DWTS: Week 10

This is it. Finale time!

Ricki Lake

Carrie Ann worked with Ricki this week, and she mentioned something that clarified Ricki's performance for me: Ricki is still acting like she's the fat girl in the back of the class, despite nice technique and rapidly slimming figure. It is Take Charge and Be Sexy Time - double underline, bold and italics. Her cha-cha was very technical, with the occasional focus on increased sexiness. Her legs look great, like I said last week. 9-9-9

Ricki's freestyle was super sexy. Mostly Derek's choreography, as usual. He drove her like a madman in the video, and she just accepted his crazy lifts and gutted it out. Her outfit kind of makes her look like an ostrich, and it must have been too tight because she couldn't shimmy with vigor. Her ending pose was wobbly because Derek gave her several deadly spins. Derek's plan seems to be to blow away the competition with extreme technique, because this dance was jam packed with everything from salsa to quickstep, all at a death-defying pace. 9-9-9

Rob Kardashian

Is it time for this dark horse to steal the trophy? Bruno worked with Rob, and also gave him some pointers on coming out of his shell and dominating the dancefloor. Rob's waltz was really nice, but at times he still has a touch of non-smoothness in it. And can someone tell me WHY Kim is wearing a sparkly tuxedo in the audience? Bruno said Rob missed some crossover footwork. 9-9-9

Cheryl's plan is to play up chemistry and youth, and do some amazing lifts. She used all the moves that Rob looks best doing, and none of the moves he doesn't look good doing. She's a master, honestly. I may have said that before. I didn't think their routine was more technically difficult than Ricki and Derek's (except for lifts, I suppose) but they netted a 10-10-10. It's all about showmanship, I guess, with the judges as well as with the tv audience!

JR Martinez

Len came in to give JR some tips, and it's a good thing Len was reserved for JR - he can't give as much visual demonstration, but can nitpick on subtle techniques. The other two need the visual demonstration in order to see the difference between meek and LOUD. Something odd happened in their cha-cha, like one of them got off beat, but at least his ankle seems to be doing better. 8-7-9

Karina had a weird moment during the last rehearsal that they showed on the video where she could not get her act together, and JR had to be the one to calm her down. Obviously it was that she was wearing too many clothes - during the real performance, she was wearing a bra and a small skirt, that they decided was JUST TOO MUCH! so they ripped it away. Oh Karina. What would the world do without you and Edyta. You're like a super dancing action figure, with JR flipping you around. It was very party / tribal and those lifts were amazing, but if I had to make one complaint, it was that this dance was all Karina, and not so much JR. Gotta give her appropriate props, though. She wants to win this. 10-10-10

Results Show

They gave them some more points during the results show for doing a repeat dance (kind of superfluous), putting Ricki in first by a few points.

Drumroll.....

Third place goes to Ricki. Guess she didn't garner the fan vote - lack of a feel-good storyline, like the other two. Sorry, Ricki! You did good, of course! Not everyone can have a soft-spot-stabbing story like Cinderella Rob and Veteran Hero JR.

While the final two prepare an instant dance each, all the stars who have been kicked off came back - and this time, not just to repeat old dances! I shall envision the conversations that were held:

DWTS: Carson Kressley, please come back and dance on the finale!

Carson: Can I dance to "Vogue" by Madonna? It's been my dreeeeeeeam for yeeeeears.

DWTS: Why of course, Carson. Yaaaaaay it's going to be so fun clap-clap wheeeee

Carson: Can I dance with a Chmerkovskiy? That has been my other dream.

DWTS: Um... sure, Carson! Why not!

Carson: This is going to be amazing. Stay tuned, America, this is going to be watercooler talk tomorrow!

He actually said that last bit. And then Tom said, "I get the feeling this next dance is going to go viral in about three minutes..." Afterwards, during the standing ovation, Brooke just looked around and said "what... is happening... right now..." over the noise. It was pretty amazing. In that special way only Carson has.

Chaz danced to "I Like 'em Chunky" from Madagascar 2, with Lacey and her dad Buzz. Awesome.

David Arquette re-imagined his dance to "We Go Together" with 6 extra people, also. And then he stole the mirror ball trophy and made a break for it. So as you can see, we are all having a good time.

Ok. There was an instant samba, but that's not important now - real drumroll, again...

Winner: JR and Karina!

BQBL: Week 12 Scores

Another good week for the real fan - the Cowboys squeaked a win, and the rest of the NFC lost horribly. Except the Redskins, but they were playing the Seahawks. I did less well in BQBL, but at least I edged Rob!

• Nan: 126
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 0
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 48, Luke McCown: 8
• Chiefs - Tyler Palko: 52
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 18

Whew, the two top scorers were just about all he needed this week. Let's look at the weeks to come for his teams:

Jaguars: Chargers, Bucs, Falcons, Titans, Colts

Panthers: Bucs, Falcons, Texans, Bucs, Saints

Bucs: Panthers, Jaguars, Cowboys, Panthers, Falcons

Chiefs: Bears, Jets, Packers, Raiders, Broncos

• Alison: 58
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: 8
• Eagles - Vince Young: -7
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 18
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: 39

I lied last week about Vince Young! He threw for 400 yards this week and one interception. But he's still the only QB in my history to have been on suicide watch, and that's got to count for something in non-game-day points. This is what remains for Alison, and I think we can solidly expect the Browns to start contributing big points, with 4 out of 5 games against their beefy divisional rivals, and the Lions are also facing some stiff defenses in the last games.

Cowboys: Cardinals, Giants, Bucs, Eagles, Giants

Eagles: Seahawks, Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys, Redskins

Browns: Ravens, Steelers, Cardinals, Ravens, Steelers

Lions: Saints, Vikings, Raiders, Chargers, Packers

• Me: 33
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 6
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: -5
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 39
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: -7

When I saw the game on Thursday night, I patted myself on the back and eagerly looked forward to a great week, but alas, the Jets, Browns, and Seahawks defenses were just too little to overcome for the rest of my QBs, who were all made to look like Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers with no one even trying to stop them. Here's the rest of my schedule, which is a bit more optimistic:

Redskins: Jets, Patriots, Giants, Vikings, Eagles

Bills: Titans, Chargers, Dolphins, Broncos, Patriots

49ers: Rams, Cardinals, Steelers, Seahawks, Rams

Bengals: Steelers, Texans, Rams, Cardinals, Ravens

• Rob: 32
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: 9
• Raiders - Carson Palmer: 9
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: 2
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 12

So, to recap, NONE of the original starters are playing for any of Rob's teams, and, to add insult to injuries, Curtis Painter is often benched repeatedly. One day he's going to get benched twice in one game, and I'm not going to be held responsible for what I do after that. On the bright side for the rest of us, many of these replacements are actually doing better than the original article, contrary to all expectations (and intentions, in Denver). Let's look ahead to the remaining schedule for Rob's teams:

Broncos: Vikings, Bears, Patriots, Buffalo, Chiefs

Dolphins: Raiders, Eagles, Bills, Patriots, Jets

Colts: Patriots, Ravens, Titans, Texans, Jaguars

Raiders: Dolphins, Pakcers, Lions, Chiefs, Chargers

• Xian: 83
• Texans - Matt Lienart: 11, TJ Yates: 13
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: 11
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 16
• Seahawks - Tavaris Jackson: 32

I really thought Matt Lienart would do more for you, Xian. I suppose now that they're on their third QB, you might have a good week next week vs. Atlanta. The bad news is, the rest of their schedule is as soft as a marshmallow puff to act as a landing pad for whoever will be QB for the Texans the rest of the way: Bengals, Panthers, Colts, Titans. And it doesn't get better for the rest of your teams:

Ravens: Browns, Colts, Chargers, Browns, Bengals

Steelers: Bengals, Browns, 49ers, Rams, Browns

Seahawks: Eagles, Rams, Bears, 49ers, Cardinals

• GOOD QB NPC: -41
• Patriots - Tom Brady: -14
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 6
• Saints - Drew Brees: -29
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -4
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 28
• Giants - Eli Manning: -5
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: -3
• Cardinals - John Skelton: 32
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 4
• BAD QB NPC: 83
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 48
• Bears - Caleb Hanie: 27
• Vikings - Christian Ponder: 6
• Rams - Sam Bradford: 2

Wow, negative 41. It'd be a bad season for anyone out there who has the Saints.

BQBL: Week 11 Scores

As we say in the gaming industry: BENCHING=OP

As in, "overpowered". Points for benching are too high! They almost always make the difference between winning and losing week to week. But use your head, coaches! You had weeks of preseason to evaluate who you had on your roster, and you decided, based on weeks of workouts, who you would give your best chance to. Every week, you have the chance to evaluate every person on your roster, and give the first-team snaps (for those of you not in the know, that means practice time with the primary team instead of the backups) to the guy you believe in. And now, in the middle of a game, you're going to just change your mind and throw some unprepared nobody to the sharks?!? It's just not reasonable to expect a backup - the guy YOU decided was not your best player - to do better than your starter under any circumstances. Period, the end. Now stop benching people on random whims, and coach your stupid football team, even if you're losing! I'm looking at you Jim Caldwell, and your "put Painter in and then bench him for Orlovsky twice in two weeks because I have no idea what to do now that Peyton is gone"

• Nan: 84
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 31
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 12
• Chiefs - Tyler Palko: 37
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 4

The Tyler Palko era begins with an ominous whoosh. That's the sound of an interception.

• Alison: 5
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: -17
• Eagles - Vince Young: 27
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 11
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: -16

Whew! Matt Stafford went from a 70-point week to a negative-16-point week? That's rough. But she has Vince Young, who is a frontrunner for the BQBL Heisman. We'll call it the JaMarcus Trophy.

• Me: 93
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 2
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: 58.5, Tyler Thigpen: 7.5
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 5
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: 20

Finally, Ryan Fitzpatrick. It took you long enough.

• Rob: 22
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: 1
• Raiders - Carson Palmer: 16
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: 5
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 0

Hah! Take that, you cheater! Zero points from Painter, and he actually stayed in the game this week!

• Xian: 29
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 0
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: 0
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 7
• Seahawks - Tavaris Jackson: 22

What a week, when Tavaris can score the same points as Rob's entire team. Looks like you don't even need those other schlubs, Xian.

• GOOD QB NPC: 5
• Patriots - Tom Brady: -5
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 10
• Saints - Drew Brees: 0
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: 0
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 114
• Giants - Eli Manning: 10
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: -6
• Cardinals - John Skelton: 63.5, Richard Bartel, 11.5
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 35
• BAD QB NPC: 67
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 5
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 0
• Vikings - Christian Ponder: 29
• Rams - Sam Bradford: 33

And now Jay Cutler will be replaced by Caleb Hanie - it's been a banner year for season-ending injury... Of the 32 QBs that started at the beginning of the year, somewhere around 14 have been replaced, and (most alarmingly) many QBs have been picked up off of waiver wire and out of retirement. Guys who hadn't even seen your team a few weeks ago are starting games! It's the Year of the Crazy Unknown QB.

DWTS: Week 9

Three dances per star? What is this, DWTS, or the slave pens?

Hope Solo

Good intensity in her opening paso, but the judges somehow did not care for it. 7-7-7

Tango Round: Looked alright, though the entrance and exits to the lifts weren't pro-level, as Carrie Ann pointed out. There was renewed chippiness with the judges. Sigh. An annoyed 8-8-8 from the judges.

JR Martinez

Well, the bar is high, and he twisted his ankle during the week, so things aren't going so well right off the bat. Even I noticed a distinct drop-off in performance (his butt stuck out awkwardly a lot), even though he was bringing the intensity, and Karina can naturally channel Catherine Zeta Jones. The judges were convinced the weak ankle affected his ability to put his body in the right postures. 8-7-8

Tango Round: I think that grimace is not an affectation of intensity for the dance. I think he is genuinely in agony from some of those moves. That thing could need medical attention, yo. And contrary to his uplifting message of positivity in the video, he was very frustrated by that limitation there. He is human, after all :) Go ice those ankles, son. And go put on some clothes, Karina. That body stocking is not a real outfit. 9-9-9

Rob Kardashian

Rob said in the video that he's the last man in the competition aside from JR, and that's a lot of competition. Not to fear, he's got his secret weapon - Kardashian-butt! He doesn't look like the pro that some of the past winners look like at Week 9 of DWTS, but he looks like a good dancer, and that salsa looked like a good time on the dance floor, which is the whole point. Huge inflatable rainbow and tiny carnival float, little bit tacky, though. Not your fault, Rob - must have been that one bad designer I've been complaining about all season. Nobody is gonna dock you points for that. 10-9-9

Tango Round: You know what seemed different about that one? It seemed like they were really working together. A very strong, singular unit putting out a great-looking dance. 9-9-9

Ricki Lake

Why does Ricki look like Big Bird? I thought, when she came down the stairs at the opening, that her song would have some kind of Big Bird tie-in, but no. It's just a normal salsa. I think it had more content than Robs, but feathers were flying off her Big Bird costume by the end and sticking all over the floor and Derek's hair, so I couldn't concentrate. 10-10-10 Derek said he felt like an egg that she had laid, but that's not a very nice thing to imply, Derek.

Tango Round: That one looked the most like the 'example' tango the professionals gave, but she seemed a touch apprehensive before her lifts. 9-10-10

Cha-Cha Relay

I repeat myself, Ricki's outfits are getting really small. They show off really well-posed legs.

Hope is not a crsip as Ricki, but she's working those frilly pants to the best of her ability. How come JR is basically wearing a sweatshirt? He was grimacing again - that man is really hurt. Rob showed off some snappy moves; I think he's really getting the idea.

Bruno finally gave props and reminded everyone that they've really put the stars through the wringer here, everybody did a really admirable job for non-professionals, and did a lot of work to put on a good show.

Totals: Hope 49, JR 56, Ricki 67, Rob 65

Results show: Hope got kicked off - it's only to be expected.

BQBL: Week 10 Scores

A few game reports first:

Raiders (rob) vs. Chargers (gqbl)

I don't know why the Chargers were favored in this matchup. I guess Las Vegas saw what Carson did last time he was out, and figured he was going to continue that trend. Come on, give the man a little credit, he was working on less than a week's practice straight out of retirement. Meanwhile, someone out there always puts too much faith in the Chargers; this is the team that lost all it's games while simultaneously having the best offense, and the best defense in the league. That takes a special kind of talent for failure. A special teams kind of talent, I guess. Also, it was basically a home game for the Raiders - the stands were so full of Raiders fans that I had to keep double-checking the logo on the field when they overwhelmingly cheered Oakland touchdowns. Sad times in San Diego.

Interesting Tidbit from the Game: Pass interference cannot be called on punt formation plays! The Raiders lined up for a punt, but instead faked it and attempted a throw for the first down - the Raider receiver on the other end was completely flattened, but the ref was forced to explain that it is not pass interference if the offensive formation is not set up for pass. Crazy!

Cowboys (alison) vs. Bills (me)

When I expressed my gratitude last week to the Jets for potentially providing the blueprint to beating the Bills, I had forgotten that the head coach of the Jets (Rex Ryan) is the twin brother of the defensive coordinator for the Cowboys (Rob Ryan) and that the Jets have a vested interest in seeing the Bills lose some more games, because the Jets have to contend with the Bills to win the AFC East. At any rate, I had plenty on the line here: Bills were not who we thought they were in terms of BQBL, and Cowboys desperately need to start stringing together some wins to make a run of their own towards the playoffs. All in all, a successful day on all fronts, then. Cowboys smashed the Bills, knocked around Ryan Fitzpatrick hard (hopefully making him rethink his decision to be a good QB), and all the other teams in the NFC East lost Sunday. Fantastic.

Interesting Tidbit from the Game: Have I never explained to you the rules behind what game you watch every weekend? Is it because you don't care? Then go straight to this website to just find out each week what your region is watching.

• Nan: 160
• Panthers - Cam Newton: 27
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: 27
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: 13, Tyler Palko: 11
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 69, Josh Johnson: 13

I do not understand how Nan and Rob keep getting these unrealistic benchings! At this point, benching is such a high-priced commodity that one has to pick more based on coach than QB - is your coach the fickle, eager-to-please-booing-fans type? Because exchanging one Josh for another is not going to work, and what makes you possibly think it would? (Fume, fume, fume.)

• Alison: 116
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: -5
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 39
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 12
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: 70

Good thing she didn't watch the Lions game, or else she'd be pretty outraged that she didn't get extra points for Matthew Stafford trying to choke a dude. The BQBL rules couldn't possibly foresee every bad QB act.

• Me: 120
• Redskins - Rex Grossman: 30
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: 69
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 5
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: 16

I said up there under Nan's scores that I should have picked based on weak-minded coaches and not weak-armed, unproven QBs. Though Ryan Fitzpatrick is finally producing solid numbers, and Rex is putting up some middling stats (for Rex), it's not enough to offset these two under(over)performers. Sigh.

• Rob: 162
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: 22
• Raiders - Carson Palmer: 5
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: 50
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 61, Dan Orlovsky: 19

Un-freaking-believable, Rob. You and your cheating somehow, and I'll never understand how, got Curtis Painter benched for the second week in a row? WHAT IS GOING ON. You know that's not right, and I demand Caldwell be the one that's replaced next week. How is that even allowable? It should be illegal, and you know it.

• Xian: 18
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 0
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: -7
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: 15
• Seahawks - Tavaris Jackson: 10

Even the Seahawks gave him only 10 points this week. Sad times.

• GOOD QB NPC: -10
• Patriots - Tom Brady: 11
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 15
• Saints - Drew Brees: -18
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -8, Matt Flynn, -10
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 31
• Giants - Eli Manning: 4
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: -4
• Cardinals - John Skelton: 7
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 24
• BAD QB NPC: 88
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 5
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 34
• Vikings - Christian Ponder: 28
• Rams - Sam Bradford: 21

Annnnnd.... groupings are back to stabilized, thanks mostly to the top three QBs in the league returning to form (and Philip Rivers not doing anything TOO drastic) and BQB NPC league consisting mostly of failure and injury.

DWTS: Week 8 Results

Separate post tonight for results show, because I sometimes spend the results show pondering things (I used to ponder why they'd need a whole show to tell the nation a single voting result, but that phase has long since passed.)

- Great dress, Brooke.

- Do the pro dancers really get along? Do any of them feel superior because of a long list of accolades and championships that other dancers do not have? I mean, Lacey did do "So You Think You Can Dance". And Derek and Mark are much more prone to hip hop moves and gaming the system to win - I know it's just a game, but they're still competitive pros, so I wonder if there can be bad blood.

- Chicken or egg: does the hot body come from dancing ballroom your whole life, or do only naturally hot bodies make it to the top in ballroom?

- Great dress, also, Carrie Ann.

- And speaking of competitive pros, how large does this mirror ball figure in the constellation of ballroom trophies? Some of these pros are five time world champions of ballroom, how much allure does this little mirror ball have for them? In some respects, the show is sold to the public as a 'game', but a lot of the stars get plenty competitive; how about the pros?

- I like DanceCenter. Rather, I want to like DanceCenter, sometimes it's so funny, but mostly it ends up awkward. Come on, Kenny, work with me here. Is it your goal to induce awkward silence? At least Ricki thought the very awkward segment about her was funny. Way to be a good sport, Ricki.

- When they said Andrea Bocelli was going to be on the show (and Flo Rida! I challenge you to find a more interesting talent announcement), I assumed opera, not knowing that he also does somewhat lounge-y music. He'll forever be opera for me, even if his wiki says "crossover artist".

- If there's tickets available to the Cirque Du Soleil tribute to Michael Jackson, I want some. Now. Though admittedly it's all for tricks, and not for dancing, since obviously I've been spoiled by DWTS and Jabbawockee dancing. But they have a one-legged breakdancer, you can't beat that.

- DWTS used to brag (or at least, make known) that all their results show performances were live. But I think this restriction has fallen to the wayside, with folks like LMFAO and Flo Rida performing songs that are suspiciously identical to the studio versions. Not that it is an entirely bad thing - Justin Beiber and the like would probably have a hard time singing and dancing live (it's almost impossible, you should try it sometime). I mean, it's not like they're NOT singing, or that the voice coming out of the speakers is NOT them, but I'd appreciate not being lied to. I can handle the truth.

Oh, and Nancy was pumpkin'd. It was midnight after all. Great job though, Nancy! And way to go, giving props to Tristan after all that abuse!

DWTS: Week 8

Today, instant dances make their return to the ballroom!

Rob Kardashian

I TOLD you he'd come on strong at the end when Cheryl had enough time with him! Great quickstep, full of energy and happy. But I thought 80s week was quite a while ago - "Take Me On" ? 9-9-9 Rob's instant jive was really good, I thought, but he looked a bit tired from all that quickstep and practicing jive...

Hope Solo

They made a point of making up during the video, and Maks went absolutely out of his way to be nice, quiet, patient, and all-around Family Values Maks. He even invited Hope to family dinner to prove he's a human being, after all. Really, though, Maks was just as hard on Hope, just in a quieter, calmer tone of voice. Hope does very little for feminism by basically saying she needs Maks to be gentler with her, and that she's "a girl, after all". Come on, Hope. The judges were well-pleased by the change. 9-9-9 Didn't Hope dance to Avril Lavigne last time she did a jive? This song is way, way too fast, and she had never heard it before, but she acquitted her self reasonably well, due to the fact that she's so fit. Len did a complete turnaround and loved it, explaining his point while flinging his arms around - also important to mention is that Len complained that the other two judges never get booed! 8-9-8

Ricki Lake

Woah, she's thin these days, but somehow bad clothes designer got her hands on the dress and put two bon-bon flowers right on her boobs. Also, her hair is really high. This is all the critique I can come up with. 9-9-10 I thought her jive was really great (and her outfits are getting smaller and smaller) and she had really great energy, but somehow the judges weren't in love with it? Carrie Ann got booed, at least, which balances things out. 8-8-8

Nancy Grace

She's still not snappy with her movements, but she is, like Ricky, getting really thin. She is still Nancy Grace, though, and she's pushing Tristan to the edge of his sanity. She freely admits she thinks she knows how to dance better than Tristan (haha) and has trouble just zipping it during rehearsal and listening to him. She did the air quotes thing that she often does, too. You can do it, Nancy, just keep remembering that Tristan is the expert, and you are the student. 8-8-8 Her instant dance was... not super good. Look, I like Nancy as much as the rest of you - she's showed a softer side, but is still firmly Nancy on DWTS (I'm still not watching in her show, though). And she is getting to be a pretty good dancer. And she certainly has the right spirit of competitiveness, sass, and can-do. But she's in a different class than Ricki and JR. Len thinks it's time Cinderella turned back into a pumpkin, and I have to agree. 7-6-7

JR Martinez

You can tell. It's pretty blatant. Karina wants to win. She finally has a partner who can go all the way, and she's going to get that mirror ball trophy this season, no matter who she has to kill (JR included). She tolerated no goofing around or wasting time this week, and she mercilessly drilled and came up with a magnificent waltz that was truly awesome and deserving of the first perfect score of the season. 10-10-10 JR killed it in the instant jive, also. Another 10-10-10

BQBL: Week 9 Scores

I'm late on this one, I know. But there wasn't much to say about Rob winning again. Let me talk more in-depth about the teams, because this week has been light on football coverage, what with the actual news dominating ESPN's time. And let me say this (more serious than I like to be in BQBL posts you can skip to the scores), the Poynter review that ESPN hired to review their handling of stories wrote an article that unequivocally called ESPN's initial coverage of the Penn State scandal a "miss". They were critical of ESPN's gentle handling and light coverage of the devastating story, claiming that a small town newspaper "scooped" them by being the first to track down the victim's family and get a statement. Really, Poynter? I clicked back to see what else they had said about ESPN's coverage of stories, and the story immediately previous was how Adam Schefter got "scooped" on the Carson Palmer trade even though he knew about it up to two days before anyone else. But Schefter didn't report on it because the Palmer family had asked him to hold off on the story for a few days, and that's what he did. And you're criticizing ESPN for these things, Poynter? No. ESPN, don't listen to these guys, these suggestions are a load of crap. You do not need to be cutthroat backstabbers like the rest of the media out there, just report stories as you have been doing, and I will continue to watch you instead of the other media outlets for that reason. I do not care if you're 'scooped' by a day by some uncaring, amoral, backstabber reporter. You're doing fine.

• Nan: 12
• Panthers - Cam Newton: bye
• Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert: bye
• Chiefs - Matt Cassel: 12
• Buccaneers - Josh Freeman: 0

Aha, his numbers finally see a decline on the week his cat teams both have byes.

• Alison: 42
• Cowboys - Tony Romo: 0
• Eagles - Michael Vick: 15
• Browns - Colt McCoy: 27
• Lions - Matthew Stafford: bye

I think those during-the-week misbehavior points Alison was banking on haven't manifested yet, at the halfway point of the season. Aside from a few vouches from coaches ("X is our quarterback and we're not thinking of moving in another direction.") she hasn't seen too much production from the rest of the week. But there is still time. Better hope that whatever might happen, happens before the season is over!

• Me: 31
• Redskins - John Beck: 15
• Bills - Ryan Fitzpatrick: 21
• 49ers - Alex Smith: 0
• Bengals - Andy Dalton: -5

Thank you, Jets, for finally bringing some sense into the equation with the Bills. Hopefully, defenses in the future can learn a thing or two about how to properly give Ryan Fitzpatrick a BQBL kind of Sunday afternoon. I don't even want to talk about Andy Dalton and how he's ruining my season. First draft pick bust if I've ever seen one! Performance better get worse around here in a hurry, with four more games to go against the Steelers and the Ravens, or else we're going to have to have a talk, Mr. Dalton. And Alex Smith, really? After seeing a few seasons go by in SF where Alex was benched for Shaun Hill, and then Troy Smith (!), I thought I could be a part of that deal - Alex benched for Shaun, benched for Troy, benched for Alex - like a merry-go-round of BQBL points for me. I imagined myself at the awards podium at the end of the season, getting teary-eyed at the recollection of epic failure. You ruined all those dreams, Alex Smith and Jim Harbaugh.

• Rob: 94
• Dolphins - Matt Moore: -5
• Raiders - Carson Palmer: 18
• Broncos - Tim Tebow: 9
• Colts - Curtis Painter: 56, Dan Orlovsky: 16

This is cheating, is what this is. How else would he have gone through something like 6 QBs on 4 teams? And how would anyone be convinced to bench ANY human with an arm for Dan Orlovsky? This man ran out of the back of the endzone in Detroit - there's no physical way your team would be better through this benching.

• Xian: 50
• Texans - Matt Schaub: 27
• Steelers - Ben Roethisberger: -1
• Ravens - Joe Flacco: -13
• Seahawks - Tavaris Jackson: 37

I don't know what I can say to soften the blow. Ben and Joe are getting their acts together, Matt Schaub may also turn out to be a good quarterback. Sorry.

• GOOD QB NPC: 76
• Patriots - Tom Brady: 21
• Chargers - Philip Rivers: 50
• Saints - Drew Brees: 15
• Packers - Aaron Rodgers: -10
• MEDIUM QB NPC: 75
• Giants - Eli Manning: -7
• Falcons - Matt Ryan: 20
• Cardinals - John Skelton: 42
• Jets - Mark Sanchez: 20
• BAD QB NPC: 17
• Titans - Matt Hasselbeck: 0
• Bears - Jay Cutler: 2
• Vikings - Christian Ponder: bye
• Rams - Sam Bradform: 15

Sigh, another upside-down week for the other groupings. Philip Rivers was once a threat to break passing records, and now look at him. Don't make me replace you on the varsity team with Eli, or even Matt Hasselbeck.

DWTS: Week 7

Halloween night, Brooke is dressed up, and Tom is chock full of puns. It's going to be a long evening.

David Arquette

Video: Kym is ridiculously afraid of vampires? I'm not sure why she freaks out when David bites her. Haha. He also joked that if Kym can get his hips moving, she's the magician.

Outfit: He's Houdini, and she's a brunette magician's assistant?

Dance: Huhn, he did manage a few tricks. They were subtle, so you actually had to watch for them. But his dancing is still awkward - I have a friend who is musical enough, she knows how to count, but she's not what we'd call "musical". Like she doesn't feel the music, so she's doing moves to her internal counting system, and not to the music. That's how David seems to dance. I appreciate magic tricks, though.

Critique: Pretty positive (maybe they're apologetic for last week, realizing they're too critical on celebrities). They bleeped Bruno calling Carrie Ann a pussy (she's dressed up as a black cat). They all praised him for great improvement, and decrease in manic flailing. 8-8-8

JR Martinez

Video: (Do you see Carson in the audience? This man is some kind of DWTS super-fan!) Somehow, tango is not JR strong suit, and Karina is ultra pissed all week when he's not getting it. JR is so great with people, though - he doesn't escalate the fight, he just stops everything and says: "we need hugs now. Let's all stop and have hugs." And that calms down the argument immediately and defuses the situation. Somehow I don't think he learned that in the army?

Outfits: Aw, Karina. This is a nightmare, even for Halloween. You could have probably been anything, and a crazy skeleton lady was not necessary. They snuck some spangles onto JR's custodian / ghostbusters uniform

Dance: Something funny went on at the beginning, and he never seemed to quite get over it. Technique and musicality seemed alright, but occasionally the music slipped out from under them, because the song itself did not suit the tango. We're so used to angry and passion-charged tangos, this ghostly romp didn't seem effective. Not their fault.

Critique: Len flat out said that JR raised his own bar too high! Whelp, that's what you get, you overachiever! 9-8-8 Remarkably close to David Arquette!

Nancy Grace

Video: Nancy: "Are you trying to say I'm not fun!" Tristan: "I'm trying to say... a sentence."

Outfits: Kinda cute, devil-themed.

Dance: WTF, NANCY. What was that beginning. You are not keeping up with "Devil Went Down to Georgia" in your jive at all! Did you forget bits? What happened here?

Critique: She kept a smile on her face throughout the dance, and then the critique. Is this her extremely tough exterior from being a prosecutor? What a skill that is. Len all but said she ought to go home. But I get the sense that there is some kind of voting cadre keeping her in it all this time. 7-7-7 You guys should probably have given her lower scores, it was a super mess. I think Tristan isn't having much success getting her whipped into shape. It occurs to me, watching the recap, that she looks like she's a happy newbie dancer who's having a great time (what the show was always supposed to be about) where sometimes the winner of DWTS just plain looks like a professional dancer.

Rob Kardashian

Video: Cheryl is apparently afraid of everything in the world, so Rob gets some much-needed revenge by pranking her in several different ways throughout the week. It may have backfired, because she decided that if he has time and energy for pranks, his tango better be awesome.

Outfits: They were Morticia and Whats His Name from the Addams family.

Dance: Actually, that was no good. I thought at the beginning of the dance that they looked like the couple from the movie, and it would be awesome because those two actually tango'd in the movie, but tangoing to the theme song instead of real tango music made it really un-tango-like.

Critique: Well, the judges loved it. Footwork and manliness, they cited. 9-8-8

Ricki Lake

Video: Ricki has injured her ribs, and that is bad for the paso, where you do a lot of torso-stretching. I guess it would be bad for any dance. But she's a competitor, like I said last week. She doesn't talk about 'toughing it out' or whine about how much it hurts. She says stuff like "this is not a good time to be injured" presumably followed by a "just cut them out! I have a competition to win!" That's a winner's attitude, Ricki, you go. Although I suppose Derek uuber-competitive nature could be rubbing off on his partners somehow.

Outfits: Very good. She was Little Red Riding Hood, and was sucked into a teensy corset. She's tiny already!

Dance: Very clean, as usual.

Critique: Very positive, as usual. 9-9-9

Hope Solo

Video: HAHA amazing. Maks is a little hurt, so he brought someone else in to dance with Hope for about a day. She (in continuing theme of not being PC when talking) basically said that the new partner was way better than Maks' temperamental nature, and she learned the routine faster than ever. And then Maks came back to yell at the both of them. I can only cross my fingers and hope that when the season is over, she doesn't throw him under the bus verbally. He doesn't take well to being bus-thrown. Remember, Hope: "I had a great time, it was a great experience, and I loved working with Maks." End quote.

Outfits: Flattering outfit for Hope, no shirt for Maks. We can't ask for more, really.

Dance: Hope, still not the best. But at least the routine was fun and technically advanced? And having finally learned the routine solidly first, she was able to get more details in and look more relaxed.

Critique: Positive, but again, that's more likely trepidation in face of minefield. 8-8-8

Team Tango: David Arquette, Nancy Grace, and JR Martinez

Outfits: Awesome. Dressed as crazy people and dancing to "Disturbia". Fun all around.

Nancy: She really held her own in the unison parts! I say that because she's the only celeb woman, next to Karina and Kym. You'll notice that Nancy is one of the only folks who doesn't complain about being fat, ugly, plain, or old, where celebs always play those angles for votes and sympathy. Nope. Nancy's holding up well for a 50+ lady, thanks. her individual part was alright, I think tango is pretty simple, with clear beats and all that. It kind of looked like she bobbled something, though. And she could have taken the chance to see exactly what the pro ladies were doing when they do the same moves - you know, flick her hair, twist her hips, that kind of thing.

David: After David was giving JR some basic pointers about posture, he ended up squishing his frame down in an unattractive way. But his solo was just fine otherwise. He's done tango before, and Kym is an excellent tango partner.

JR: Karina and JR probably had the best choreography for their solo section, even if it consisted of a lot of walking back and forth. He squished his stance on the kick, though.

Critique: Wow, they did not like the individual parts. Not. At. All. None of them. The unison parts, they loved, but the other parts, wow. Whew. Angry. 8-7-8 for all.

Team Paso: Ricki Lake, Rob Kardashian, and Hope Solo

Video: Rob is going to benefit from being the only celeb man. Especially Maks and Derek, who slapped him around - "clench ass, squeeze abs! Clench ass! Squeeze abs!" There was a long moment of awkward as Hope and Maks fought, like, for real domestic violence fought. Eventually Maks stormed out and Derek awkwardly offered to practice with Hope for a bit. Maks must be utterly frustrated out of his mind with Hope. Still, awkward.

Outfits: Gravediggers and ghosts? Executioners and Snow Whites? Not sure, but the song is Evanescence's "Wake Me Up"

Rob: At the beginning of his solo, you could see his mouth, counting. And was there a little bobble there? He got it together and delivered a paso, though.

Hope: Hate relationships actually make paso's good, so it was good, but just a touch of awkward was still in there.

Ricki: Her dark yet prim look isn't as paso as the other two ladies, fraught with emotion, but that kind of minor complaint really shouldn't even count against her. The dance was clean (again. I say that about her and Derek a lot.)

Critique: Very excited. It was an exciting dance! 9-8-9

Results show featured not only Justin Beiber, but Carson Kressley as a guest reporter ("HI! I'm still here! I won't go home!") and Boyz 2 Men, singing with Justin Beiber. David got sent home. Sad!