to Sequence 2, where Ezio is arriving in Istanbul and meets the local assassin branch representative, Yusuf. As far as I can understand via Ezio's correspondence with his sister, Ezio discovered a secret door with tons of locks that was created by Altair, and both he and the Templars want to get to the chamber beyond. This search has lead him (and the Templars) to Istanbul. For right now, of course, your ultimate mission is on delay as you make friendly with Yusuf and help him and every other person in the world with their problems, first. Fortunately, the game now has "walk with me" mode, which means you just need to get near your buddy and Ezio automatically follows at a casual pace.
More tutorials. Remember how to pickpocket? Not that I will ever need it after I begin my massive renovation and financial takeover of this entire landscape. Next, here's something new for you - the hookblade. The assassins of Istabul have added a nice little hook to their hidden blades, and Yusuf takes some time making sure you grasp the concept. With it, you can zipline along the many ropes strewn about the city (and zipline-assasinate), hook a person and hop over him ("Hook and Run"), reach higher when you climb, and change the hanging pot-turn maneuver into a long-jump maneuver.
Now here's something strange, Assassin Tower Defense? A diversion from your regular game, where you defend an assassin den from attacking templars by assigning crossbow/rifle assassins to a rooftop and build barricades. Yes, I will happily do more of these later. Let's keep this extremely long tutorial section moving for now.
Next, Yusuf teaches me how to go on the attack for more territory - Eagle Sense has been changed a bit, you now go into Eagle Sense mode and hover over each person until you identify if they're the target you're looking for. In a Templar-controlled territory, you need only to identify and kill the Captain, and then climb a tower and light a signal fire to regain the region (but it can be re-conquered by Templars later). Naturally I did not notice the part where "full synchronization" was achieved by not being seen killing the Captain, and ran right in there and lost 50% synch! I did that about 6 more times before I learned to pay more attention to the mission statement before blundering in. For example, the next mission asked you to pickpocket a key from a guard, but I murdered him instead. Whups.
Next tutorial is on assassin recruitment, and after that, assassin use in-game, and finally, assassin deployment to outlying districts. I find it an enjoyable and rewarding part of the game, but I may be in the minority. All of the guild missions are also unlocked, and I took a quick look at the lists. It is a long and exhausting-looking set of conditions. This is going to be a long game.
After that, the Istanbul assassins want to teach you about bombs. AC:R has a ton of bomb options. You actually have to gather materials and craft your own, so you can pretty much personalize your bombs to your playstyle - bouncy or sticky, big bang or small bang, filled with shrapnel, or filled with poison. I was pretty much overwhelmed by the options. Batman and Link may be seeing green at this point - three separate bomb pouches! Two wheels worth of items - poison daggers, bombs, crossbows, tiny gun, hidden blade. So many options! I just wanted to stab a dude, guys. I have more instruments in my bag right now, (and a lot more blank slots to be filled later in the game!) than I did in Trauma Center, and I was playing a freaking surgeon. Just.... crazy. There's no less than 8 mini-missions inside the bomb-crafting store to teach you how to use your multitudes of bombs, and you have to pass each one before those bombs become unlocked for purchase. This will take more than one day.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
DWTS (S14): Week 4 Eliminations
Kiss is performing to promote their new tour, but I really don't know much about KISS. More important is the news on Melissa Gilbert, who went to the hospital at the end of last night's show. A slo-mo replay reveals that Maks hurt his arm at some point during the dance, and could not do the drop-spin with enough distance. Melissa was too close to him as she spun, and she spun at high speed head first into the back of his knees, explaining why he fell, and why she was taken to the hospital for observation during the show. They said she's fine, but the doctor recommended a day of rest, so Maks has to face the elimination alone, which looks awfully exposed, in that stage alone. But he's safe, as is Gladys, Jaleel, and even Gavin! If you're keeping score at home, this means that two favorites who have never been in the bottom two at about to get a nasty surprise.
Immediately, you discount Katherine, William, Maria, and Sheri, so that leaves Roshon as the one who is obviously in trouble, just by considering the peculiarities of the fan base.
And yes, he is in the bottom two, but here is the real surprise: Sheri is eliminated! How awful!
Monday, April 9, 2012
DWTS (S14): Week 4
Rock Week, and the ballroom has undergone a full transformation.
Katherine: Katherine, on the other hand, smiles occasionally through he paso, as well as singing along with the song, which detracts from her MMA-themed dance. That's just looking for nitpicks, it's still good, of course. 8-8-8 judges seem to be coming down on those exceptionally high scores from last week.
Jaleel: Jaleel has no idea who Mick Jagger is, so he is baffled by Kym's enthusiasm for what he calls a "chicken-walker". He looks like he is having a ton of fun in this tango - is that allowed? Carrie Ann mentions what I was searching for, that his smoothness is not appropriate here. 8-7-7
Melissa: Maks was a true pest the entire week, trying to get Melissa into an angry enough mood to 'kill' him at the end of their paso. Her attitude is right, but she's not entirely in control of her moves. 7-8-7
Donald: Peta takes advantage of Donald's physique shamelessly by stripping him mostly naked. You got to hand it to her, she is not pulling any punches. Donald is again showing off his extensive knowledge of the show, as well. 9-9-9
Gladys: Bohemian Rhapsody, hooray. Gladys is IN the rock and roll hall of fame already, so her only concern is not getting kicked out, you know? For an old lady, she is super rocking. And, her legs are pretty good. Judges did not like it, though. 7-6-7
William: for some reason, William and Cheryl are doing the jive? Not sure why everyone else is doing paso and tango and you're the only ones doing jive. I believe I mentioned before that the whole cast is a feel-good, goody-two-shoes affair, but William also doesn't know anything about 80's rock. Cheryl actually brought in a real hair band, but this did not actually help William execute the dance - he just lost it midway through. 7-7-8
Roshon: Viennese waltz? Is this rock? Well anyway, he does great until some bangle just _explodes_ off Chelsie's wrist and he bobbles the next bit. His style is great and Chelsie's concerns about him being limp noodly are largely unfounded. The unusual part about watching him is that usually Chelsie is the youngest and smallest, and he is surprisingly younger and smaller-looking than her. 9-8-9
Maria: Maria's foot is fractured. Really, Maria? Just play on through? There is also a hilarious Greek contingent in the audience consisting of John Stamos, the lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and the lady from Body of Evidence. 9-8-9
Gavin: I like Gavin's outfit. Before the music starts, you think he looks like a Tim Burton tailor, but the music is Paint It Black, so it makes sense. Karina, on the other hand, had some strange feathers stuck on her face. Carrie Ann was reminded of Johnny Depp, that's the outfit talking. Judges did NOT like the hold and posture. Gavin seems resigned to being perpetually at risk. How sad! 8-8-7
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
DWTS (S14): Week 3 Eliminations
Seal was the guest performer. I am a sucker for "Lean on Me," but did he not separate from Heidi Klum? You can't do that and still be MY hero.
Rascal Flatts was also there, but I'm not a fan of their new song, either. Is it a cynical night for me? I liked the professional dance? Let's just keep it short: Jack (despite the same 24 total score as 4 other couples) had the lowest score and bid farewell.
DWTS (S14): Week 3 Eliminations
Seale was the guest performer. I am a sucker for "Lean on Me," but did he not separate from Heidi Klum? You can't do that and still be MY hero.
Rascal Flatts was also there, but I'm not a fan of their new song, either. Is it a cynical night for me? I liked the professional dance? Let's just keep it short: Jack (despite the same 24 total score as 4 other couples) had the lowest score and bid farewell.
Monday, April 2, 2012
DWTS (S14): Week 3
It's story night, a favorite of DWTS. I'm not that sentimental, so it's not my favorite. So. Very. Much. Crying. But I guess the big plan is to create loyal fans by emotion and backstory. I will thwart this by not repeating any of it here. Tissues not required below.
Jack: Still not seeing the appeal, myself, so I'm not sure if this is going to disturb you - this samba was complete with unbuttoned shirt and waxed chest. 8-8-8
Maria: What a weird version of "Material Girl" this is! She picked the song, but her assigned dance is rumba, so they just remixed it. Ew, Derek just plain choreographed a make-out session in the middle there. As for Maria (other strangeness aside), good looking dance. This is not part of her sentimental sob-story, but is a good reason to root for her: despite busted ribs, she moonlighted yesterday as a WWE wrestler. No joke. She got divebombed and kicked a scantily-clad lady out of the ring. 9-9-9
Gladys: Slow songs suit Gladys, as you might expect. Here's something I noticed. There was a moment right at the beginning where she looked out at the audience and she absolutely looked like she had no idea what she was supposed to be doing. Then, Tristan grabbed her and (no doubt) barked some crazy-half-English instructions and she went right to work. Tristan's puppetteering is masterful, what can I say. Her execution is graceful and, as Carrie Ann said, "rich". 8-8-8
Roshon: 70s Michael Jackson samba stylings. I think the emotion got away from him, and it ended up a little more "excited kid" than clean samba technique. 8-8-9 What is with these scores?
Gavin: We found out something tragic about Gavin, alright. We found out what is under that hat that he is always wearing. And it's not a good revelation. Karina incorporated the piano, always a bad sign that you think you're about to go. But he was under the red light last week, so it's best to bust out the piano if you've got to. Gavin's lines in his rumba were WAY better, incredibly so. That could deserve another week of Karina Boot Camp. 8-8-8
Katherine: She looks like she's all but bawling during her performance, but don't get ahead of yourself - it was still perfect. It's easy to mistake her for a professional dancer because of the hair and the body. It's not required for her profession, either, she's just Katherine Jenkins. Carrie Ann sobbed all the way through her critique, and Katherine was no better. Way to put a stopper on the waterworks, Len, by complaining that there wasn't enough real ballroom hold. Bruno just said: "SENSATIONAL!" which is pretty awesome, to keep him to one word. 10-9-10 Tens!?! Already!?!
Sherri: Sherri is either acting, or really about to also start bawling in the middle of her dance. Maybe acting, because she occasionally busts out into a HUGE smile. One or the other of them is acting. Her dance seemed really, really short, but I guess time flies when you're anticipating an emotional meltdown. 8-8-8
Melissa: She is putting those legs on display, and let us all hope we are all as good-looking at that age. She looks like she is completely unable to keep up with the pace of this incredibly fast song, though. 8-8-8, really? Everyone just gets an 8 tonight?
Jaleel: When Kym said "whew! That was right! That was sexy!" in practice, she looked right at the cameraman, with a look that I hope meant: "get that camera out of here, I'm about to jump this man's bones." Too smooth, too sexy, this dance. William Levy, eat your heart out. OMG he lost it when Brooke asked him a question, though. 9-8-8
William: Cheryl popped his shirt off at the beginning, to really blow the roof off the place. The bandanna seems like an unfortunate touch, though. It was a really good salsa, but if I had a critique, it would be that he's more careful when he's in hold with Cheryl. 9-9-10
Donald: Donald just needs a little calm and finesse to be a winner in this competition. 9-8-9
Nobody got so much as a 7. Let's hope America was a little more discerning with their votes.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
DWTS (S14): Week 2 Eliminations
Guest performer is Sugarland, and I get the feeling that if you don't like Sugarland, nothing is about to change your mind. She's got a very unique voice. She plugged a new ABC show called "Duets" with fellow judges Lionel Richie, Kelly Clarkson, and Robin Thicke. Those other three are all consultants on "The Voice" right now. How odd.
No surprises this week. Martina didn't survive Monday's bobble, that's only to be expected - the level of competition is extra high this season, and there's no villains of the ballroom. There's no one else to eliminate! Sorry, Martina, you're still a legend on the tennis court. Just not the ballroom.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
LoL: Lulu
Lulu.... is not good.
Sorry guys. I don't know what you want me to tell you. She's like Janna, in that she mitigates team fights and has no sustaining lane-presence, so unless you're a professional team that lives and dies by team fights only, she's not going to be the "normal people's" support champion. I also have not seen her successfully pulled off as an AP carry. I mean, let's take a look at her skills:
Q: Slow. Yup. It's a skillshot slow. That's.... it. It does some damage, but it's barely noticeable, and you have to get way too close to use it, putting yourself in way too much danger for a delicious squishy like Lulu (unless you send Pix to someone else and use it from there). Also, it takes maybe a fraction of a second too long to cast and the projectile itself moves surprisingly slowly, pretty much ensuring that it never lands on an enemy champ, even when you think it's going to.
W: Whimsy has two uses. On an ally, it makes them awesomely fast and gives them some amount of AP. This works out well if your buddy is chasing someone down and you can reach your own teammate to cast it on him, or if your buddy is running away from certain death. Whimsy on an enemy will turn them into a cute squirrel, unable to use skills or attack. This sounds positively awesome on paper, but in practice, it takes a moment for Whimsy to reach the enemy and turn them into a squirrel. That moment is usually enough delay for, say, an enemy Nautilus to get off that last spell that's going to kill your teammate.
E: Help, Pix! Sends your personal sprite to a teammate to shield them (briefly) and aid their attacks, or sends Pix to an enemy to "damage" them and provide you vision of them. I do just about zero damage with Pix, personally. It has good range, but not enough to keep you really safe while harassing. After all, if you use it to harass, you have nothing left to shield yourself with...
R: Lulu's ult is, like Janna's, a good way to manipulate team fights in your favor, or waste to save one teammate if an emergency arises. Like Janna's ult, if neither of those two situations presents themselves in your games, it goes unused and wasted.
And, Lulu's W and E skills have a range of 650. Compare that to Soraka's 750 on silence, and Soraka's silence is instantaneous to boot (not to mention free to cast). Stopping a Kat or Nunu channel instantly is super useful, but needing to run towards the Nunu and then wait for the little ball of light to reach him, that may not quite make it in time. So, overall, Lulu is great if you're a professional team and you're always getting into high-skill 5v5 team fights. Lulu will tip those scales in your favor. But if you're on some random team, or your friends are dropping the ball on tanking/carrying, Lulu's brand of "support" falls into the category of "morale support," or "standing around idly and looking cute."
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
DWTS (S14): Episode 2
No elimination last week, always a nice idea, so everyone gets at least two dances. The beginning is worth a glance to check out Brooke's very sunny dress. She normally doesn't exhibit that much showcased cleavage. Speaking of Boobage (The Voice), it's on at the same time as DWTS. But here's something to think about: if you want to vote for DWTS, phone lines are only open until an hour after the show. That's how they make you watch live. Smart.
Also, I've got to complain about the online episodes. The commercials are probably TWICE as loud as the show! It's enough to blast your ears off.
Roshon: Chelsie, we discover in this video, despite being young, knows nothing about youth culture or hip-hop. It's.... a little embarrassing for young people everywhere, I imagine, and Roshon all but apologizes to those watching at home for witnessing her attempt at rap. Roshon, on the other hand, does some quality beat boxing. Best quote of the video: Chelsie says, "Everything you do needs to be prince-like. How would a prince walk into a ballroom?" And Roshon does his best Prince impersonation. It is pretty good. At any rate, he does pull off a swagger-ific quickstep. Personally it didn't seem super elegant or smooth, but that's why I'm not a judge. The real judges were well-pleased by it. 9-8-9
Sherri: In the video, Sherri takes one look at the jive and says, "My equipment is way too heavy for all that bouncing around." And it certainly looks like an incredible expenditure of effort. But in the real dance, she absolutely works it. Her outfit has the dangly bits, and those have never worked so hard since Kristi Yamaguchi's 100mph jives. Disaster totally struck midway through the dance, when she just... decided not to do the between-the-legs slide. But they recovered well, and the judges loved the sass factor. 8-7-8
Melissa: Check out this picture of Maks. It is pretty funny. Anyway. Rehearsal was amusing, since Maks discovered Melissa cries when she's happy, and Maks has just decided he can't win with the ladies. They bawl if you critique, they bawl if you compliment. As for the dancing, her quickstep seemed polished, though she had a noticeable slip. The judges came down pretty hard, though, not impressed with her slip and posture fall-off due to lack of stamina. Hey, she's kind of older than Roshon, here. Cut the lady some slack. 7-6-7
Jack: I... personally don't know Jack? And if he was once a super-tv-soap-opera heartthrob, he is ... not now? He's a genuine and enthusiastic guy, sure. But he seems a bit stiff to me, and somehow, the judges are fine with that? 7-7-7
Gladys: More of the ballroom showing off, with a glowing keyboard motif on the floor and lighting up as they quick-stepped across it. Fancy. You could see Tristan barking orders the whole time, though - what can I say, it took away a little bit of the romanticism of quickstep, haha. But she's a sophisticated lady, so it looked classy just because of that. Len was a bit gentler than usual (he's a fan, isn't everyone?) but the judges were not terribly impressed with her posture. Brooke asked if Tristan had a harder time because he's the taskmaster for a living legend. He said, "We're all in the same boat, but I have an advantage because when Gladys smiles, everyone smiles." You'd better damn well smile, folks. That is a living legend. 7-5-7. Five!? Really, Len?
Katherine: How does Mark get these partners? Is it the celebrity's choice? Do the dancers fight in-house? Does Mark get first pick because of his pedigree? Sheer competitiveness? Insider trading? Let us look at his history of partners: Kristin Cavallari, Chelsea Kane, Bristol Palin, Shannen Doherty, Melissa Joan Hart, Shawn Johnson (won), Kim Kardashian, Kristi Yamaguchi (won), Sabrina Bryan. Those are some hot ladies. I guess Derek got Nicole Scherzinger. What I mean by this digression is, he gets a lot of naturally gifted and extremely good looking ladies. Kristi Yamaguchi was a pretty easy win, folks. And Katherine is pretty much already a professional dancer. In the video she was shocked at the raunchy level of her Latin dance. "He wants me to shake my naughty bits," she said. And it doesn't look funny right there in text, but trust me, in her British accent, it was hilarious. 9-8-9
Jaleel: I hate to say this about my hero, but Jaleel could stand to lose a few from the mid-section. And I'm sure he will, with the extreme conditioning Kym will put him through. That song, though. Too slow for jive. That wasn't Jaleel or Kym's fault, judges! 7-7-8
Maria: Speaking of matchups, this is another good one. Derek is extreme goof-off, but with a solid dose of overwork at the same time. Anyone who's also of that mindset is a good match for him. Quickstep isn't the time to "bring the sexpot," so that request will have to be tabled for now. Quickstep is, though, one of Derek's real specialties.
Martina: OMG, total disaster. That's twice now, Tony - is it you?!? 6-5-6
Donald: Things we found out about Donald today: he's goofier than you knew. Also, he's capable of gentlemanly dancing. Still perhaps a touch rushy in his eagerness, but as Carrie Ann says, Donald's years of watching DWTS is paying off. His emphasis on hold was solid. And here's a first: Len said he went back and rewatched the video from last week, and he told Donald he "undermarked" him last week. That was an upstanding thing to do, Len. 8-8-8
Gavin: Some people, new to DWTS, may think that musicians have an unfair advantage, being knowledgeable about rhythm and beats, but that is not really true. Some musicians know all about performance and music, but don't have the physical training and full control over the movement of their body. The advantage that athletes and actors have is the instinct to see someone move their body in a certain way, and then be able to remember and replicate that in performance. Sorry, Gavin, don't mean to pick on you. 7-7-7
William: Cheryl knows how to work it. "The higher our scores, Bruno, the more the clothes are coming off." She also busted out her BFF in the world: Quickstep posture bar. But, DWTS! Quickstep doesn't allow William to go shirtless! Who cares? Not the ladies in the DWTS audience, of course. It's deafening in there everytime he's in sight. 9-7-9
DWTS (S14): Episode 1
I wasn't going to do this recap stuff this season, because lemme be honest: I have no idea who most of these guys are. I have heard of Gladys Knight and Martina Navratilova (I had to look up the spelling). And I know Jaleel White and Donald Driver. That's about it. But then, most of the way through the show, I saw Katherine Jenkins, and I figured, that's the way DWTS wants it: a fair playing field of famous-ness. Why else would Katherine Jenkins be on the American DWTS and not the British version, where she is crazy-popular? That is my theory, anyway. So, with that kind of fairness of semi-anonymity in mind, we soldier on with recapping.
Maria Menounous: She is a host of Extra, and well-proportioned for DWTS outfits. Always a good call. She needs Derek to bring her out of her shell more, ("open up the sex pot," Bruno said) because her technique and attention to detail seemed strong, she just needed some more attack / attitude. DWTS, for its part, takes some bold tech-y strides with live twitter comments and fancy ballroom lighting gymnastics. Oh, and finally, she has the craziest laugh. They made a small montage of it during the video, but maybe one can just youtube up something since she's on tv so much. It. Is. Funny. 7-7-7
Jack Wagner: I do not know who this person is. At all. His bio says he's a soap opera star and singer, but these are things I do not know about. He also began lying down and doing kicks, so that always says to me that something bad is going on. But, the judges liked it, for reasons unknown to me. Personally, I'd save those eights - it's still pretty early in the night. 8-7-8
Donald Driver: In case you do not know, Donald Driver plays for the Green Bay Packers at wide receiver. He is apparently more of a DWTS veteran than Peta (his partner) since she only got one show last season (as the "Peta" half of "Meta and Peta," unfortunately for her) and he's been watching since season one. The judges commented that his eagerness may have contributed to a slightly hectic performance, but I (and the crowd) loved it. It seemed crisp and fast and cool. And Peta was pulling out all the stops to stay longer this season, with the nonexistant outfit and bangles. Ok, full disclosure, I'm rooting for Donald, as usual. But come on, judges. That last guy got some eights. 7-7-7
Gavin Degraw: I've heard of Gavin Degraw, but seeing him try to dance, well... Karina's got her work cut out for her. I have fullest confidence in her, though. It's a big difference from JR, though, stay cognizant, Karina! Gavin finally acknowledges what we've been thinking all these seasons, too: standing between Karina and Brooke is a "pretty-sandwich". 7-6-7
Roshon Fegan: Here's a secret. Ok, it's not so secret. ABC is owned by Disney. And sometimes, Disney gets a little ahead of itself when marketing future stars. For example, I've never heard of Roshon Fegan. I'm sure he's really big on the Disney channel these days, but his confidence and swagger seem to indicate that he's really big... inside his own imagination. Not that I don't like him, I do. I'm just saying, Disney places their own stars in DWTS sometimes, and they forget that the middle-aged ladies that are the shows main viewership (and football fans in secret) do not vote for these kids. Sorry. 8-7-8
Sherri Shephard: See, I don't watch 'The View' either, so we will see who gets more votes on this show, her or Roshon. Because come on, Roshon already dances and sings and acts. Sherri sits in a chair on a talk show. She's funny, though. And she can really move that package, to be frank. 8-7-8
Melissa Gilbert: She was a kid star on "Little House on the Prairie," which I have never seen. She is one of those ladies that is on the show because she's "been going through some things" which is, I suppose, good inspiration for other ladies who are "going through some things." But she has a ways to go, and Maks won't be easy on her until then. 7-6-7
William Levy: Screams burst out when William was introduced. Again, I do not know this person (he's a tela novella star), but it seems the ladies in the ballroom all came to ogle them some William Levy. It was deafening, do you get me? This man was so hot, Tom cheekily warned the judges away from criticism due to threat of ugly mob. He needn't have worried, because Carrie Ann's comment was "Thank you, ABC, for my job," while fanning herself, a sentiment which Brooke and Cheryl echoed, and Bruno's criticism consisted of "you're overdressed." William took all the jokes quite well - he seems like a nice guy. Just... covered in screaming ladies all the time. Wonder how his wife survives all that. 8-8-8
Martina Navratilova: Tennis queen, dancing noob. I suppose we'd expect it to be difficult for her, but come on, Martina! You're competitive - shake what your mamma gave you, and all that. If huge ungainly football players can do it, so can you! 7-6-7
Katherine Jenkins: She's an opera singer from England, and my guess is that she's super popular over there, with best-selling records and huge shows. She's also incredibly adorable, so this is where my theory came from - it would be unfair if she competed in England. Maybe they realized this after Nicole Sherzinger? I should look it up. I'll put my findings at the bottom of the post. As for the dancing, she looks exquisite in the dress, and the dancing is similarly exquisite. 9-8-9
Gladys Knight: Haha, so funny. Gladys introduced herself and let us in on a secret: she wanted to dance with the Pips, all those years, and they plain did not let her, due to Two Left Feet Syndrome. Tristan introduced himself as the "hot one." He's so funny and adorable, especially how none of us can understand his english. Gladys dances a little bit like an old lady, but an old lady with sass, as you might expect. 8-7-8
Jaleel White: He's Urkel, from Family Matters, don't you know? More importantly than Urkel, do you remember the Steve/Stephan saga at the crazy end? The man unexpectedly transformed on the show's producers from scrawny dweeb to model-quality hunk after puberty. Imagine their surprise. And they tried to take advantage, but nothing takes advantage of good looks, charm, and smoothness better than DWTS. Wish this had been around back then! It would've saved him from hosting a weird game show on SyFy? At any rate, the dance was smooth like butter, and Kym leaped onto him after the music was over, so excited to have a contender she couldn't contain herself. 9-8-9
Low-Down on British DWTS: It's called Strictly Come Dancing. What a name! Bruno and Len are also judges on that show, and it airs on Saturdays, so the two of them actually fly to Hollywood from London every week. Crazy! I hope their airplane shields them from the excess radiation? They have Christmas specials and they donate a lot of their proceeds to charities, but they've had fewer seasons in all, because they only run in the falls. I took a look at their past lineups, and didn't see any prominent American celebrities, but that doesn't disprove my theory. Here's other crazy food for thought, though. Carrie Ann seems to have some sense in her head and doesn't fly back and forth all over the world, so they need a different female judge. For a long time it was someone named Arlene Phillips, a choreographer from the West End. But she was dropped in a recent season for, wait for it, the celebrity who won season 5! Weird, eh?
Monday, March 26, 2012
BQBL: Final Standings
WINNER: Rob, 1521 points
- MVBQB: Timothy Richard Tebow, 292 points
2ND PLACE: Nan, 1476 points
- MVBQB: Blaine Gabbert, 421.5 points
3RD PLACE: Me, 968 points
- MVBQB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 353 points
4TH PLACE: Xian, 737 points
- MVBQB: Joe Flacco, 249 points
5TH PLACE: Alison, 652 points
- MVBQB: Michael Vick, 204 points
Other Statistics:
Highest Individual QB Score: Blaine Gabbert, 421.5
Lowest Individual QB Score: Aaron Rodgers, -125
Highest Single Game Score: Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller, 178
Lowest Single Game Score: (Tie) Matt Stafford and Matt Flynn, -34
Team Fielding the Most QBs: Texans (Christian), 4
GQB-NPC Total Points: 7
NQB-NPC Total Points: 966
BQB-NPC Total Points: 1343
Team with the Greatest # of Post-Season Games Played: Christian, 5
Team with the Fewest # of Post-Season Games Played: Nan, 0
And here are your individual charts, in case you want to analyze performance before the start of next season:
Mine:
What We Have Learned Here: The Redskins have a special brand of failure that is not necessarily predicated on their bad quarterback play. We should have know this because they had Donovan McNabb last year, and did almost exactly the same amount of nothing. Lesson learned - the Redskins make all their noise during free agency, and not so much as a whimper in either direction (good or bad) during the regular season. By post-season, they're not even a footnote anymore.
The 49ers and Bengals are going undrafted next year, those jerks.
The Bills were bad, as expected, but it took them far too long to get their affairs in order, and by then, there was no catching up!
Alison's:
What We Learned: The scoring system doesn't favor Alison's gameplan as much as anyone could have anticipated. By the final weeks, her QBs could have all gotten together, streaked naked and drunk through two cities, and sexted some reporters while getting arrested, and she still wouldn't have caught up. I wonder if the official website of BQBL is going to tweak the numbers for next year, or if I have to do it myself.
We also learned that the Browns and the Lions are surprisingly low scorers on the BQBL - not what we would have expected going into the season. Or, heck, looking back on the season. I don't really have an explanation on how the Browns scored so few BQBL points while going 4-12 with Colt McCoy and Seneca Wallace, and no Peyton Hillis.
Nan's:
What We Learned: Nan actually got lucky with the two "cat" teams he got. He could have filled his entire roster with cat teams, but I ended up with those lousy Bengals, and Alison was hit hard by the negative-scoring Lions. I suppose the Jaguars didn't really contribute to Nan's almost-win, either. What have we decided, then? This year's lottery fell on "horse" teams (Colts and Broncos) and "pirate" teams (Buccaneers and Raiders), not "cat" teams (Lions, Bengals, Jaguars, Panthers).
Rob's:
What We Learned: That Rob is a hacker! How could he have known that Jason Campbell, Kyle Orton, and Peyton Manning would all be out of action?! This is all very suspicious...
Xian's:
What We Learned: That despite fielding four (!) different QBs, Houston still managed to not only win a playoff game, but keep their total BQB score to a truly anemic 98. And the Seahawks, an early draft favorite, also mitigated their damages to a total of 302 points. This, again, speaks to the fact that a proper playbook and a level-headed coach are key factors in low BQBL scores, without even taking into account a quarterback's skill level.
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