Also, I've got to complain about the online episodes. The commercials are probably TWICE as loud as the show! It's enough to blast your ears off.
Roshon: Chelsie, we discover in this video, despite being young, knows nothing about youth culture or hip-hop. It's.... a little embarrassing for young people everywhere, I imagine, and Roshon all but apologizes to those watching at home for witnessing her attempt at rap. Roshon, on the other hand, does some quality beat boxing. Best quote of the video: Chelsie says, "Everything you do needs to be prince-like. How would a prince walk into a ballroom?" And Roshon does his best Prince impersonation. It is pretty good. At any rate, he does pull off a swagger-ific quickstep. Personally it didn't seem super elegant or smooth, but that's why I'm not a judge. The real judges were well-pleased by it. 9-8-9
Sherri: In the video, Sherri takes one look at the jive and says, "My equipment is way too heavy for all that bouncing around." And it certainly looks like an incredible expenditure of effort. But in the real dance, she absolutely works it. Her outfit has the dangly bits, and those have never worked so hard since Kristi Yamaguchi's 100mph jives. Disaster totally struck midway through the dance, when she just... decided not to do the between-the-legs slide. But they recovered well, and the judges loved the sass factor. 8-7-8
Melissa: Check out this picture of Maks. It is pretty funny. Anyway. Rehearsal was amusing, since Maks discovered Melissa cries when she's happy, and Maks has just decided he can't win with the ladies. They bawl if you critique, they bawl if you compliment. As for the dancing, her quickstep seemed polished, though she had a noticeable slip. The judges came down pretty hard, though, not impressed with her slip and posture fall-off due to lack of stamina. Hey, she's kind of older than Roshon, here. Cut the lady some slack. 7-6-7
Jack: I... personally don't know Jack? And if he was once a super-tv-soap-opera heartthrob, he is ... not now? He's a genuine and enthusiastic guy, sure. But he seems a bit stiff to me, and somehow, the judges are fine with that? 7-7-7
Gladys: More of the ballroom showing off, with a glowing keyboard motif on the floor and lighting up as they quick-stepped across it. Fancy. You could see Tristan barking orders the whole time, though - what can I say, it took away a little bit of the romanticism of quickstep, haha. But she's a sophisticated lady, so it looked classy just because of that. Len was a bit gentler than usual (he's a fan, isn't everyone?) but the judges were not terribly impressed with her posture. Brooke asked if Tristan had a harder time because he's the taskmaster for a living legend. He said, "We're all in the same boat, but I have an advantage because when Gladys smiles, everyone smiles." You'd better damn well smile, folks. That is a living legend. 7-5-7. Five!? Really, Len?
Katherine: How does Mark get these partners? Is it the celebrity's choice? Do the dancers fight in-house? Does Mark get first pick because of his pedigree? Sheer competitiveness? Insider trading? Let us look at his history of partners: Kristin Cavallari, Chelsea Kane, Bristol Palin, Shannen Doherty, Melissa Joan Hart, Shawn Johnson (won), Kim Kardashian, Kristi Yamaguchi (won), Sabrina Bryan. Those are some hot ladies. I guess Derek got Nicole Scherzinger. What I mean by this digression is, he gets a lot of naturally gifted and extremely good looking ladies. Kristi Yamaguchi was a pretty easy win, folks. And Katherine is pretty much already a professional dancer. In the video she was shocked at the raunchy level of her Latin dance. "He wants me to shake my naughty bits," she said. And it doesn't look funny right there in text, but trust me, in her British accent, it was hilarious. 9-8-9
Jaleel: I hate to say this about my hero, but Jaleel could stand to lose a few from the mid-section. And I'm sure he will, with the extreme conditioning Kym will put him through. That song, though. Too slow for jive. That wasn't Jaleel or Kym's fault, judges! 7-7-8
Maria: Speaking of matchups, this is another good one. Derek is extreme goof-off, but with a solid dose of overwork at the same time. Anyone who's also of that mindset is a good match for him. Quickstep isn't the time to "bring the sexpot," so that request will have to be tabled for now. Quickstep is, though, one of Derek's real specialties.
Martina: OMG, total disaster. That's twice now, Tony - is it you?!? 6-5-6
Donald: Things we found out about Donald today: he's goofier than you knew. Also, he's capable of gentlemanly dancing. Still perhaps a touch rushy in his eagerness, but as Carrie Ann says, Donald's years of watching DWTS is paying off. His emphasis on hold was solid. And here's a first: Len said he went back and rewatched the video from last week, and he told Donald he "undermarked" him last week. That was an upstanding thing to do, Len. 8-8-8
Gavin: Some people, new to DWTS, may think that musicians have an unfair advantage, being knowledgeable about rhythm and beats, but that is not really true. Some musicians know all about performance and music, but don't have the physical training and full control over the movement of their body. The advantage that athletes and actors have is the instinct to see someone move their body in a certain way, and then be able to remember and replicate that in performance. Sorry, Gavin, don't mean to pick on you. 7-7-7
William: Cheryl knows how to work it. "The higher our scores, Bruno, the more the clothes are coming off." She also busted out her BFF in the world: Quickstep posture bar. But, DWTS! Quickstep doesn't allow William to go shirtless! Who cares? Not the ladies in the DWTS audience, of course. It's deafening in there everytime he's in sight. 9-7-9
