NFL Network

Don't think you're missing out on anything without the NFL Network. Sure, the Cowboys game is going well so far for the home team (5:30 til the half). But Bret Favre is out of the game right now - Aaron Rogers is playing! Also, a few aesthetic issues to complain about. The NFL network refuses to bow to convention: the line of scrimmage is bright red, as is the game clock. It's surprisingly distracting.

And a complaint against complainers: Chris Collingsworth is a hater, and he's spent all night so far doing nothing but hating on T.O. and Tony Romo. "If I had the kind of fairy-tale success two seasons Tony Romo has had, I'd sure be smiling and joking around, too!" Is that so, Chris Collingsworth? Too bad you're just a bitter old man, sitting across from Tiki Barber on Sunday nights this season instead, isn't it?

A Riot of Fun

A good day of football today, Dallas vs. Miami. Down in Florida, it was apparently burning under the oppression of the sun, and both teams sagged while they were on the field. I don't know about the Dolphins, but I know the Cowboys own a "personal air-conditioning system" for those extensively nasty games in that Dallas half-dome, where it gets both very hot, and very cold. The system plugs into the back of a player's shoulderpads, and pumps either hot or cold air straight into their confining uniform and circulates around to keep them from over-heating.

At first, the game was normal, though the offense was on the field for an abnormally long time, wearing out Miami's defense and scoring a couple of times. Though Miami came back by the end of the first half, it was pretty clear that their defense was tired, over-heated, and rather upset at being out on the field for two-thirds of the first thirty minutes.

As the second half wore on, the Dolphins actually became laughingly obsolete, and it seemed to become a contest between the Cowboy's offense, and the Cowboy's defense - who wanted to sit on the sidelines in their air-conditioned pads more. As soon as the defense stepped on the field, they made a spectacular interception of the football, and Nan and I adlibbed them as they celebrated: "Get back out there, Tony Romo! That's right! Back to my air-conditioning! Boy, howdy is it hot out he-yuh!"

Offense walks onto the field? Immediate huge play for touchdown. "That's right, defense. We're done here, why dun ya'll get back onto the field! I'm hustling back for my air-conditioning and Gatorade."

They went back and forth maybe five times in the final quarter, in a small war over who would get to sit on the sidelines longer before Miami simply gave up in disgust.

Miss Solar System?

I'm just going to quote this straight up. It's a quality rant from the one and only. Nan.

"World Series? That's just like Americans. You think you're the only one's in the world, don't you. There are people outside America. And what is up with Miss Universe, too? There's got to be a really hot alien out there somewhere. Her interview could be like, 'My qualifications include conquering solar systems and I can also sing and control minds. I'm running on the platform of extermination of all life on earth."

Also, it seems the 80's have snuck through Street Fighter II the cartoon and poked me in the eye. A sneaky manuever, 80's! Don't think I'll let my guard down twice!

Why Me

Me: This is your big chance. Resident Evil 4 for the Wii has a simple point-and-shoot interface. No more of this crap about blaming the controllers for "ruining your shot". I swear, you are the biggest whiner in the history of consoles.
Nan: Am not. Consoles suck. I need my mouse and keyboard.
Me: Take the controller and close your mouth before you get punched. I swear to you it's a good game. There's no text, no leveling, no complex mechanics, nothing. Just shooting guys. You like shooting guys. Heck, there's only three buttons. Now play it or I break your mouse.
Nan: What? He's like, blocking half the screen, and I can't turn fast enough. This is stupid and unrealistic.
Me: And bunny-hopping nazis are so true to life?
Nan: Yes. At least you can run and shoot at the same time.
Me: See this? This is me breaking your arm.
Nan: But it's my birthday.
Me: AND I GOT YOU RESIDENT EVIL 4, NOW PLAY IT I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY THIS TIME!!
Nan: I'm too scared.
Me: Lies! I saw you play Half-Life 2 and Doom 3.
Nan: There's too many buttons to remember.
Me: BULL! There's a hundred or more buttons on the keyboard and mouse and you lovingly memorize them all for your stupid computer shooters. PLAY THE GAME AND QUIT YOUR WHINING.
Nan: Well, Half-Life 2 was a much better game.
Me: They are both good shooters. There's little difference to the quality of gameplay.
Nan: Half-Life 2 had a good storyline.
Me: That, sir, may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. You, have never, ever, in any game, listened to one word of storyline. You were always trying to shoot Alex in the face when she was explaining something to you, then you'd come crawling to me when you couldn't figure out how to operate the elevators.
Nan: Well, it had a better storyline.
Me: If you can tell me even one sentence of that story, I'll agree, and give you a hundred dollars.
Nan: Well, there was the thing, and the other thing happened, and then you shot a bunch of stuff.
Me: Very articulate. Let me ask you what the main character's name was.
Nan: "Guy-who-shot-stuff?"
Me: And the main girl's name?
Nan: "Chick who talked too much and had... a... robot dog?"
Me: And her father's name?
Nan: "Old, chicken-y... dude?"
Me: And what were you all doing in this fantastic storyline, may I ask?
Nan: "The... Cha-Cha?"

And, cue stranglehold.

Closure Wanted

Heroes does it again.

Right as they close up shop, as they did in January, they left the characters all up in the air. Somehow, I've gotten the idea that they do this to enable their own negotiations with the actors. If any negotiations fall through, no problem! Your character actually died at the end of last season. You get a good deal on a return actor? Great! It seems your character miraculously lived!

Let me tally up the scoreboard, which of course, includes el spoilos.
Sylar - duh!
Matt - shot, but ambulanced.
DL - shot, but ambulanced.
Ando - alive, but anywhere on the Eastern Hemisphere
Peter - whatever.
Nathan - potential miraculous recovery
Peter&Nathan's Mom - no mention
Claire and Mr. Bennett - could easily disappear for good

Anyhow, it's just a feeling I get.

Hate Puffs

(The rest of the conversation is mostly irrelevant, yes?)
Christian: Yes. It fills me with hate. I am overflowing with evil intent.

Me: Like, say, a cream puff.

Christian: Only instead of cream, filled with hate. A hate puff.

Me: A hate puff, indeed.

Torment Unyielding

Nan: "I have just turned into a potato."
Me: "Just now."
Nan: "Yes. Just now."
Me: "Of course."
Nan: "I feel exceptionally starchy."
Me: "Mmm."
Nan: "I am a potato, potato, potato. A sweet potato, even. A yam, perhaps."
Me: "I'll be over here, ignoring your crazy."
Nan: "A wookie potato. Rwaawrn."
Me: "... I'm going to have to kill you now."
Nan: "Well, remember. The sun'll come out, tomorrow, tomorrow, it's uh... going to be sunny."
Me: "First of all, tomorrow is forecasted for rain, secondly, those aren't even the lyrics."
Nan: "Don't underestimate the orphan's powers."
Me: "Of... weather forecasting?"
Nan: "She has a doppler radar built into her head."
Me: "Is that so?"
Nan: "Of course. Annie - it's short for Anntenna."
Me: "You die now."

Chatterbox

Christian: Alison does this thing where... she sometimes doesn't want to talk.
me: !!
Christian: I am like, whoah. Weeeeiiiird.
me: well!
then, what do you do
sit around?
Christian: Not like, she's not interested in talking to me.
me: does she make kitty noises like carla?
Christian:But, she's more interested in sleep.
me: i only know so many girls.
Christian: That is so weird.
Girls should not be allowed to get away with that.
Well, see. Here we go.
>chriszf13: Tell me. As a woman, do you ever have phases where you make only noises like 'meh' oh 'enh' or 'meep' or maybe meowl like a cat, and have to have someone translate for you?
>wasabiyumyummy: yes.
>chriszf13: ...
So. Therefore..
Asian girls are stupid.

Identity

I should be on that show, Identity. I'm really good at this.

So, there's a random show on Discovery Channel called "Cash Cab" and I only caught maybe 2 minutes of it, but the premise is that a game show disguised as a common New York City cab drives around the city picking up unsuspecting contestants. The theme of today's questions was apparently food, but you'll never guess who the cab happened to pick up.

It was totally Crazy Legs Conte and Eater X! Now, the show probably had no way of recognizing these guys, but I'm a fan of MLE, as stupid as it may be. They answered almost every question right, seeing as these guys ought to know everything there is to know about food. I just thought I should mention it, since no one else made the connection to the celebrities.

The real conclusion to all this is that I watch too much TV.

Hiro(s)

Naturally, the show's title has changed to reflect my personal favorites.

I love Heroes to death, and this week, we have come to the realization that Heroes is spinning us an magnificently Scheherazade weaving.

Step 1: "Let me answer all of your questions with drama and flair."
Step 1a: "Also! I will introduce twenty new questions at the same time!"
Step 2: "Just wait until next week! I will answer all of your questions!"

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Rake in fans.

The One Game

Christian: Yes. I am a fan of all things Command and Conquer. I will play it when ... when I find time to play it.

Me: Is that like saying, you'll find time to pray to a god other than God when you have time?

Christian: There really is only one game, isn't there.

Me: And to say otherwise would be against the founding tenets of our religion.

Christian: Speaking of which, don't we have to have a religious pilgrimage to the Holy Lands?

Me: South Korea?

Christian: Yes. Sit at the feet of masters, pray unto Mecca and receive their holy blessing, etc.

Me: We have other obligations in life that are more pressing.

Christian: These are the excuses of the weak and unworthy. What else could one accomplish in a lifetime.

Me: I dunno. The usual. Work, marriage, children.

Christian: Children can be outsourced. Catch up with modern times already.

Me: Fine. At least let's stop by Japan so we can hang around outside the Nintendo Headquarters for a bit.

Christian: Agreed.

Link Wars

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/17/world/europe/17cheese.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

With this link, he has finally destroyed me.

I mean, the proverbial eye has been put out and what not.

Not that he is a better man than me, I do not concede him victory in that regard; but his incessant linkage has me at a loss.

Radically Free

Man, I worked in the field of free radical biology for a while, and everyone asked me what it was about all the time. On top of that, I hear tiny sound-bytes about free radicals whenever someone's trying to sell something with anti-oxidants in it. They're supposed to stop summarizing by saying "it prevents cancer" because that, of course, isn't strictly true, but they really do a bad job of dumbing it down without resorting to those words.

But, lo and behold, my hero Alton Brown has just given the shortest, most succint, and most beautiful explanation of free radicals ever, and it involved whipped cream and strawberries to boot.

But... You Lost

I have never understood something about mascots. Well, to be honest, I've never really understood mascots in the first place. It's all well and good to name your team after something, but aren't some things far and away better than others?

I can forgive strange things, like Jazz, and Flyers. Those are strange, but they're still good words, and it's no crime to build a team around them. Besides, a lot of the best animals are taken. Even bad animals have been taken. Like Penguins, Frogs, Humpback Whales, and Ducks. Even Bruins. That's a sucky animal, isn't it? Though it's hard to come up with some sort of mascot for a team named Jazz, or Soul, these are at least on the fringes of 'acceptable' names.

I want to make a stand, though, against the Trojans. They lost. Not only did they lose, they lost shamefully, laid low by deceit and drunken revelry. Why name a team after them, and why, oh why, name a condom after them? The walls of Troy were breached, end of story.

The Titans? Good name, but they also lost out, and were locked up for the rest of eternity. The Mules? Let's not even go there.

And Lemmings. I'm serious, there's a college out there. And Nads. Where did you even come up with that?

You think I'm joking. Fine. http://www.smargon.net/nicknames/

The Next

Iron Chef was good, right? It wasn't just my crazed imagination and obsession with Japanese tv and food?

G4 brought over Sasuke, or Ninja Warrior, and isn't it flourishing on these shores? If America cannot find it in it's vast reality craze to do something like Ninja Warrior, then at least I know which show MUST be next in this line of subtitled and/or dubbed imports.

MLS! Starcraft tournaments are big and bad, and they seem exciting enough in Korean, a language I do not speak. If someone like G4 would be kind enough to sub some of this commentary, I, for one, would stay up late nights to watch some matches.

Is Your Brain Tired?

Donate it! Remember, there are thousands upon millions of hungry, orphaned, zombie children out there in desperate need of your generosity!

Do You Know a Pre-Med?

Try this on them.

A common question an interviewer will ask them is 'What is your greatest weakness?'

This is because 100% of pre-med students are ... pre-med-student-like. Their answer is, inevitably, 'I'm a perfectionist. Everything about me just has to be perfect, or I work like insane to make it that way.'

Don't you find that incredibly aggravating? Isn't that the same as saying 'I'm perfect, I have no faults?'

Here's your new reply: 'So, you're saying you constantly strive toward an impossible goal and are faced with the continuing failure of your existence? How's that working out for you?'