DWTS (S14): Week 2 Eliminations

Guest performer is Sugarland, and I get the feeling that if you don't like Sugarland, nothing is about to change your mind. She's got a very unique voice. She plugged a new ABC show called "Duets" with fellow judges Lionel Richie, Kelly Clarkson, and Robin Thicke. Those other three are all consultants on "The Voice" right now. How odd.

No surprises this week. Martina didn't survive Monday's bobble, that's only to be expected - the level of competition is extra high this season, and there's no villains of the ballroom. There's no one else to eliminate! Sorry, Martina, you're still a legend on the tennis court. Just not the ballroom.

LoL: Lulu

Lulu.... is not good.

Sorry guys. I don't know what you want me to tell you. She's like Janna, in that she mitigates team fights and has no sustaining lane-presence, so unless you're a professional team that lives and dies by team fights only, she's not going to be the "normal people's" support champion. I also have not seen her successfully pulled off as an AP carry. I mean, let's take a look at her skills:

Q: Slow. Yup. It's a skillshot slow. That's.... it. It does some damage, but it's barely noticeable, and you have to get way too close to use it, putting yourself in way too much danger for a delicious squishy like Lulu (unless you send Pix to someone else and use it from there). Also, it takes maybe a fraction of a second too long to cast and the projectile itself moves surprisingly slowly, pretty much ensuring that it never lands on an enemy champ, even when you think it's going to.

W: Whimsy has two uses. On an ally, it makes them awesomely fast and gives them some amount of AP. This works out well if your buddy is chasing someone down and you can reach your own teammate to cast it on him, or if your buddy is running away from certain death. Whimsy on an enemy will turn them into a cute squirrel, unable to use skills or attack. This sounds positively awesome on paper, but in practice, it takes a moment for Whimsy to reach the enemy and turn them into a squirrel. That moment is usually enough delay for, say, an enemy Nautilus to get off that last spell that's going to kill your teammate.

E: Help, Pix! Sends your personal sprite to a teammate to shield them (briefly) and aid their attacks, or sends Pix to an enemy to "damage" them and provide you vision of them. I do just about zero damage with Pix, personally. It has good range, but not enough to keep you really safe while harassing. After all, if you use it to harass, you have nothing left to shield yourself with...

R: Lulu's ult is, like Janna's, a good way to manipulate team fights in your favor, or waste to save one teammate if an emergency arises. Like Janna's ult, if neither of those two situations presents themselves in your games, it goes unused and wasted.

And, Lulu's W and E skills have a range of 650. Compare that to Soraka's 750 on silence, and Soraka's silence is instantaneous to boot (not to mention free to cast). Stopping a Kat or Nunu channel instantly is super useful, but needing to run towards the Nunu and then wait for the little ball of light to reach him, that may not quite make it in time. So, overall, Lulu is great if you're a professional team and you're always getting into high-skill 5v5 team fights. Lulu will tip those scales in your favor. But if you're on some random team, or your friends are dropping the ball on tanking/carrying, Lulu's brand of "support" falls into the category of "morale support," or "standing around idly and looking cute."

DWTS (S14): Episode 2

No elimination last week, always a nice idea, so everyone gets at least two dances. The beginning is worth a glance to check out Brooke's very sunny dress. She normally doesn't exhibit that much showcased cleavage. Speaking of Boobage (The Voice), it's on at the same time as DWTS. But here's something to think about: if you want to vote for DWTS, phone lines are only open until an hour after the show. That's how they make you watch live. Smart.

Also, I've got to complain about the online episodes. The commercials are probably TWICE as loud as the show! It's enough to blast your ears off.

Roshon: Chelsie, we discover in this video, despite being young, knows nothing about youth culture or hip-hop. It's.... a little embarrassing for young people everywhere, I imagine, and Roshon all but apologizes to those watching at home for witnessing her attempt at rap. Roshon, on the other hand, does some quality beat boxing. Best quote of the video: Chelsie says, "Everything you do needs to be prince-like. How would a prince walk into a ballroom?" And Roshon does his best Prince impersonation. It is pretty good. At any rate, he does pull off a swagger-ific quickstep. Personally it didn't seem super elegant or smooth, but that's why I'm not a judge. The real judges were well-pleased by it. 9-8-9

Sherri: In the video, Sherri takes one look at the jive and says, "My equipment is way too heavy for all that bouncing around." And it certainly looks like an incredible expenditure of effort. But in the real dance, she absolutely works it. Her outfit has the dangly bits, and those have never worked so hard since Kristi Yamaguchi's 100mph jives. Disaster totally struck midway through the dance, when she just... decided not to do the between-the-legs slide. But they recovered well, and the judges loved the sass factor. 8-7-8

Melissa: Check out this picture of Maks. It is pretty funny. Anyway. Rehearsal was amusing, since Maks discovered Melissa cries when she's happy, and Maks has just decided he can't win with the ladies. They bawl if you critique, they bawl if you compliment. As for the dancing, her quickstep seemed polished, though she had a noticeable slip. The judges came down pretty hard, though, not impressed with her slip and posture fall-off due to lack of stamina. Hey, she's kind of older than Roshon, here. Cut the lady some slack. 7-6-7

Jack: I... personally don't know Jack? And if he was once a super-tv-soap-opera heartthrob, he is ... not now? He's a genuine and enthusiastic guy, sure. But he seems a bit stiff to me, and somehow, the judges are fine with that? 7-7-7

Gladys: More of the ballroom showing off, with a glowing keyboard motif on the floor and lighting up as they quick-stepped across it. Fancy. You could see Tristan barking orders the whole time, though - what can I say, it took away a little bit of the romanticism of quickstep, haha. But she's a sophisticated lady, so it looked classy just because of that. Len was a bit gentler than usual (he's a fan, isn't everyone?) but the judges were not terribly impressed with her posture. Brooke asked if Tristan had a harder time because he's the taskmaster for a living legend. He said, "We're all in the same boat, but I have an advantage because when Gladys smiles, everyone smiles." You'd better damn well smile, folks. That is a living legend. 7-5-7. Five!? Really, Len?

Katherine: How does Mark get these partners? Is it the celebrity's choice? Do the dancers fight in-house? Does Mark get first pick because of his pedigree? Sheer competitiveness? Insider trading? Let us look at his history of partners: Kristin Cavallari, Chelsea Kane, Bristol Palin, Shannen Doherty, Melissa Joan Hart, Shawn Johnson (won), Kim Kardashian, Kristi Yamaguchi (won), Sabrina Bryan. Those are some hot ladies. I guess Derek got Nicole Scherzinger. What I mean by this digression is, he gets a lot of naturally gifted and extremely good looking ladies. Kristi Yamaguchi was a pretty easy win, folks. And Katherine is pretty much already a professional dancer. In the video she was shocked at the raunchy level of her Latin dance. "He wants me to shake my naughty bits," she said. And it doesn't look funny right there in text, but trust me, in her British accent, it was hilarious. 9-8-9

Jaleel: I hate to say this about my hero, but Jaleel could stand to lose a few from the mid-section. And I'm sure he will, with the extreme conditioning Kym will put him through. That song, though. Too slow for jive. That wasn't Jaleel or Kym's fault, judges! 7-7-8

Maria: Speaking of matchups, this is another good one. Derek is extreme goof-off, but with a solid dose of overwork at the same time. Anyone who's also of that mindset is a good match for him. Quickstep isn't the time to "bring the sexpot," so that request will have to be tabled for now. Quickstep is, though, one of Derek's real specialties.

Martina: OMG, total disaster. That's twice now, Tony - is it you?!? 6-5-6

Donald: Things we found out about Donald today: he's goofier than you knew. Also, he's capable of gentlemanly dancing. Still perhaps a touch rushy in his eagerness, but as Carrie Ann says, Donald's years of watching DWTS is paying off. His emphasis on hold was solid. And here's a first: Len said he went back and rewatched the video from last week, and he told Donald he "undermarked" him last week. That was an upstanding thing to do, Len. 8-8-8

Gavin: Some people, new to DWTS, may think that musicians have an unfair advantage, being knowledgeable about rhythm and beats, but that is not really true. Some musicians know all about performance and music, but don't have the physical training and full control over the movement of their body. The advantage that athletes and actors have is the instinct to see someone move their body in a certain way, and then be able to remember and replicate that in performance. Sorry, Gavin, don't mean to pick on you. 7-7-7

William: Cheryl knows how to work it. "The higher our scores, Bruno, the more the clothes are coming off." She also busted out her BFF in the world: Quickstep posture bar. But, DWTS! Quickstep doesn't allow William to go shirtless! Who cares? Not the ladies in the DWTS audience, of course. It's deafening in there everytime he's in sight. 9-7-9

DWTS (S14): Episode 1

I wasn't going to do this recap stuff this season, because lemme be honest: I have no idea who most of these guys are. I have heard of Gladys Knight and Martina Navratilova (I had to look up the spelling). And I know Jaleel White and Donald Driver. That's about it. But then, most of the way through the show, I saw Katherine Jenkins, and I figured, that's the way DWTS wants it: a fair playing field of famous-ness. Why else would Katherine Jenkins be on the American DWTS and not the British version, where she is crazy-popular? That is my theory, anyway. So, with that kind of fairness of semi-anonymity in mind, we soldier on with recapping.

Maria Menounous: She is a host of Extra, and well-proportioned for DWTS outfits. Always a good call. She needs Derek to bring her out of her shell more, ("open up the sex pot," Bruno said) because her technique and attention to detail seemed strong, she just needed some more attack / attitude. DWTS, for its part, takes some bold tech-y strides with live twitter comments and fancy ballroom lighting gymnastics. Oh, and finally, she has the craziest laugh. They made a small montage of it during the video, but maybe one can just youtube up something since she's on tv so much. It. Is. Funny. 7-7-7

Jack Wagner: I do not know who this person is. At all. His bio says he's a soap opera star and singer, but these are things I do not know about. He also began lying down and doing kicks, so that always says to me that something bad is going on. But, the judges liked it, for reasons unknown to me. Personally, I'd save those eights - it's still pretty early in the night. 8-7-8

Donald Driver: In case you do not know, Donald Driver plays for the Green Bay Packers at wide receiver. He is apparently more of a DWTS veteran than Peta (his partner) since she only got one show last season (as the "Peta" half of "Meta and Peta," unfortunately for her) and he's been watching since season one. The judges commented that his eagerness may have contributed to a slightly hectic performance, but I (and the crowd) loved it. It seemed crisp and fast and cool. And Peta was pulling out all the stops to stay longer this season, with the nonexistant outfit and bangles. Ok, full disclosure, I'm rooting for Donald, as usual. But come on, judges. That last guy got some eights. 7-7-7

Gavin Degraw: I've heard of Gavin Degraw, but seeing him try to dance, well... Karina's got her work cut out for her. I have fullest confidence in her, though. It's a big difference from JR, though, stay cognizant, Karina! Gavin finally acknowledges what we've been thinking all these seasons, too: standing between Karina and Brooke is a "pretty-sandwich". 7-6-7

Roshon Fegan: Here's a secret. Ok, it's not so secret. ABC is owned by Disney. And sometimes, Disney gets a little ahead of itself when marketing future stars. For example, I've never heard of Roshon Fegan. I'm sure he's really big on the Disney channel these days, but his confidence and swagger seem to indicate that he's really big... inside his own imagination. Not that I don't like him, I do. I'm just saying, Disney places their own stars in DWTS sometimes, and they forget that the middle-aged ladies that are the shows main viewership (and football fans in secret) do not vote for these kids. Sorry. 8-7-8

Sherri Shephard: See, I don't watch 'The View' either, so we will see who gets more votes on this show, her or Roshon. Because come on, Roshon already dances and sings and acts. Sherri sits in a chair on a talk show. She's funny, though. And she can really move that package, to be frank. 8-7-8

Melissa Gilbert: She was a kid star on "Little House on the Prairie," which I have never seen. She is one of those ladies that is on the show because she's "been going through some things" which is, I suppose, good inspiration for other ladies who are "going through some things." But she has a ways to go, and Maks won't be easy on her until then. 7-6-7

William Levy: Screams burst out when William was introduced. Again, I do not know this person (he's a tela novella star), but it seems the ladies in the ballroom all came to ogle them some William Levy. It was deafening, do you get me? This man was so hot, Tom cheekily warned the judges away from criticism due to threat of ugly mob. He needn't have worried, because Carrie Ann's comment was "Thank you, ABC, for my job," while fanning herself, a sentiment which Brooke and Cheryl echoed, and Bruno's criticism consisted of "you're overdressed." William took all the jokes quite well - he seems like a nice guy. Just... covered in screaming ladies all the time. Wonder how his wife survives all that. 8-8-8

Martina Navratilova: Tennis queen, dancing noob. I suppose we'd expect it to be difficult for her, but come on, Martina! You're competitive - shake what your mamma gave you, and all that. If huge ungainly football players can do it, so can you! 7-6-7

Katherine Jenkins: She's an opera singer from England, and my guess is that she's super popular over there, with best-selling records and huge shows. She's also incredibly adorable, so this is where my theory came from - it would be unfair if she competed in England. Maybe they realized this after Nicole Sherzinger? I should look it up. I'll put my findings at the bottom of the post. As for the dancing, she looks exquisite in the dress, and the dancing is similarly exquisite. 9-8-9

Gladys Knight: Haha, so funny. Gladys introduced herself and let us in on a secret: she wanted to dance with the Pips, all those years, and they plain did not let her, due to Two Left Feet Syndrome. Tristan introduced himself as the "hot one." He's so funny and adorable, especially how none of us can understand his english. Gladys dances a little bit like an old lady, but an old lady with sass, as you might expect. 8-7-8

Jaleel White: He's Urkel, from Family Matters, don't you know? More importantly than Urkel, do you remember the Steve/Stephan saga at the crazy end? The man unexpectedly transformed on the show's producers from scrawny dweeb to model-quality hunk after puberty. Imagine their surprise. And they tried to take advantage, but nothing takes advantage of good looks, charm, and smoothness better than DWTS. Wish this had been around back then! It would've saved him from hosting a weird game show on SyFy? At any rate, the dance was smooth like butter, and Kym leaped onto him after the music was over, so excited to have a contender she couldn't contain herself. 9-8-9

Low-Down on British DWTS: It's called Strictly Come Dancing. What a name! Bruno and Len are also judges on that show, and it airs on Saturdays, so the two of them actually fly to Hollywood from London every week. Crazy! I hope their airplane shields them from the excess radiation? They have Christmas specials and they donate a lot of their proceeds to charities, but they've had fewer seasons in all, because they only run in the falls. I took a look at their past lineups, and didn't see any prominent American celebrities, but that doesn't disprove my theory. Here's other crazy food for thought, though. Carrie Ann seems to have some sense in her head and doesn't fly back and forth all over the world, so they need a different female judge. For a long time it was someone named Arlene Phillips, a choreographer from the West End. But she was dropped in a recent season for, wait for it, the celebrity who won season 5! Weird, eh?

BQBL: Final Standings

Wow, Rob and Nan separately reminded me that I never put up the final scores for the BQBL. Probably because I didn't win.

WINNER: Rob, 1521 points

• MVBQB: Timothy Richard Tebow, 292 points

2ND PLACE: Nan, 1476 points

• MVBQB: Blaine Gabbert, 421.5 points

3RD PLACE: Me, 968 points

• MVBQB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 353 points

4TH PLACE: Xian, 737 points

• MVBQB: Joe Flacco, 249 points

5TH PLACE: Alison, 652 points

• MVBQB: Michael Vick, 204 points

Other Statistics:

Highest Individual QB Score: Blaine Gabbert, 421.5

Lowest Individual QB Score: Aaron Rodgers, -125

Highest Single Game Score: Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller, 178

Lowest Single Game Score: (Tie) Matt Stafford and Matt Flynn, -34

Team Fielding the Most QBs: Texans (Christian), 4

GQB-NPC Total Points: 7

NQB-NPC Total Points: 966

BQB-NPC Total Points: 1343

Team with the Greatest # of Post-Season Games Played: Christian, 5

Team with the Fewest # of Post-Season Games Played: Nan, 0

And here are your individual charts, in case you want to analyze performance before the start of next season:

Mine:

What We Have Learned Here: The Redskins have a special brand of failure that is not necessarily predicated on their bad quarterback play. We should have know this because they had Donovan McNabb last year, and did almost exactly the same amount of nothing. Lesson learned - the Redskins make all their noise during free agency, and not so much as a whimper in either direction (good or bad) during the regular season. By post-season, they're not even a footnote anymore.

The 49ers and Bengals are going undrafted next year, those jerks.

The Bills were bad, as expected, but it took them far too long to get their affairs in order, and by then, there was no catching up!

Alison's:

What We Learned: The scoring system doesn't favor Alison's gameplan as much as anyone could have anticipated. By the final weeks, her QBs could have all gotten together, streaked naked and drunk through two cities, and sexted some reporters while getting arrested, and she still wouldn't have caught up. I wonder if the official website of BQBL is going to tweak the numbers for next year, or if I have to do it myself.

We also learned that the Browns and the Lions are surprisingly low scorers on the BQBL - not what we would have expected going into the season. Or, heck, looking back on the season. I don't really have an explanation on how the Browns scored so few BQBL points while going 4-12 with Colt McCoy and Seneca Wallace, and no Peyton Hillis.

Nan's:

What We Learned: Nan actually got lucky with the two "cat" teams he got. He could have filled his entire roster with cat teams, but I ended up with those lousy Bengals, and Alison was hit hard by the negative-scoring Lions. I suppose the Jaguars didn't really contribute to Nan's almost-win, either. What have we decided, then? This year's lottery fell on "horse" teams (Colts and Broncos) and "pirate" teams (Buccaneers and Raiders), not "cat" teams (Lions, Bengals, Jaguars, Panthers).

Rob's:

What We Learned: That Rob is a hacker! How could he have known that Jason Campbell, Kyle Orton, and Peyton Manning would all be out of action?! This is all very suspicious...

Xian's:

What We Learned: That despite fielding four (!) different QBs, Houston still managed to not only win a playoff game, but keep their total BQB score to a truly anemic 98. And the Seahawks, an early draft favorite, also mitigated their damages to a total of 302 points. This, again, speaks to the fact that a proper playbook and a level-headed coach are key factors in low BQBL scores, without even taking into account a quarterback's skill level.