I'm just going to quote this straight up. It's a quality rant from the one and only. Nan.
"World Series? That's just like Americans. You think you're the only one's in the world, don't you. There are people outside America. And what is up with Miss Universe, too? There's got to be a really hot alien out there somewhere. Her interview could be like, 'My qualifications include conquering solar systems and I can also sing and control minds. I'm running on the platform of extermination of all life on earth."
Also, it seems the 80's have snuck through Street Fighter II the cartoon and poked me in the eye. A sneaky manuever, 80's! Don't think I'll let my guard down twice!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Why Me
Me: This is your big chance. Resident Evil 4 for the Wii has a simple point-and-shoot interface. No more of this crap about blaming the controllers for "ruining your shot". I swear, you are the biggest whiner in the history of consoles.
Nan: Am not. Consoles suck. I need my mouse and keyboard.
Me: Take the controller and close your mouth before you get punched. I swear to you it's a good game. There's no text, no leveling, no complex mechanics, nothing. Just shooting guys. You like shooting guys. Heck, there's only three buttons. Now play it or I break your mouse.
Nan: What? He's like, blocking half the screen, and I can't turn fast enough. This is stupid and unrealistic.
Me: And bunny-hopping nazis are so true to life?
Nan: Yes. At least you can run and shoot at the same time.
Me: See this? This is me breaking your arm.
Nan: But it's my birthday.
Me: AND I GOT YOU RESIDENT EVIL 4, NOW PLAY IT I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY THIS TIME!!
Nan: I'm too scared.
Me: Lies! I saw you play Half-Life 2 and Doom 3.
Nan: There's too many buttons to remember.
Me: BULL! There's a hundred or more buttons on the keyboard and mouse and you lovingly memorize them all for your stupid computer shooters. PLAY THE GAME AND QUIT YOUR WHINING.
Nan: Well, Half-Life 2 was a much better game.
Me: They are both good shooters. There's little difference to the quality of gameplay.
Nan: Half-Life 2 had a good storyline.
Me: That, sir, may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. You, have never, ever, in any game, listened to one word of storyline. You were always trying to shoot Alex in the face when she was explaining something to you, then you'd come crawling to me when you couldn't figure out how to operate the elevators.
Nan: Well, it had a better storyline.
Me: If you can tell me even one sentence of that story, I'll agree, and give you a hundred dollars.
Nan: Well, there was the thing, and the other thing happened, and then you shot a bunch of stuff.
Me: Very articulate. Let me ask you what the main character's name was.
Nan: "Guy-who-shot-stuff?"
Me: And the main girl's name?
Nan: "Chick who talked too much and had... a... robot dog?"
Me: And her father's name?
Nan: "Old, chicken-y... dude?"
Me: And what were you all doing in this fantastic storyline, may I ask?
Nan: "The... Cha-Cha?"
And, cue stranglehold.
Nan: Am not. Consoles suck. I need my mouse and keyboard.
Me: Take the controller and close your mouth before you get punched. I swear to you it's a good game. There's no text, no leveling, no complex mechanics, nothing. Just shooting guys. You like shooting guys. Heck, there's only three buttons. Now play it or I break your mouse.
Nan: What? He's like, blocking half the screen, and I can't turn fast enough. This is stupid and unrealistic.
Me: And bunny-hopping nazis are so true to life?
Nan: Yes. At least you can run and shoot at the same time.
Me: See this? This is me breaking your arm.
Nan: But it's my birthday.
Me: AND I GOT YOU RESIDENT EVIL 4, NOW PLAY IT I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY THIS TIME!!
Nan: I'm too scared.
Me: Lies! I saw you play Half-Life 2 and Doom 3.
Nan: There's too many buttons to remember.
Me: BULL! There's a hundred or more buttons on the keyboard and mouse and you lovingly memorize them all for your stupid computer shooters. PLAY THE GAME AND QUIT YOUR WHINING.
Nan: Well, Half-Life 2 was a much better game.
Me: They are both good shooters. There's little difference to the quality of gameplay.
Nan: Half-Life 2 had a good storyline.
Me: That, sir, may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. You, have never, ever, in any game, listened to one word of storyline. You were always trying to shoot Alex in the face when she was explaining something to you, then you'd come crawling to me when you couldn't figure out how to operate the elevators.
Nan: Well, it had a better storyline.
Me: If you can tell me even one sentence of that story, I'll agree, and give you a hundred dollars.
Nan: Well, there was the thing, and the other thing happened, and then you shot a bunch of stuff.
Me: Very articulate. Let me ask you what the main character's name was.
Nan: "Guy-who-shot-stuff?"
Me: And the main girl's name?
Nan: "Chick who talked too much and had... a... robot dog?"
Me: And her father's name?
Nan: "Old, chicken-y... dude?"
Me: And what were you all doing in this fantastic storyline, may I ask?
Nan: "The... Cha-Cha?"
And, cue stranglehold.
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