BQBL: Week 7 Scores

Wow, league.

• Nan: 134
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 0
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 52
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: 36
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 46

Cam Newton getting a goose egg in a win, and Matt Cassel scoring 36 in a win? This would have been a great score on any other week but this one. Sorry, Nan.

• Alison: 48
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: 6
• Eagles - Michael Vick: bye
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 31
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: 11

May I digress to actual football fan-dom for a moment? Thanks.

The Cowboys have actually found a running game for the first time in many years? I mean, we get what everyone lauds as 'great runners' every year, even two or three of them sometimes, but our running game never really delivers in the way it has today, with a rookie backup who's hardly even touched the ball so far this year. The team has way more luck lately with these undrafted \ unknown commodities than the disappointment that was highly-touted, high-priced Roy Williams, or the highly-praised Martell Bennett, neither of whom performed up to expectations.

What does this mean for Alison? An actual run game may mean that Tony won't be throwing when the Cowboys are ahead by 2+ scores and having picks returned for touchdowns: high-scoring BQBL weeks from the Cowboys may be over if this trend continues!

• Me: 10
• Redskins - John Beck: 10
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: bye
• 49ers - Alex Smith: bye
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: bye

Whoooo, three of my teams on bye week on this historically high-scoring weekend? Bad planning, me. And how did John Beck only notch 10 points in a amazing loss like that? He's even bad at being a BQB. I want my money back.

• Rob: 289 (!!!!!!!)
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: 13
• Raiders - Kyle Boller: 107.5, Carson Palmer: 70.5
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: 1
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 81, Dan Orlovsky: 16

HAX!!!!!

• Xian: 67
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 0
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: -14
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 29
• Seahawks - Charlie Whitehurst: 52

Still too angry about Rob to make commentary here.

• GOOD QB NPC: -21
• Patriots - Tom Brady: bye
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 16
• Saints - Drew Brees: -26
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -11
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 41
• Giants - Eli Manning: bye
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 10
• Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: 25
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 6
• BAD QB NPC: 140
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 92
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 10
• Vikings - Christian Ponder: 15
• Rams - AJ Feeley: 23

Ah, my NPC groupings have finally sorted themselves out to be correct. See? Cream will rise to the top, and BQB's will sink to the bottom. At least no one had to take Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady in our league.

DWTS: Week 6

It's Broadway week, and there's two dances per competitor! Action kicks off with a number from Sister Act, the musical - it was loud!

Rob Kardashian

Video: So, his mom visited while he and Cheryl were practicing the cha-cha? And she kind of gushed on about how proud she is, and how he's come so far from the shy boy that he was and turned into a man, and now he's got to go out there and kick some butt. But here's the thing. He tried to say at least two different things during this pre-canned speech of hers, and she ran roughshod right over his attempts to speak. This is why he's so submissive, lady? You and all those other women have been running over him all his life. GO ROB YOU'RE FREE OF THEM NOW.

Outfits: Tame. Like Vegas card dealers.

Dance: Also tame. Kind of carefully done. And the music didn't allow for very much cha-cha party feel. His mom's visit has regressed him back to submissive Rob. :(

Critique: No rhythm - that's as far as the judges got before the boos drowned them out. All the Kardashians are there, if I didn't mention. They comment too much on how much of a man vs a boy he is. He's older than 18, so we shouldn't be having this discussion - it cuckolds a man. 8-7-7

Nancy Grace

Video: Nancy had a crazy moment, and this time, someone was there to say "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" when she jumped to a crazy conclusion. Listen to the man, Nancy. He is the expert.

Outfits: They're all probably going to be boring this week, aren't they. Tristan and Nancy look like they're at a tame Halloween party.

Dance: She's finally forced (or allowed) to smile happily and add personality to the dance. That's good for her. But her steps are awkward at best and didn't look right or on time.

Critique: Carrie Ann claims she nailed everything, so what do I know. Len disagreed. No judges fight. Yet. 9-7-8

David Arquette

Video: They were concerned about his manic energy being released in this song. Energy? That's not what I'd call it. Energy is good, lack of control is bad.

Outfit: Boring.

Dance: Yes, that was manic. But what he did, he did with flair. Parts of it, I thought, were genuinely snappy.

Critique: The judges also used words like "your energy got the better of you" and "your enthusiasm made you get ahead of yourself". That's a really bad sign. 8-7-8

Ricki Lake

Video: She's really competitive, actually! I suppose it's around that time in the competition that you either grit your teeth and tell the camera "I want to WIN that mirror ball!" really aggressively and loud and then put in insane numbers of hours and effort, or you say "I'm so glad I did this, it's been so fun" as you're having your last dance...

Outfit: Tame, and that's good for Ricki, who sometimes gets the bad costume designer

Dance: Kind of tame. Clean, though, and that's what counts.

Critique: Len was nitpicky on a random tidbit, but you know that's a good sign. 10-9-10

Chaz Bono

Video: Poor Lacey seems like she's tired of carrying him through the competition, with him not remembering routines and needing her to talk to him throughout and make easy dances. Lacey deserves some athlete one of these seasons.

Outfit: I think Lacey has something to bolster her butt up really artificially high.

Dance: I thought it was pretty good, actually. His moves were way sharper.

Critique: Now, they're on him, having realized that they gave him too high of scores and he shouldn't be hanging around so far into the competition. Too reactionary, judges. Lacey looked plain out offended at some of the comments after all her hard work. 7-6-6

Hope Solo

Video: If you know anything about Hope, and maybe you don't, you should know that she is not the best "politics" person. She says stuff she doesn't mean, and stuff that should probably be best kept inside, and generally wears her true emotions on the inside. She also appears to take criticism too personally - show your detractors that they were wrong to doubt you, Hope!

Outfit: Did Hope get the bad outfit designer again? Or is this outfit right from Rent? Either way, it was not good, and neither was Max's.

Dance: She went back to semi-stiff, and rumba is a really bad time for that. Also, was there enough content? Maks made a face at the end that clearly said: "are we about to get kicked off?"

Critique: It started apologetically critical by Carrie Ann, and went bad from there, culminating in a snippy rant by Maks, trying to defend Hope from what he knows will be fatal criticism. It was a fight, and even Carrie Ann looked pissed. Remarkably, the voice of reason was Bruno. 7-6-7

JR Martinez

Video: Looks like he's going to sweep this competition without too much difficulty - his only competition is Ricki Lake, the others are just competing to see how many weeks they'll last at this point. Check out the score differentials!

Outfit: Boring!

Dance: Looked like tricky choreo, but it didn't seem perfect and crisply executed to me. Maybe I've become jaded by precise folks like Helio and Kristi Yamaguchi?

Critique: They kept it short and sweet, probably due to the ugliness of the fight previous, and the fact that they were probably going to run out of time if they continued effusive praise. 10-9-10

I did not know who Kristin Chenowicz is, and I don't usually want to be so negative about someone I don't know, but she kind of looks and sounds like a terrifying corpse reanimated and spray-tanned. Cute dress, though? She did a number while the stars changed outfits for the group dance.

Group Dance

Video: This is a really serious, down to earth group of celebrities, but the professional choreographer in charge was "very concerned" things were about to go south on live television. Am I the only one who devoutly hopes that comical moment at the beginning where Lacey and Chaz got stuck in the door trying to go through at the same time, cartoon-style, was genuine? Someone also made the observation that Hope probably benefited most from being around other sexy women, let's hope she takes advantage (no pun intended. How does she avoid puns.) And I've said this before, but Nancy Grace can be positively adorable, which is just not something I would have thought, before seeing her on DWTS.

Outfits: All black and white, the ladies' outfits varied wildly in terms of skin shown. From Karina's, which you probably could have guessed was wholly non-existent, to Nancy and Ricki, who are very much in petticoats back there.

Dance: The together portions were extremely simple, so you couldn't really tell the difference between stars, but you could see a difference between celebs and dance pros, since they gave themselves extra embellishments (spins, etc). Maybe they were trying to cater to some of their bad celebs. The individual parts were really short, and were basically only enough for each person to get out there and demonstrate whatever trick lift they could learn in one day. Ricki's, Nancy's, and Hope's were all terribly awkward, and Chaz did that thing again where he stands there as large backdrop for Lacey to do her thing and look sexy.

Results show featured Corbin Bleu (sp?) in a Macy's Stars of Dance, singing some Broadway song? I didn't recognize it. It came down to Chaz and Hope in the final two (not necessarily the bottom) it was odd because the judges said Chaz did his best dancing that week, and Hope did her worst. I figure these two have a ton of viewer support. In the end, Chad was finally let go. Thanks for everything, Chad!

Dungeon Defenders: Apprentice, In-Depth

Apprentice is my main. This game is a tower defense, and by God, I'm going to play it as a tower defense! Unlike Z, who wouldn't even know what his towers look like, but can kill ogres in like, three shots.

[Potential Problems]

But this is good for me, because Apprentice's main problem is a simple one: surviving the first wave. You better hope you picked up at least a serviceable weapon, or a serviceable companion, because the mana they give you to start out (depending on the level) might not be enough to get by.

The other problem you might face is at the final waves. Ogres, ninjas, multiple ogres - whatever is thrown at you might be too much at this stage. Ninjas or ranged folks could distract you from repairing towers and blockades, and multiple ogres could hit two sides of your defenses at once. You can mitigate by equipping the engineer, enlisting an all-DPS friend, or a repair-capable friend.

Your final thing to watch out for: The towers have vertical range! Try to watch this while laying towers down, they will not target enemies too far in the up and down direction! Also, if there IS a ledge or something in the way, they will sometimes not see enemies, or hit the ledge while trying to hit them. Even if the ground is yellow when you're putting towers down, try to be reasonable about things being in the way of the tower's shot.

[Gameplay]

Other than that, the middle waves and in teams is where you're going to shine. I almost always build as close to the crystal as I can (without allowing the possibility of archers standing outside my range and hitting the crystal) because I want the lightning circles to cover the crystal in case wyverns or ninjas sneak through. Place fireball / deadly strikers behind the crystals, firing past them, and don't forget to cover the same area with fire as well as lightning, for those that are resistant. You don't want a lightning-resistant archer hitting your towers from outside of your fireball towers' range! Once you're entrenched, all your friends are free to run around and take care of enemies as they see fit, without having to worry about the crystals. On boss levels, by the time the boss arrives, I have every lane on lockdown and everyone on my team can focus the boss without worrying about any of the hundreds of minions reaching the crystal(s).

Usually my setup is focused around the lightning tower - though the range is listed as the smallest, it will ultimately hit enemies the farthest away due it it's chain. It will hit enemies around corners, it will hit enemies from miles off. As long as there are hordes (and there are always hordes) it will be your main source of killing before mobs even reach your barricades. It even stuns them for a good moment. The only thing you want to watch for is it's health, because it has to be a little closer to the barricades than other towers, it can get splash damage from exploding kobolds and will definitely take damage from ogre attacks. It could go down during those waves if your back is turned.

Lightning towers of course need to be protected by blockades. Your blockades, if you're not playing with a squire friend. A squire TOWER friend, too, because a DPS squire's blockades and slice n' dices will actually not be as tough as yours, if you've put anything into tower health (or have the engineer equipped). You can't spend all your time trying to repair his blockades, even if they are doing damage, you're better off with the magic pen that yours give and the increased health.

Lightning towers need to be backed up by fireball towers, because lightning resistant mobs will come through. You will have to place fireball towers where they cover the area in front of the blockade, and if possible, the areas where lightning resistant archers could stand and hit the lightning tower.

Finally, the deadly strikers, if you have the Defense Units to spare (your friends may be taking them up, and they are 9 each). It's level-dependent, but I often have them behind the crystals, firing across, towards where the mobs or wyverns are coming from, to pick off anyone who could get to the crystal, and hopefully do some damage to ogres when they arrrive.

[Stats]

So far I have 50+ in all tower categories, and the rest of the points are going to go into attack and attack speed. (I have absolutely zero points in player health, I can be killed in probably two shots, even with bonus health from items) Fifty points in range really expands the tower's range to a very respectable distance - almost 120 degrees for fireball towers, and a solid 45-60 degrees on the deadly striker, and a distance range that can't be seen by the tower camera (they need to make that camera bigger).

Dungeon Defenders: General Tips

Item Drops

Dungeon Defenders makes it easy by putting a green ring and a thumbs up outlining equipment that is better than what you've got on - simply press 'F' while mousing over it to put it right on (and move your current equip to the item box) or 'E' to move it straight to the item box. On the overhead map (press 'shift') items will appear as dark dots if they aren't good for you, and bright green ones if they are. You can even see green items through walls as urgent green arrows. Items that are left on the ground are automatically sold to the bank and proceeds split evenly among the players, so you can just leave the stuff you don't want.

Item Box

The item box can hold 120 items, and can be accessed from the defense forge (the cabinet-looking thing that's there during build phase and in the tavern). From here you can equip your hero, sell excess equipment, upgrade items, and lock items. Click on a piece of equipment you want to save for later, and use the 'lock' on it. You will see a lock appear on that item, and it will not be sold if you press 'Sell All'. This makes equipment sorting and selling a pretty quick and painless task. Want to move it to your hero? Click on the item and choose 'Give to Hero'. It will automatically equip it in the right slot for your person. That's all there is to it!

Colors and Attributes

Red is health

Yellow is damage

Blue is physical speed (range for towers)

Green is casting speed

If the symbol is in the shape of a shield, that indicates defense (lightning + shield = lightning defense) in a square means it's an offensive stat.

So if you're glancing at a set of stats, and you can't quite figure out what the symbols mean, because there a lot of symbols in this game, use that as your base guide.

Keyboard Shortcuts

Navigation in this game is generalized for use in consoles and even the iPad, so it's not going to be the best setup for PC players. You press the middle mouse button to bring up the circle menu, and then you go from there. What you'll want to do is bring up that menu, hover over something you want, let's say: Repair, and then hold down a number button on the keyboard, like you're setting radio stations. It will remap the number buttons to anything in that wheel-menu for faster access.

Defense Units

In the upper right hand corner of the screen you'll see a number xx/xx that defines your defense units. Each of your towers, if you hover over them in the circle menu, has a certain number of defense units associated with it, and there's a max for the map, so if you can't build towers, that may be the reason why.

Resistances

You have resistances, listed in the character sheet (press 'I' to view) but the monster also will occasionally have resistances, and that can cause big problems for someone like the apprentice. The resistant monsters will not look any different than regular monsters - just because a monster is a fiery red color does not mean it's resistant to fire. There will be an elemental symbol next to the monster's health bar (just to the right of it) when you hover over him. Resistant monsters often take NO damage at all from that element, so be sure, as an apprentice, to have double coverage of lightning / fire towers, or else a resistant creature will walk right up to a tower and destroy it without taking any damage.

Dungeon Defenders: Apprentice

Ranged attacks, good towers, and a pushback on right-click. He's going to need a ton of mana at every stage of the game.

Towers

• Magic Missile: Basic tower, no elemental affiliation
• Magic Blockade: Simple blockade, saps magical resistance from monsters
• Fireball Tower: Slow to attack, but does splash damage
• Lightning Tower: Hits 360 degrees, chains lightning among monsters
• Deadly Striker Tower: Sniper tower, long range, but slow to reload and will hit anyone randomly

Skills

• Overcharge: Makes the Apprentice faster at summoning towers or charging Mana Bomb
• Mana Bomb: Uses your mana to bomb an AOE area after a short charge

Important Stats to Invest In

• Player Speed: A few points at least.
• Tower Health: Steady contribution is probably warranted.
• Tower Damage: Probably your main stat to invest in.
• Tower Range: Also good, eventually. Damage and speed first, though.
• Tower Speed: Upgraded attack speed is going to be important. Your #2 investment.

Dungeon Defenders: Huntress

Ranged attacks, no real right-click skill (it's 'reload') and proximity traps that have a certain number of uses before they expire.

Traps

• Proximity Mine: Pretty much what it says. Does good damage.
• Gas Trap: Poison-based, stuns most monsters for a bit
• Inferno Trap: Fire-based, hits all monsters in range for the duration after activation
• Darkness Trap: Divert monster attention away from nearby heroes.
• Ethereal Spike Trap: Lightning-based, does tons of damage to one randomly selected monster in range.

Skills

• Invisibility: 15 mana to activate, 4 per second increasing. Monsters can't see you. Except those &^*(%^& ninjas!
• Piercing shot: Shoot through for extra damage. It's costly and not that effective. But you basically have to use it with the portal gun to do any damage

Important Stats to Invest In

• Health: She is squishtastic, so at least a few points in health
• Damage: Increases as a % based on the weapon, so better to put points in later
• Physical Speed: Important for everyone, at least a few points
• Tower Health: Health for the Huntress is "number of activations before disappearing." It's key to the Huntress tower build.
• Tower Speed: Speed for the Huntress is how often the trap can go off, which is worth a few points.
• Tower Range: I'm not sure if this increases the range of the activation circle, or the damage circle, because I realized to my dismay yesterday that those are not the same circle. Needs investigating

BQBL: Week 6 Scores

A solid recovery this week for bad quarterbacks. A lot of middlin' performances, but a lot of great things going on around the league, the best of which is two benchings and one season-ending injury. There's no points for injury, but it means that yet another team of Rob's is looking for a new QB. At this rate, we'll run dry on viable free agent QBs and Jamarcus Russell may get that call. It's like BQB Russian Roulette!

• Nan: 48
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 27
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 27
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: bye
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: -6

His two cat teams become indistinguishable from one another: they're both bad.

• Alison: 47
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: -1
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 5, Vince Young: 5
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 20
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: 22

The Cowboys and Eagles finally get their passing games under control (except for Vince Young) and score low. The Browns and the Lions finally also get their BQBL game under control and start delivering solid numbers.

• Me: 100
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 73
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: 12
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 10
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: 0

Now that's more like what I'm talking about! Sexy Rexy, to the max! Lead my team to victory, Rex Grossman! And even though the Bills put up good numbers, and the 49ers won their game against the Lions, both Fitzpatrick and Smith net me positive points! That's what this team is all about, gentlemen. Being bad, and being carried by the rest of your team. After all, Rex Grossman made it to the Superbowl while throwing 5 picks a game. However, the best is still to come - I know Andy Dalton can also underperform like he hasn't show us so far, and this isn't the nadir of Smith and Fitzpatrick's abilities, either. I've seen you play worse, Smith and Fitzpatrick! Let's get back to it! *coaching clap* Also, I'm really excited that I have a chance to be the only team this year to bench the #1 QB for the #2, and then bench the #2 for the #1. I think that's a legitimate possibility with the Redskins this year.

• Rob: 95
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: 49
• Raiders - Jason Campbell: 13, Kyle Boller: 12
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: bye
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 21

A solid week out of his QB backups (Matt Moore and Curtis Painter are both in the game due to starting QB injuries) and he notches a third to his list of lost starters. He was rooting for a Jamarcus sighting (of course, chances are slim to laughable, since Oakland is the team that initially waved Jamarcus off), but it looks like things are taking a turn for the worse this time: the Raiders signed Carson Palmer this morning. But despite none of his teams fielding the same guy they started last month, he still got edged this week by the heroic efforts of Sexy Rexy. Wooooo, no one beats Sexy Rexy! Except for John Beck, I guess.

• Xian: 8
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 2
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: 2
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 4
• Seahawks - Tarvaris Jackson: bye

Me: 8 points this week. That's grim times.

Xian: Man, I am losing.

Rob: Who screwed him over this week?

Me: Mostly the Seahawks. By being on bye.

Rob: Well, I didn't have the Broncos this week. They are going to be a juggernaut.

Me: I don't know, Rob. You can't get more benching points from them - they already benched their starting QB and they aren't going back to Kyle Orton. Unlike my Redskins. Who will invariably.... *apply sunglasses* .... be bringing Sexy back.

Roger Daltrey: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

• GOOD QB NPC: 10
• Patriots - Tom Brady: -2
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: bye
• Saints - Drew Brees: 18
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -6
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 4
• Giants - Eli Manning: -2
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 6
• Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: bye
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 0
• BAD QB NPC: 81
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: bye
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 5
• Vikings - Donovan McNabb: 60, Christian Ponder: 5
• Rams - Sam Bradford: 11

I said last week that I regretted not taking the Vikings, and now I just wonder to myself what I could've possibly been thinking. I knew the Bengals and Bills had no one on their teams, to run, throw, catch, defend, etc. but I knew the commodity that was Donovan McNabb, and that should have tipped the scales in his favor. Despite Adrian Peterson, despite Jared Allen, he's putting up the kind of solid numbers I can only dream about. This was a man who didn't have a bad season, but was cut loose in favor of Kevin Kolb, who was ALSO cut from the Eagles, put up 70 points last week, and got benched for someone I have never heard of before in my life. And then he was traded within the division to Washington, where he made a mess of the season, and then got benched for Rex Freaking Grossman. What more evidence did I need? I need to invent time travel to go back and prevent this atrocity from happening.

DWTS: Week 5

What an 80s outfit you have on, Brooke. And her hair is carefully big. What a throwback.

Hope Solo

Video: Carrie Ann opened the video by suggesting Hope stick to feeling the music and being sexy, and her natural athleticism will carry her through. She must have missed last week's video, where Hope flat-out said that she needs to practice til' it's perfect, and there's no other way for her to learn. It WAS quite the platonic foxtrot, last week. Tango is about hate and love, so hopefully she can quickly learn to channel the 'fight' to 'sexy'.

Outfit: Excellent coat-dress, but why the little back clutch? Maks coat is pretty great, and Hope's dress is very Debbie Gibson? 80's Madonna?

Dance: I said before that Hope's idea of "sexy" involves too much of a weird face. Weird face has been fixed, but her new concept of sexy involves a lot of disdainful sashaying and head tossing. Also, Len is not going to like all this time wasted on storyline. If I could give my advice, I'd say she needs to watch some professionals and have Maks explain what, precisely and specifically, is involved in "sexy".

Critique: Judges fight, already? Their advice is completely garbled when they talk over each other like that.

Interview: It's so hard to come up with those perfect little quips that occasionally happen with Maks. Brooke tried, with a "Maks calls your relationship love-love, not love-hate. How would you characterize it?" but neither of them had a really snippy thing to say. Maybe later, at the confession booth.

Conclusion: You're sexy, Hope! Believe in it! Didn't you do the 'Bodies' issue of ESPN the magazine? 8-8-8

Carson Kressley

Video: Come on, Carson, it's come-back week! Jive is well suited to your manic style, but you're just so uncoordinated.

Outfit: Quite insane. Terribly bright. Involved pom-poms.

Dance: Uncoordinated, as I said. And, he seems to forget his stuff a lot - it's like a neon flashing, pom-pom-covered, fluorescent car wreck. Carrie Ann was covering her eyes by the end.

Critique: They still complemented his cheerful and entertaining attitude, which is always bad - if a person is a contender, they talk about things they can improve, now about how "great it is to have such an entertaining personality on the show" or "I really admire you for coming out here and giving it your all". And you know it's getting serious when they start to talking about how "it's week 5, it's time to start bringing it or going home".

Interview: Brooke was surprised he didn't come out in the full cheerleading skirt and poms, and he said: "maybe next week." So, a reason to vote for him!

Conclusion: It's that time of the season when Carson has something to be worried about. 6-6-7

Nancy Grace

Video: Catty week between Nancy Grace and her partner Tristan. She must be hard to deal with - he says she makes up her mind about what things are before he's even finished a sentence. And he's trying to teach her something she knows nothing about! I assume it's a prosecutor thing, to want to take someone's words and then sound like you know what you're talking about, but come on, Nancy. Zip up and learn, as Len is fond of saying.

Outfit: Cute, actually. Huge curly hair extensions made her look like she was 17 and at prom in 1987.

Dance: It looked technically advanced, and smooth, but still without the flair of an actress.

Critique: Carrie Ann hates it when people aren't sexy-towne in their rumbas. I know Carrie Ann wants to get across that she wants to feel the emotional connection, but she didn't really... say that in so many words. I hope Nancy and Tristan caught what she meant and not what she said.

Interview: Brooke asked them about their interaction, and Nancy said it was fine and Tristan "just needs to listen to my dance suggestions! But no, he keeps thinking he's the dancer here."

Conclusions: So, she's cuter and more fun than you thought she was. 7-7-8

JR Martinez

Video: He's Latin-ish, so he's taking advantage. He's bringing the "Jose Renee" part of JR to the floor.

Outfit: Miami-flavored.

Dance: Great song for a party dance like the salsa. But, as he said in the video, he sometimes waggles his body, but forgets where his feet are. She did make him do some samba rolls, which were .... okay. All in all, though, the spirit of party was well on display - he really threw it down.

Critique: Bruno said that some woman almost threw herself off the balcony to get to him. Carrie Ann just made a squealie noise. That's solid praise.

Interview: "Karina threw everything at you, even samba rolls!" "And props. She often throws props."

Conclusion: He knows how to dig deep, that is so vital for this competition. 9-9-10

Rob Kardashian

Video: Clearly it's time to take everything you've learned from Cheryl and fly, Rob! Take the lead and be a manly Rob! They brought in Romeo from last season (a friend of Rob's from USC), who actually had a pretty good rumba with Chelsea (Romeo's best dance, let's not get into his fun yet weird stalking of Chelsea). Romeo may be just what Rob needs - some instruction on being completely brash, bold, and masculine, in a sensual dance like the rumba, and take control of the dance, and the girl.

Outfit: Standard. Cheryl kinda looked somewhat jungle-Cheryl.

Dance: Rob took some tips from Romeo, but he seemed to interpret some of his intensity as "looking down". Technique solid as usual (it's Cheryl, duh!) and the performance aspect is on the rise.

Critique: All three of them complemented him on coming out of Cheryl's shadow, and Carrie Ann mentioned how he's rapidly gaining ground in the competition. I told you, Carrie Ann - all Cheryl needs is time.

Interview: "We've asked you to over come your shyness, and then to learn how to make love on the dance floor - are you worried about what DWTS is going to ask of you next?" "Just don't ask me to take off my shirt yet."

Conclusion: Like I've said before, just a matter of time... 9-8-8

Chaz Bono

Video: They complemented his Paso from last week, but Paso is a pretty easy dance for the guy. Samba is going to be nearly impossible. But Lacey brings out the big guns (literally?), her dad, Buddy Schwimmer. Buddy is a renowned dance coach, and he's just as big as Chaz around the middle. Not only does he show Chaz how to bust a groove, he shows Chaz that big dudes not only can shake it, they "have more to shake."

Outfit: Another 80s prom theme set of outfits. Lacey looks like a rainbow cupcake.

Dance: It seemed to me to have way more content than his usual stuff. It also had a good amount of fun party atmosphere. Thanks, Buddy Schwimmer!

Critique: I said earlier, it's not super good when the judges go with "I appreciate you coming out here and trying" instead of things they can actually do to improve. It means the judges want you gone.

Interview: I was mostly distracted by that 80s picture of Brooke. She was gently displeased in a politically correct way. You're a good host, Brooke.

Conclusion: Best dance for Chaz -can Buddy Schwimmer come in every week? 8-9-8 (he got more points than Hope?)

David Arquette

Video: The video of the paso from last week reminded me that David is a little too careful with it, thinking about all his moves with that focused / terrified look on his face. He finally thinks things are 'clicking' this week, so hopefully he can learn the routine solid, and then fret about it less. He's also just about completely sobered up (sweat it out!) and his director/producer self is taking control, giving Kym suggestions (!) for the choreography. And doing some quality Len impressions to boot. Remarkable.

Outfit: Bad boy 80s! David is one of the few people who was in high school during that era - he remembers the "Bad" and spraypaint / breakdance culture. I think he's wearing just enough eyeliner, too.

Dance: Aha! I was right! He finally looks like he's concentrating less on remembering the moves and just cramming passion and aggression (and acting) into it instead. It was a pretty tame routine, though.

Critique: High praise from Len, and his daughter in the audience practically lost it. I wonder if Courtney Cox covers her ears / eyes when Bruno gives critiques. Judges fight drowned out most of what Carrie Ann is trying to say. Something about working on musicality.

Interview: Tom had to cut off the judges with "Now, it is my turn to talk." Just to keep things clear. Brooke's questions were answered with total gibberish as David continues to act a bit drunk.

Conclusion: He's recovering. I hope. It is, after all, more important than a dance competition. 8-9-8.

Ricki Lake

Video: Ricki's losing weight fast. That picture of her as chubby Tracy Turnblad in 1987 featured John Waters, who stopped by at practice. He has not changed his look at all - anyone else who looked like that would be a child molester suspect on CSI.

Outfit: Terrible. There must be one awful outfit-maker on this show, and Ricki gets that person once in a while. Those ruffles weren't very 80s, and they certainly weren't very flattering. To top it all off, you couldn't see the movement of her legs. She even complained herself that she looked ridiculous - despite the fact that she looks better now, thirty years later.

Dance: Like I said, couldn't see much of what she was doing underneath that stupid curtain.

Critique: Bruno and Carrie Ann actively hated the Roger Rabbit and Running Man moves. Speculation on why Derek put it in the dance included hairspray interfering with brain cells, and Derek being in diapers during the 80s. Len tried to say "No one likes funk like I do, but not in the foxtrot." But he couldn't finish over the guffaws of laughter.

Interview: Ricki admitted to throwing in those two 80s moves out of her own 80s repertoire (since Derek has none) and then messing up the move, and quickly said that all the dancing in the future would be choreographed by Derek alone.

Conclusion: Stop getting that outfit-maker, Ricki. Also, Roger Rabbit probably doesn't have a place in foxtrot... 8-8-8

The Sing-Off 2-1

My naming convention isn't the right one. This is the third week, but there's still too many groups to get through in one night, so this is part one of Radio Hits and 60's Classics challenge.

Vocal Point opened with an acapella version of "Never Say Never," which sounds odd when not sung by a child? Their 60's song was "The Way You Look Tonight" which was a simple thing for them - it fit their style, and one of their guys plain out sounds exactly like Harry Connick, Jr.

Delilah understands that it's "go big or go home," so their arrangement of "Whaddya Want From Me" went for full drama factor. It was a good idea, but their real powerhouse is Amy, and I think the others don't have the right timbre. For their 60's song, they sang "Heat Wave," and that was perfect. It's right in their range, and all the supporting sounds and beats sound great when done by all girls. The judges were somehow disappointed more by the second, because their lack of mid-range was more apparent to them in that arrangement, due to the fact that they stuck more to the original.

Urban Method sang "Just Can't Get Enough" from the Black Eyed Peas. They somehow give a super clubby feel to acapella. And the blonde, Liz, was spot on. I suppose Fergie's parts aren't the most challenging. They smartly used a different male singer and let the rapper just do his part and not the whole thing. Their other song was "Dance to the Music," which was also clubby, and a pretty easy song to reproduce well.

Afro-Blue got "American Boy," which is a song I like, and I thought their style would mess with it too much, but they were really inventive with the arrangement. It was jazzy and unique, but recognizable. Their harmonies were super complex and the individual scatting by group members was truly impressive. Their other song was "Heard it Through the Grapevine" and they were the only ones to really change up the arrangement, to mixed results.

The YellowJackets got "Dynamite" for their current hit, and this is a tough one. They do know how to take advantage of their big group to fill up the sound space. Also, they got new yellow jackets, which is just fun. They split the solos up between a number of guys, and none of them have the smooth sound of the original, but all in all it worked for them. In contrast, their other song, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" mostly didn't need that many background guys, actually, but was pulled off spectacularly by the soloist - who is totally in love with Sarah, apparently. Quality.

Kinfolk9 got "Price Tag" - bad song for them, and then "Let It Be," also bad. I mean, we're all for showcasing your soloist, but it's a song with nothing else. And then they got sent home. Boo.

DWTS: Week 4

Film night in the ballroom - extra orchestra everywhere.

Chynna talked about how important it was to not mess up this week, because of Kristin all that, and then proceeds to mess up horrifically. Disaster. Still got 7-7-7, though, and it's too bad she messed up, because it looked like Tony was finally pulling out all the stops in his choreography - the dance was to the theme from Mission Impossible, and he came into the ballroom on a suspension wire!

David, if I have not mentioned before, looks good for his age and circumstances. He danced to the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark, and also had a bold entrance. He embodies his dances well (remember, actor) but the physical details are sometimes missed, like hand position and extension. He inspired a really solid judges fight: 8-7-8.

Carson and Anna probably went too cheesy in their rendition of the theme Curse of the Black Pearl. What Viennese waltz there was seemed pretty good, except he's still a bit on banana peel shoes, somehow. You gotta love how he's the star who's in this most for the outfits. 7-6-7

Nancy Grace had the song from Flash Gordon, which is plain out not good. Even though I thought she put a lot of prosecutor-brand aggression into her Paso and played her part well, the judges disagreed, thinking she needs to connect more with the audience to make it more 'exciting'. Hey dudes, she's not an actress, she's a lawyer. It's kind of cool to see her so cheery, though. Whenever you see her on her own show, she's invariably angry at something. 7-7-7.

Hope and Maks fight all the way through the video segment. Hope wants to drill until each step is muscle memory, and Maks thinks she's overthinking everything to the point of frustrating and messing herself up. They eventually make up and Hope decides to put her faith in Maks' crazy teaching style. The song was "You Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story, which is ridiculously relaxing and slow. It makes for a kind of foxtrot that we've never seen before, but as long as the judges thought technique was sound, that's what counts. Len seemed... angry about something though. Maybe Maks' teaching style, or the perception that the video gave of their teamwork. 8-8-8

Rob has the Paso, to the theme from Superman. Haven't we done this song before? Cheryl and Rob's approach is more 'Clark' than Jason Taylor's 'Superman'. While I'm comparing the two, Jason Taylor's Paso jump was way awesomer. Was it Jason Taylor? Or the other guy? Anyway, no real disrespect, Rob, it was good otherwise. Also, Len, so angry tonight. 8-8-8

Ricki Lake somehow got the theme from the movie Psycho? Derek opened and closed with a really clever and visually appealing silhouette sequence, but the timing of the weird song was tough, even for him. Her technique seemed fine, but she panicked all week with the moves, and you could see some of that in the performance. The first thing all night that Len even remotely liked, I think. 10-9-10, first tens of the season!

After a really short cameo by a really, really old Richard Simmons, Chaz debuts a Paso to the Rocky theme song. He does more actual dancing movements, which is what the judges asked for, and he runs up the stairs at the end - no mean feat for a large man with bad knees, people. Also, Cher is there, how cool is that. Carrie Ann cried, which makes Cher cry, so they cut her off before she could do any more damage. 7-7-7, dude that's more than Carson and Anna. Big surge from last week.

So Lacey brings in Richard Simmons (poor Lacey needs a winning-caliber partner one of these seasons...) but Karina brings in a foxtrot champion to crack the whip on J.R., this is the difference between contender and 'just celebrity,' unfortunately. The theme from the Pink Panther suits the foxtrot way better than "You've Got a Friend in Me," and the subtle humor (I thought) was great. For some reason, Carrie Ann did not like it, and Len called her crazy for once. I was shouting "FIGHT! FIGHT!" the whole time - alas, they were just catty. 8-9-9.

Results show was no good, you can skip it. I don't even know who Raphael Saadiq is, and his rendition of "Soul Man," can't stand up to the original (could anything?) And then there's Susan Boyle, and I'm not a Susan Boyle fan, already! I really think she's not very good at singing. Honestly. And Blake Shelton is good, but "Footloose" is also just fine as is. So that's three songs that were much better in their original versions.

Chynna and Tony get eliminated. Too bad, she was pretty good.

BQBL: Week 5 Scores

The first of the bye weeks, we should have expected a drop in scores, but this week was insane. Now, only a choice few QBs are performing badly enough for major points, and some of them are on teams that no one took.

• Nan: 38
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 2
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 15
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: -10
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 38

For a moment, I thought he had the Cardinals (who benched their starting QB, Kevin Kolb), and I raged against the injustice. Oh how I raged. But then I realized I had mixed up two bright red teams. He has the Chiefs - it's all right, people! Go ahead and stand down. You can cancel the hit on Nan. (For now.)

• Alison: 47
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: bye
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 42
• Browns - Colt McCoy: bye
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: 5

Two teams on byes, but a solid week out of Michael Vick - a savvy BQBL pick if I've ever seen one!

• Me: 5
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: bye
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: 11
• 49ers - Alex Smith: -5
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: -1

What's going on, world? Why are you upside down? Where's the much-loved 'league parity' we're always talking about? If these perennially atrocious teams are all suddenly contenders, who are the new bottom-dwellers? Huhn? Answer me that, league.

• Rob: 78
• Dolphins - Chad Henne: bye
• Raiders - Jason Campbell: 11
• Broncos - Kyle Orton: 67
• Colts - Curtis Painter: bye

Two teams on byes, and one of his remaining teams gets a benching! You can't get this lucky every week, Rob! *shakes fist

• Xian: -11
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 5
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: -15
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: bye
• Seahawks - Tarvaris Jackson: -1

Again, tumultuous. Works for me, though, because despite my atrocious week of 5 BQBL points, at least someone did worse than me.

• GOOD QB NPC: 6
• Patriots - Tom Brady: -1
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 32
• Saints - Drew Brees: -16
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: --9
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 189
• Giants - Eli Manning: 41
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 26
• Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: 70.5, Richard Bartel: 25.5
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 26
• BAD QB NPC: 28
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 7
• Bears - Jay Cutler: bye
• Vikings - Donovan McNabb: 21
• Rams - Sam Bradford: bye

Some of the sleeper teams none of us picked:

Vikings - every week someone has to vouch for Donovan McNabb. And fans clamoring for Christian Ponder? Not so promising for him

Jets - we knew they were covering for Mark Sanchez, but we didn't know that his bad QBing could overcome all that compensating

Cardinals - what!? Philadelphia is making a business of pretending they have good QBs and then pulling the rug out from under you once you're halfway on the bandwagon.

Giants - No one talks about the Eli-Coaster, or the Roethlis-Coaster. They just like piling on when someone's got a star on their head, you know?