The Sing-Off 1-2

They spoke to the judges at the opening for a bit, seems like mostly to explain why they'd let go of Cat's Pajamas (who were technically pretty perfect) and keep Kin9 (who had some bobbles) in not so many words. You were great, Cat's Pajamas, much love.

The Dartmouth Aires have a ton of dudes, and they all seem pretty silly. But they demonstrated a solid music-group background, with volume and key changes all smoothly done as a group. Song, "Higher Ground" isn't my favorite, but it keeps the beat and excitement moving, and had an effective climax.

Pentatonix also sang a song that's not my favorite: "E.T." They started with a fun choral rendition before busting out their amazing bass and beatboxer. Seriously, he's amazing. Like, after they were done the other groups had their hands over their mouths, and some were probably thinking "we'd win if we had this guy, too."

(Quick aside, if I did not say so last week - Sarah is not a very good judge. She says she used to watch the show from her couch, and her comments are still the 'on the couch' variety: kind of vague and unhelpful.)

Messiah's Men is from Minneapolis, but really they are from Liberia? They say there's a strong Liberian refugee population in Minneapolis (Nan: Librarians?). Their bass is so low as to rattle your ears, but their song was very slow.

Sonos does some touring and put out a few records (this kind of experience in performance did not work out well for Cat's Pajamas). They usually use an electronic sound board to augment their voices and give their performance a techno kind of feel, but they won't here, because it's of course against the rules. They sang "Wicked Game," and showed that their bass and beatboxer could work wonders with just microphones, but that the three front ladies are not the epic lead needed here. Oddly, Sarah knows one of the guys in the group - used to sing with him in college. Is she going to be unbiased in the voting? America decides the winner, but the judges pick right now, and it's probably between Messiah's Men and Sonos to leave immediately.

And it's Sonos that's saved. Hope she doesn't get backlash. I don't think Messiah's Men has musical training, and the other three groups really showed theirs off. If they didn't have training, they are absolutely astounding, but it's difficult to compete on this level without it.

The Collective is from Nashville, but more importantly, it's headed by the runner-up country guy from last season who was amazing. He seems to have cobbled together a bunch of individual singers struggling to make it in Nashville, so I'm not sure how well this is going to work, since almost none of them have acapella experience. They sang "Rolling in the Deep," which seems like a song you don't want to mess with, since it's already a powerhouse, but they girl they chose for lead has a very distinct, somewhat strange, style of singing. Not bad, but different. The arrangement was well arranged, though, I bet I have my Season 2 buddy to thank for that.

Soul'd Out is a high school group from a small town. When asked, they say: "we're basically the real-life Glee". They ought to get royalties from that show. Is this a special high school? I don't know if my high school had this kind of talent. Listening to them in the video segment do a little bit of "Party in the USA," they seemed alright, but their choice to do "Age of Aquarius" and "Let the Sun Shine" was kind of awful. The chorus is intricate and ended up being too overpowering over the somewhat tinny soprano leads. The male lead started to show off some really good stuff, but again got drowned out by a screechy background.

North Shore is a group of 5 older guys that are the quintessential Jersey 'fellas'. They're pretty much the Sopranos. Only.... more Glee. That is an amazing show concept. Patent it. They are the more traditional barbershop style of group, they never fare well in this particular competition? They've been performing professionally for forever, but they say that the gigs are pretty much running dry of late. I don't know about you guys, but I've heard "Runaround Sue" a hundred times. Audience seemed to be impressed. They do have tremendous group synergy and performance experience, and that shows.

The Deltones are a larger group from the University of Delaware. The spent most of their video segment talking about emotions, but as they didn't spend any time explaining who they were, it was mostly lost. They sang so many different pieces of songs in the video segment, but picked "Feels Like Home" to perform on stage, which lacks any sort of excitement value. It was pretty much the one girl, and everyone else's part was supportive, yet fade to the background.

(Unfortunate for Messiah's Men, because I would have preferred them to any of these. They got put in the wrong group of four.)

As maybe we expected, Soul'd Out is eliminated.

DWTS: Week 2

Hope Solo kicks off the week with awesome shoes and incredibly tight pants. But her moves are way too small and constricted to be considered 'dancing', and she lost the music at some point (great song, Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend", maybe it was too fast). Maybe she didn't get enough practice time, flying to Portland and playing a soccer game? Usually Maks is more a disciplinarian. Judges thought that, too. (6-7-6)

Next up is Kristin Cavallari, and I don't know her at all, but I know Mark Ballas (isn't that odd? That the dancers are more celebrities at this point?) and I know Mark's going to bring it, no matter who his partner is. She looked the part (of Marilyn Monroe dancing to "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend") but she needs to over-do her moves just a bit more - more fling, more back arch, more snap to the big arms. Best part? Great smile, completely fixed on her face. It hides any nerves she may have had this week. (8-7-7)

I want to root for David Arquette. Nobody deserves to feel successful like a recovering addict, but as much as I want to see him and think "Scream," or all the things I thought he was, all I see is 'recovering addict'. Addiction has ruined his muscle control, and apparently his rhythm, and his memory? Like I said, I want to see him succeed, of course, but I don't see the man I thought he was. (6-6-6)

In the video segment for Elisabetta Canalis, there's a lot of strife between her and Val Chmerkovskiy (Maks's little brother, remember?). She's so very Italian (wants to cruise on her good looks and 'Ciaoooo'), and he's so very Russian (WORK). How could there not be fireworks? As for her dancing, her footwork and memory are not the best, but she's got natural musicality and her posture and lines are consistently good. From modeling? Brooke has a hard time interviewing her after the dance because she fumbles with the language. (7-7-7)

Rob Kardashian is super honest, actually (I don't watch the show, so I don't know him at all). He readily confesses that he is embarrassed about his man-boobs and weight, and hanging out with these ultra-sexy dancers all week is not really helping his confidence. Don't you think that'd be hard to say in front of the camera? I suppose he has 'reality-cam confession' experience, and knows how to be candid. Luckily he has Cheryl, and she's a good counselor as well as motivator, on top of an excellent dancer and choreographer. She'll whip him into shape, given enough weeks, trust me. Carrie Ann flat out said he was "a better dancer than Kim Kardashian," end quote. Anyway, Rob, you'll always be thinner than Chaz Bono, don't be too disheartened. (7-7-7)

Carson Kressley is my favorite, which is unusual. Usually it's easier to root for contenders. But he's so happy to be on the floor he's a joy to watch, if a bit of a footwork disaster. Anna says he works really hard, which is big praise from Anna, who's a genuine Russian taskmaster. I've seen her crack the whip on the likes of Jerry Rice, Chuck Liddell, Evan Lysacek, Kurt Warner, and Sugar Ray-freakin'-Leonard. These are dudes who are not shy about hard work. Anyway, "wobbly" seemed to be the best suited term for that quickstep. (6-6-6)

Speaking of taskmasters, Derek Hough is back. He pretty much treats everyone like they're a ballroom dancing professional and runs ramshod over any objections to the contrary. He's probably my age, doesn't remember Ricki Lake at all. Just another pro partner for him. I had a hard time assessing the dance, because she was in an incredibly distracting outfit for someone of her.... size. I mean, I respect a larger lady, but it was all skin colored and.... very tight. Yeah. I didn't see much of what was going on besides that hot pink fringe. (8-7-8)

Chaz Bono, as expected, is having problems with his joints. We learned this with the Woz, and some diverse others. Lacey tried to accommodate, and it was kind of the slowest quickstep ever. (6-5-6)

Chynna, I don't really know either, but she must be older, and has the body of a 20 year old, somehow. She was a singer, they tell me, and musicality counts for so much in this game. You know what, the "body of a 20 year old" thing also counts for a ton. Married to Billy Baldwin, not so much. I hate to throw Tony Dovolani under the bus here, but his choreography sometimes is the problem... (7-7-7)

Nancy Grace had some kind of emotional breakdown? Breakthrough? She was saying something in the video segment about 'finally having a partner she can count on'. Regardless. Unlike athletes and models, lawyers are not really accustomed to full articulated control over their entire bodies, but musicality seems to be there. Len loved it because, unlike all the other quicksteps, it was traditional, but you know Carrie Ann was looking for more flash. (6-8-7)

J.R. Martinez continues to prove he's extra-multi-talented by delivering a spot-on and entertaining dance to "Jump, Jive, and Wail" which seems a little fortunate, since the beat is perfect. There was a lift, which did not sit well with Carrie Ann, but it was the only one so far, so it should be good for garnering the fan vote. It also apparently contained too much Lindy Hop for Len, who is extremely irritable at this point in the evening, it seems. (7-7-8)

---------

Elisabetta was eliminated at the results show.

Jesse Holley

I was kind of joking when I said it deserves a movie, but then I remembered, I watched "Invincible".

This is actually a way better story than that one.

BQBL: Week 3 Scores

• Nan: 78
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 16
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 23
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: 13
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 26

He won again? It's kind of not fair that two of his teams played each other on a Slip and Slide...

• Alison: 53
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: 20
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 27, Mike Kafka: 27
• Browns - Colt McCoy: -2
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: -19

Eagles and Cowboys turn out to be solid picks. Even if the passer himself has a good week, they get hurt, and have a ton of sportscenter highlights. That's two weeks in a row she's gotten points outside of gameday from the Cowboys - last week for an official vote of confidence from the coach (10 points) and this week for an argument on the sidelines replayed on sportscenter repeatedly (15 points). Mike Vick almost threw his offensive line under the bus (I would have, they're terrible), but instead he put the spotlight on the referees not giving him the 'roughing the passer' calls. Cool your ire, Trent Dilfer, at least he didn't complain about his terrible offensive line or coaching staff, which are the real problems here.

• Me: 45
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 10
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: -11
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 10
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: 36

You're killing me, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Need I recite your QB history to you? First, you don't need any make-up to play a Geico Cavemen, you've floated around the worst teams in the league as a backup for six or seven years, and you started your career with the Bills throwing more interceptions that touchdowns. I need us to get back to that place, Ryan. Not out-dueling Tom Brady in a massive come-from-behind divisional shootout. I get it, Buffalo needs something to cheer for, those guys seem like nice fans. But that's enough, now. You can go back to being Ryan Fitzpatrick. One more week of this, and I'm going to suspect a "Freaky Friday" body switch between you and Brady. I'm on to you, Ryan Fitzpatrick.

• Rob: 73
• Dolphins -Chad Henne: 5
• Raiders - Jason Campbell: 16
• Broncos - Kyle Orton: 16
• Colts - Kerry Collins: 36

Let's talk BQBs. The Raiders. Sixteen points for you this week, after a miserable success story last week.

Jason Campbell is a solid pick in this league. But I'm expecting him to have a breakout game sometime soon.

And the Dolphins?

Somewhat disappointing... but I know things will get worse sooner rather than later. There's talk of Sparano being on the 'hot seat' already.

And the Colts. The news of Peyton being out long-term and Kerry Collin's concussion must be really exciting for you. Have you heard of the supplemental BQBL rules concerning Jamarcus Russell?

Wow, no I had not! That is awesome news! I mean, if they dug out Collins, Russel could be on their radar. It is desperate times in Indy.

• Xian: 11
• Texans - Matt Schaub: -9
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: 6
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: -7
• Seahawks - Tarvaris Jackson: 21

Even with the extra 10 points from Seattle for a 'vote of confidence' during the week, the Ravens and Texans let Xian down.

• GOOD QB NPC: 55
• Patriots - Tom Brady: 37
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 22
• Saints - Drew Brees: -4
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -0
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 14
• Giants - Eli Manning: -10
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 21
• Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: 12
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: -9
• BAD QB NPC: 45
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: -1
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 6
• Vikings - Donovan McNabb: 22
• Rams - Sam Bradford: 18

WTF, Tom Brady!

BQBL: Week 3, Recap

I can't speak for other games and other players in the league this week, being too devastated by the Bills, NOT being who I THOUGHT they were! And the Patriots, apparently.

But it was another exciting week for being a Cowboys fan, as usual. Rob was impressed by how stressful, how close, how nail-biting every moment was. I told him this is the norm.

Fenton's Creamery

This has got to be the most massively overpriced eatery ever, and remember, I've just been to Las Vegas. 15 bucks for a tiny crab sandwich that's made out of canned crab? 2 extra bucks for really poorly made curly fries? 11 bucks for an appetizer? This is crazy criminal. The sandwiches come standard with 'chips and pickles' - plain chips out of a bag, and somewhat funny-tasting pickles. This is the kind of low quality food I can get in a campus cafeteria; I'm not thrilled about eating it on campus, but at least it's cheap student food. The very idea that it's priced at 12+ dollars per sandwich is pretty much offensive. Their food is outright poorly constructed, and their ice cream is just not that special. Think about it. For 15 bucks, you can buy three jugs of high quality ice cream and create the biggest sundae this side of God. You do not need Fentons to put it in a tiny dish and then claim they're giving you "huge" scoops.

The place was packed, and it's arranged as you'd expect a creamery to be arranged, and therefore, there's absolutely no sound barriers. My throat is hoarse this morning from having to shout to be heard all night, and singing happy birthday to other patrons no less than 4 times in one hour? I felt like I was working harder than the servers.

Fenton's must be another California dream like In and Out. It's like they've never had real, home made ice cream, and the taste of 'just okay' ice cream just impresses the heck out of them and it develops a wholly undeserved reputation. Look, guys. You can get real ice cream for less than half of that price. You can make your own concoction for less than half of that price. The crowds, the atmosphere, the endless fake birthdays, no amount of ice cream can be worth that. And especially not a $15 dollar ice cream.

BQBL: Week 3, Early Games

First and foremost, BQBL is great for me. Living in the Bay Area, you're forced, week to week, to watch not only the San Francisco game, but the Oakland game as well! Right now, I'm staring morosely at 49ers vs. Bengals, while the rest of the country watches Eagles vs. Giants. This year, though, I can patiently sit through this game, since I have stakes in it - I own both these teams in the BQBL! Quick, Michael Crabtree! Go down again!

Also, I hope I get points at the end of the season if I win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

BQBL: Week 3 Scouting Report

- The Broncos (rob) and 49ers (me) both are West Coast teams that travel to the East to play early Sunday games, always good for some sleepy early-game fumbling around. It’s 10am PST when they start the game, meaning players need to be awake at upwards of 5 or 6am to get started, and I barely muster the alarm clock to even be awake to watch at 10am.

- ESPN released a new QB rating system recently that they call the Total QBR. You can check out week 2's numbers here. It's better than the original quarterback rating because it's got a reasonable scale: max is 100, average is 50. By scoring an 80, you can expect that quarterback to have been better than 80% of QBs out there for that week. You'll see Tony Romo at 94 (you get bonus weighting if your quarterbacking was especially clutch) and Luke McCown at the bottom with 0.4 (!). Some unexpected fellows are at the top with Tony and Tom Brady, like Ryan Fitzpatrick (shakes fist) and Jason Campbell...

- The Redskin’s defenders have mentioned that they will be purposefully targeting injuries on the various Cowboy’s players in their upcoming Monday night tilt. It’s nothing new, though it’s not exactly polite to make those kinds of intentions public. Though Tony Romo appears to have been fitted for a bullet-proof vest, I'm sure Alison is crossing her fingers for a return of John Kitna. A lot of the offense is hurting and may be in the infirmary at gametime, which is good news for Alison, bad news for the rest of us. About the only place the Cowboys are NOT short on manpower is the defensive front line, which will hopefully ruin Rex Grossman's day and bolster my BQBL points.

- Why didn’t any of us take the Bears! There’s been plenty of talk this week about how very many times Jay Cutler has been sacked and under pressure before throws, and when asked directly if he could even survive the season at this rate, he shook his head, “I don’t think so”. Not sure if that’s going to count for points in the ‘throwing your offensive line under the bus’ category, but things are getting bad - it could be just a matter of time. They replayed some highlights of the worst sacks in the past two games, and sometimes they’re just standing there, looking around while a rusher comes off untouched on the edge, straight at Cutler; it looks like they just plain have no interest in defending him. I wouldn’t either, he’s kind of a jerk. Are things going to meltdown for Chicago? Could we possibly see an upswing in the “You’re unBEARable” meme?

- There was actually an entire segment this week about how the Bills are “undefeated” and “really looking good” these past two weeks, putting up strong numbers that have been on par with Brady and the Patriots. They talked about how great they’re doing with unknown players like Fitzpatrick and uh... what’s his name runner and uh... what’s his name receiver. Look, I wasn’t trying to learn their names, I was thinking that these two games have been against the Chiefs and the Raiders. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. If the Bills’ season plays out how I envision it (since I have them on my BQBL roster) Sportscenter ought to be downright embarrassed later in the season to have showcased these dudes. Or maybe they were just trying to get in as much positive press for such a downtrodden franchise before they played the Patriots and got bloodied up. But let’s still face facts. As Marcellus Wiley said, “Sunday afternoon, the Bills will have 11 men on the field, and the Patriots will have 10 men and 1 machine named Tom Brady”. Though the Patriots pass defense has been somewhat suspect this season, I fully expect them to run over Buffalo like a herd of stampeding... no, it's too easy. Wildebeasts, then. Rhinos, maybe. Regardless, we'll be rooting for you this Sunday, Evil Team Evil.

BQBL: Week 2 Midweek Interview

Like any full-time sports reporting network, I’m out there, bringing you the news and buzz from around the BQB League. Only, with less of a budget. And maybe less staff. Okay, it’s nothing like the real thing.

Alright, Nan. Serious Interview Time. *gets out the thumbscrews*
Yes. Look at me. Seriousface.

Now. Your team. 211 points.
Is it cumulative through the season?

No, otherwise you probably would have it won already.
Well that sucks. I don’t think they’re going to bench those guys twice in one season.

That would be incredibly stupid, yes. And you don’t have much to hope for from the Panthers, the way that rookie Cam Newton is lighting fools up week after week.
Sure I do. I can wish for him to break a leg, and I also expect him to be stabbed by a stripper.

… Is this like Babe Ruth, pointing at the stands for a home run?
*makes the pose*

BQBL: Week 2 Scores

• Nan: a whopping total of 211! Can he expect these kinds of results every week?!?!
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 15
• Jaguars - Luke McCown: 89.5, Blaine Gabbert: 8.5
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: 93 (apparently, he was benched for Tyler Palko)
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 15

And now, for an interview with this week's leader.
Nan, you've smashed the competition. Tell us how you feel.
I've bought too much fruit.
No, the league, sir. About quarterbacks.
I just went to Berkeley Bowl, and shit, we have a lot of fruit. Look at these strawberries!
A statement, sir, please!
THUNDERCATS, HOOOOO!
Nan!
Have a grape. I think one of the main problems is that I shop with this fruit basket in mind. What will look good in my fruit basket, I ask myself, and now we have fifteen limes. What am I going to do with all these limes.
*chokes on grape in rage*

• Alison: 13, an unexpectedly bad week of overachieving! If it weren’t for Vick being loose with the ball, she might’ve ended up with negative points!
• Cowboys - John Kitna: 1.5, Tony Romo: -8.5
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 26, Mike Kafka: -3
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 2
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: -5

• Me: 13, a tie with Alison!
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 10
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: -2
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 11
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: -6

How dare you, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Andy Dalton! How can you be doing this to me? Andy Dalton has been a Bengal for only 8 more weeks than I have, and Ryan Fitzpatrick just sounds like some kind of Lucky Charm marshmallow. And I would have had way more points out of Alex Smith if his grip on the ball wasn’t so remarkably sticky! I may be in the basement this week, but I saw some promising things out there, and I hope to come back. But Nan got big points for QB benchings, looks like that’s where the real money’s at! I’ve missed the boat!

• Rob: 57
• Dolphins -Chad Henne: 16
• Raiders - Jason Campbell: -6
• Broncos - Kyle Orton: 21
• Colts - Kerry Collins: 26

Tell us about your team's performance this week, Rob.

Obviously, I was extremely disappointed with the Raiders. I can only hope that Campbell stops pretending he's good. I also think Kerry Collins should ponder retirement and really just give Painter a chance. A chance to prove that he's learned nothing these past years that he's been backing Peyton. The problem with the Colts this season is that their division is not THAT great, so I am really counting on them to suck especially hard.

Any words of encouragement for Chad Henne?

Hang in there, dont' give up. The coach will take you out when he thinks it's time. And don't get hurt. I need you benched, not IRed.

• Xian: 49
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 0
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: 0
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 23
• Seahawks - Tarvaris Jackson: 26

A statement, please.

All I can say is, I'm quite proud of the Seahawks. They are a true inspiration to the common man: you can be so bad at your job, and still get paid quite well.

Thanks for your time. And vitriol.

• GOOD QB NPC: -10
• Patriots - Tom Brady: -17
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 18
• Saints - Drew Brees: -5
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -6
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 34
• Giants - Eli Manning: 5
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 6
• Cardinals - Kevin Kolb: 7
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 16
• BAD QB NPC: 15
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: -4
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 10
• Vikings - Donovan McNabb: 10
• Rams - Sam Bradford: -1

I knew I should have put the Jets in the Bad League!

BQBL: Week 2 Recap

Welcome to the Recap of Sunday's games, exaggerated to increase Hollywood drama-factor by yours truly for your entertainment. Actual scores to come on Tuesday, or whenever the website we're using posts official numbers. In an interesting sideline, Grantland.com also has a "fantasy fantasy football league" where it ranks the so-called 'experts' from sites like nfl.com and espn.com on how well their fantasy picks worked out week to week. Talk about your meta-game!

BILLS (me) vs RAIDERS (rob)
In what might be a recurring theme for all of us at the start of the BQBL, people that were deliberately chosen to be underachievers significantly overachieved this week. For shame, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Jason Campbell! We expected you to be bad! Do you know where Ryan Fitzpatrick is from? Harvard. That is why I picked him. And the Bills are really bad, too. So when it was 21-3 in favor of the Raiders at halftime and Fitzpatrick hadn’t so much as sniffed the scoring side of the field, I was quite relieved and went back to sleep (it was still like 10am). I woke up to frantic shouts from the announcers that this game was “a nail biter” and “really heating up” - lo and behold, the Bills had scored on every second half possession to make it a 24-21 game. After a few more back-and-forths that had me wincing for my BQBL points (and Rob's) it was 35-31 with Oakland up, but the Bills had the ball with under 4 minutes to go and hurrying for a TD, as if they were some kind of competent team that wanted to win! How offensive. At any rate, they did get a touchdown, and it may count as -12 points for me, for Fitzpatrick leading a game-winning last minute drive for a TD. There was a little time left, so I crossed my fingers and hoped that those negative 12 points would go to Rob, on the off chance Jason Campbell could get his act (and team) together for his own game-winning TD drive at the last minute, but alas. Campbell turned out to be the more genuine failure. At least for today.

LIONS (alison) vs. CHIEFS (nan)
Grim tidings for Alison’s pick here. I thought she was on to something by picking cities full of hopelessness, but then again, maybe there’s nothing left to lose in Detroit (get it?!), and nothing left to live for except winning, because Matthew Stafford threw for nearly 300 yards and 4 touchdowns. Nan, on the other hand, seems to have found a sleeper pick in Matt Cassel, who threw for no touchdowns and 3 interceptions, in a hilarious 48-3 rout of the Kansas City Chiefs.

RAVENS (xian) vs. TITANS (bqb-npc)
I thought for sure Xian was crazy for picking the Ravens after they dismantled the Steelers in Week 1, but they appear to have forgotten there was the rest of the season still to be played, because they got smeared by the Tennessee Titans. It may have been a ‘hangover’ week, but Flacco was less than 50% completion with 2 interceptions and 1 TD.

BROWNS (alison) vs. COLTS (rob)
A fair to middlin’ game for both QBs, nothing to write home about, doesn’t look there’s anything fancy that will net big points for either side, but you may both take heart in the fact that you were both playing against pretty soft defenses. Once you play against a good team, I’m sure interceptions will pick up and fumbles will be extra costly. On the bright side for Rob, things in Indiana look to be getting fairly ugly for Kerry Collins - there may (somehow) be calls for Curtis Painter to take the field?

BUCCANEERS (nan) vs VIKINGS (bqb-npc)
Why didn’t I pick the Vikings? That’s the second collapse in two weeks, although McNabb’s numbers are markedly better than last weeks, so that means fewer points in the BQBL. Still, the Buc’s were toast at the half, 17-0 and outmanned and outgunned at every turn. They just weren’t intimidated by the likes of McNabb and the Purple Dudes with Big White Horns and laughed their way to victory in the second half. Josh Freeman had an interception, but overall, it looks like it’s going to be negative points for Nan.

JAGUARS (nan) vs. JETS (mqb-npc)
This, is where Nan is going to make money. My friends, we have our first QB Benching! Cheers all around, and congrats, Nan. Luke McCown was so bad that he was actually benched in the forth quarter after putting up only 59 yards and 4 interceptions. Blaine Gabbart, can you believe it! Second game of the season! It’s shaping up to be a miserable year for the Jaguars, and subsequently, a great pick for Nan.

SEAHAWKS (xian) vs. STEELERS (xian)
Tavaris Jackson had another unproductive day, managing a grand total of Zero Points, but Xian may offset himself by the Steelers having a solid roll-face of a completely inferior team.

CARDINALS (mqb-npc) vs. REDSKINS (me)
I picked Sexy Rexy (Rex Grossman) because of some epic 5-interception days that he used to have when he played for the Bears. The man is a meltdown waiting to happen. But no, he fails me once again with a solid day and only 2 interceptions. Cowboys play him next week - we’re banged up, but our pass rush is still solid, and Rexy should pretty much pee his little red spandex when he sees DeMarcus Ware coming at him, carrying half of his offensive line on his back.

PACKERS (gqb-npc) vs PANTHERS (nan)
Nan offsets his Jaguars pick with a Panthers pick that is looking bad for him in the first two weeks. I didn’t believe in Cam Newton either, but that’s two weeks in a row that the rookie #1 draft pick, Heisman winner has thrown for over 400 yards. But also 3 interceptions, maybe that will even things out a bit. I chalk it up to Nan not remember which ‘cat-mascot’ team was which, and just taking them both.

BENGALS (me) vs. BRONCOS (rob)
Another matchup between me and rob, and another pair of letdowns. The Bengals have been affectionately termed ‘the Bungles’ for many years now, and the Broncos have melted down at least three separate times in maybe less than two years. They were hot picks in the BQBL to say the least. There was an article in ESPN about how the Bengals were the worst-run team in the league, they’re constantly last in the power rankings, they’re starting a half-injured, red-headed QB that no one knows, and they’ve easily broken the record for most number of arrests on one roster - how could the Bengals not be powerhouses in any negative league?! Apparently, Andy Dalton can have a decent QB day while the rest of his team sucks, and poor coaching decisions lead to losing games. I mean, if it were a Bad Football Team League, I’d have this locked up and we could all go home, but Andy Dalton, I demand you stop overachieving from an impossible position right this instant. As for Rob, would you believe that the Broncos have been so devastated by the injury bug that they did, in fact, put Tim Tebow on the field - as a wide reciever?

TEXANS (xian) vs. DOLPHINS (rob)
Both teams have very middlin’ QBs and excellent runners, but they both also have very flashy wide receivers, so it’s going to be week to week with these teams. Basically, if a team is too dumb to double-cover the super-receiver (miami) the other team (houston) is going to have a great passing day. Sorry, Xian. I’m sure other teams are not as dumb at the Dolphins. As for Rob, the Texan defense may look dough-ish with Wade Philips at the helm, but he knows his defense. 1 INT, less than 50% passing completion, you’re off to a good start with Chad Henne, and the Dolphins open 0-2 at home. Calls for Matt Moore may be imminent!

EAGLES (alison) vs. FALCONS (mqb-npc)
There were a lot of turnovers, fumbles, interceptions, and Michael Vick got smashed in the face, but concussions no longer get you points in the BQBL! Vick had racked up over 300 yards and two passing TDs before leaving the game, and they didn’t put in Vince Young! The backup’s name was Kraft, and he was actually plenty accurate, so even though Vick is likely out for next week, we won’t know how they will perform just yet. Seems Vince Young is somewhat injured! I’m sure Alison will be biting her nails, hoping that Young will be better enough by next Sunday to make a mess out of the Eagle’s season. I’m hoping for it too, of course.

CHARGERS (gqb-npc) vs. PATRIOTS (gqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams, and good for us, because Christ on a Crutch, those two can throw. Brady racked up another 400+ passing yard day with three TD’s. Both he and Rivers should probably just go into modeling and leave the rest of us alone. We’re trying to win, here!

COWBOYS (alison) vs. 49ERS (me)
And now, we come to the epic game of the week. And when I say epic, I mean Hollywood. Maybe even Bollywood. Someone, somewhere, is going to make a movie out of this, just you wait and see.
Down 14-0 and nearing half time, things were looking bad for Dallas. Like, “what are you guys doing out there” bad. But a lucky break let Miles Austin into the end zone to make it 14-7 at the half. Coming out of the halftime break, Tony was grimacing, but heading out onto the field, when a someone from the medical staff stunned him with a tranquilizer and the crew dragged him back to the locker room for a CT scan (that was a lie, but he was super angry when they marched him off the field, so I shall embellish). The official word came out that he had fractured his ribs on the third play of the game, the medical staff was very angry with him for not telling them (that part’s a lie too, but I like to imagine), and was grounded for the remainder of the game. John Kitna was in. Alison’s hopes soared as Kitna threw into a wide open endzone to a dude in red. That is not a Cowboy’s color, John Kitna, just for your future reference. The guy you wanted to throw to? He was almost 15 yards to the right, and wearing white. Blown opportunity to even up the score. Luckily, Alex Smith can do nothing with it, and Kitna manages to get it to Miles Austin for another TD - remember, our other wide reciever, Dez Bryant, is out with injury for the whole game. But, after Kitna throws his second interception of the third quarter and the 49ers go up 21-14, you see Tony back on the sidelines, demanding of people where they put his helmet. “We put it in the trash, Tony. You’re supposed to be dead.” I like to imagine that if someone went back to the x-ray room at that point, they’d find all the medical staff, ninja’d to unconsciousness. “SOMEONE GIVE ME A HELMET,” you could see him roaring on the sidelines - rather, mouthing very loudly, because apparently he could not take a full breath during the course of the game, “I HAVE A GAME TO WIN”. Perhaps, in the movie version, he could also overturn a table, because I like that meme.
At any rate, down 24-14 (after some strange coaching decisions by San Francisco that will surely come back to haunt them in a Monday hangover) in the fourth quarter, Miles Austin makes an amazing, one-of-a-kind, unbelievable dive for a TD that speaks of a superhuman level of body control, and possibly an extreme level of desperation. For real, gravity said: “you’re going down at the 5 yard line” and Miles said: “Eff you, gravity, I’m going in for a touchdown, and no mere law of the universe is going to stop me.” Of course, he kind of hurt himself and we may lose him for two weeks. But he got the touchdown. I’m sure, in the movie, they’ll cart him off and he’ll give the team a thumbs up as he gets wheeled away. Didn’t you watch The Replacements?
So. Dez Bryant out, Miles Austin out. We’ve got no one left. Time to put in that one guy, that’s on the roster because Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin had a reality show and the winner got to go to training camp and Jerry kind of has a personal stake in this guy (me too - I watched that show). Jesse Holley. The special team / practice squad guy who totally failed me last week by being half-responsible for that blocked punt that lost us the game. On the sidelines, a camera catches Tony grabbing Jesse by the shoulder pad and turning him around. Tony looks him straight in the eye and appears to give him some grave advice, I hope along the lines of “it is Legendary Redemption Time for both you and me. Neither of us was drafted, nobody ever thought we could be anything in this league, and both of us effed up royally last game. If we’re going to get through this, we’re going to get through this together, because we are all that’s left of this team and everyone is counting on us. Also, I have a fractured rib and potentially a collapsed lung. But we won’t let the others have died in vain - ARE YOU WITH ME, SOLDIER?” Unfortunately for my imagination, it was probably something a lot more mundane and reasonable, like: “you’re not going to be able to hear me in the huddle because I can’t take a full breath to yell over the crowd noise, but I want you to run a fade route and be ready to catch the ball.” Naturally Alison will probably not get points for this in the BQBL, because while it is replayed a lot on Sportscenter, it’s always followed by clips of epically heroic football from both Jesse Holley and Tony Romo (and Jason Witten!) to rally from down 10 points to win the game in overtime.

RAMS (bqb-npc) vs GIANTS (mqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams. Whatever, Rams and Giants.