Welcome to the Recap of Sunday's games, exaggerated to increase Hollywood drama-factor by yours truly for your entertainment. Actual scores to come on Tuesday, or whenever the website we're using posts official numbers. In an interesting sideline, Grantland.com also has a "fantasy fantasy football league" where it ranks the so-called 'experts' from sites like nfl.com and espn.com on how well their fantasy picks worked out week to week. Talk about your meta-game!
BILLS (me) vs RAIDERS (rob)
In what might be a recurring theme for all of us at the start of the BQBL, people that were deliberately chosen to be underachievers significantly overachieved this week. For shame, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Jason Campbell! We expected you to be bad! Do you know where Ryan Fitzpatrick is from? Harvard. That is why I picked him. And the Bills are really bad, too. So when it was 21-3 in favor of the Raiders at halftime and Fitzpatrick hadn’t so much as sniffed the scoring side of the field, I was quite relieved and went back to sleep (it was still like 10am). I woke up to frantic shouts from the announcers that this game was “a nail biter” and “really heating up” - lo and behold, the Bills had scored on every second half possession to make it a 24-21 game. After a few more back-and-forths that had me wincing for my BQBL points (and Rob's) it was 35-31 with Oakland up, but the Bills had the ball with under 4 minutes to go and hurrying for a TD, as if they were some kind of competent team that wanted to win! How offensive. At any rate, they did get a touchdown, and it may count as -12 points for me, for Fitzpatrick leading a game-winning last minute drive for a TD. There was a little time left, so I crossed my fingers and hoped that those negative 12 points would go to Rob, on the off chance Jason Campbell could get his act (and team) together for his own game-winning TD drive at the last minute, but alas. Campbell turned out to be the more genuine failure. At least for today.
LIONS (alison) vs. CHIEFS (nan)
Grim tidings for Alison’s pick here. I thought she was on to something by picking cities full of hopelessness, but then again, maybe there’s nothing left to lose in Detroit (get it?!), and nothing left to live for except winning, because Matthew Stafford threw for nearly 300 yards and 4 touchdowns. Nan, on the other hand, seems to have found a sleeper pick in Matt Cassel, who threw for no touchdowns and 3 interceptions, in a hilarious 48-3 rout of the Kansas City Chiefs.
RAVENS (xian) vs. TITANS (bqb-npc)
I thought for sure Xian was crazy for picking the Ravens after they dismantled the Steelers in Week 1, but they appear to have forgotten there was the rest of the season still to be played, because they got smeared by the Tennessee Titans. It may have been a ‘hangover’ week, but Flacco was less than 50% completion with 2 interceptions and 1 TD.
BROWNS (alison) vs. COLTS (rob)
A fair to middlin’ game for both QBs, nothing to write home about, doesn’t look there’s anything fancy that will net big points for either side, but you may both take heart in the fact that you were both playing against pretty soft defenses. Once you play against a good team, I’m sure interceptions will pick up and fumbles will be extra costly. On the bright side for Rob, things in Indiana look to be getting fairly ugly for Kerry Collins - there may (somehow) be calls for Curtis Painter to take the field?
BUCCANEERS (nan) vs VIKINGS (bqb-npc)
Why didn’t I pick the Vikings? That’s the second collapse in two weeks, although McNabb’s numbers are markedly better than last weeks, so that means fewer points in the BQBL. Still, the Buc’s were toast at the half, 17-0 and outmanned and outgunned at every turn. They just weren’t intimidated by the likes of McNabb and the Purple Dudes with Big White Horns and laughed their way to victory in the second half. Josh Freeman had an interception, but overall, it looks like it’s going to be negative points for Nan.
JAGUARS (nan) vs. JETS (mqb-npc)
This, is where Nan is going to make money. My friends, we have our first QB Benching! Cheers all around, and congrats, Nan. Luke McCown was so bad that he was actually benched in the forth quarter after putting up only 59 yards and 4 interceptions. Blaine Gabbart, can you believe it! Second game of the season! It’s shaping up to be a miserable year for the Jaguars, and subsequently, a great pick for Nan.
SEAHAWKS (xian) vs. STEELERS (xian)
Tavaris Jackson had another unproductive day, managing a grand total of Zero Points, but Xian may offset himself by the Steelers having a solid roll-face of a completely inferior team.
CARDINALS (mqb-npc) vs. REDSKINS (me)
I picked Sexy Rexy (Rex Grossman) because of some epic 5-interception days that he used to have when he played for the Bears. The man is a meltdown waiting to happen. But no, he fails me once again with a solid day and only 2 interceptions. Cowboys play him next week - we’re banged up, but our pass rush is still solid, and Rexy should pretty much pee his little red spandex when he sees DeMarcus Ware coming at him, carrying half of his offensive line on his back.
PACKERS (gqb-npc) vs PANTHERS (nan)
Nan offsets his Jaguars pick with a Panthers pick that is looking bad for him in the first two weeks. I didn’t believe in Cam Newton either, but that’s two weeks in a row that the rookie #1 draft pick, Heisman winner has thrown for over 400 yards. But also 3 interceptions, maybe that will even things out a bit. I chalk it up to Nan not remember which ‘cat-mascot’ team was which, and just taking them both.
BENGALS (me) vs. BRONCOS (rob)
Another matchup between me and rob, and another pair of letdowns. The Bengals have been affectionately termed ‘the Bungles’ for many years now, and the Broncos have melted down at least three separate times in maybe less than two years. They were hot picks in the BQBL to say the least. There was an article in ESPN about how the Bengals were the worst-run team in the league, they’re constantly last in the power rankings, they’re starting a half-injured, red-headed QB that no one knows, and they’ve easily broken the record for most number of arrests on one roster - how could the Bengals not be powerhouses in any negative league?! Apparently, Andy Dalton can have a decent QB day while the rest of his team sucks, and poor coaching decisions lead to losing games. I mean, if it were a Bad Football Team League, I’d have this locked up and we could all go home, but Andy Dalton, I demand you stop overachieving from an impossible position right this instant. As for Rob, would you believe that the Broncos have been so devastated by the injury bug that they did, in fact, put Tim Tebow on the field - as a wide reciever?
TEXANS (xian) vs. DOLPHINS (rob)
Both teams have very middlin’ QBs and excellent runners, but they both also have very flashy wide receivers, so it’s going to be week to week with these teams. Basically, if a team is too dumb to double-cover the super-receiver (miami) the other team (houston) is going to have a great passing day. Sorry, Xian. I’m sure other teams are not as dumb at the Dolphins. As for Rob, the Texan defense may look dough-ish with Wade Philips at the helm, but he knows his defense. 1 INT, less than 50% passing completion, you’re off to a good start with Chad Henne, and the Dolphins open 0-2 at home. Calls for Matt Moore may be imminent!
EAGLES (alison) vs. FALCONS (mqb-npc)
There were a lot of turnovers, fumbles, interceptions, and Michael Vick got smashed in the face, but concussions no longer get you points in the BQBL! Vick had racked up over 300 yards and two passing TDs before leaving the game, and they didn’t put in Vince Young! The backup’s name was Kraft, and he was actually plenty accurate, so even though Vick is likely out for next week, we won’t know how they will perform just yet. Seems Vince Young is somewhat injured! I’m sure Alison will be biting her nails, hoping that Young will be better enough by next Sunday to make a mess out of the Eagle’s season. I’m hoping for it too, of course.
CHARGERS (gqb-npc) vs. PATRIOTS (gqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams, and good for us, because Christ on a Crutch, those two can throw. Brady racked up another 400+ passing yard day with three TD’s. Both he and Rivers should probably just go into modeling and leave the rest of us alone. We’re trying to win, here!
COWBOYS (alison) vs. 49ERS (me)
And now, we come to the epic game of the week. And when I say epic, I mean Hollywood. Maybe even Bollywood. Someone, somewhere, is going to make a movie out of this, just you wait and see.
Down 14-0 and nearing half time, things were looking bad for Dallas. Like, “what are you guys doing out there” bad. But a lucky break let Miles Austin into the end zone to make it 14-7 at the half. Coming out of the halftime break, Tony was grimacing, but heading out onto the field, when a someone from the medical staff stunned him with a tranquilizer and the crew dragged him back to the locker room for a CT scan (that was a lie, but he was super angry when they marched him off the field, so I shall embellish). The official word came out that he had fractured his ribs on the third play of the game, the medical staff was very angry with him for not telling them (that part’s a lie too, but I like to imagine), and was grounded for the remainder of the game. John Kitna was in. Alison’s hopes soared as Kitna threw into a wide open endzone to a dude in red. That is not a Cowboy’s color, John Kitna, just for your future reference. The guy you wanted to throw to? He was almost 15 yards to the right, and wearing white. Blown opportunity to even up the score. Luckily, Alex Smith can do nothing with it, and Kitna manages to get it to Miles Austin for another TD - remember, our other wide reciever, Dez Bryant, is out with injury for the whole game. But, after Kitna throws his second interception of the third quarter and the 49ers go up 21-14, you see Tony back on the sidelines, demanding of people where they put his helmet. “We put it in the trash, Tony. You’re supposed to be dead.” I like to imagine that if someone went back to the x-ray room at that point, they’d find all the medical staff, ninja’d to unconsciousness. “SOMEONE GIVE ME A HELMET,” you could see him roaring on the sidelines - rather, mouthing very loudly, because apparently he could not take a full breath during the course of the game, “I HAVE A GAME TO WIN”. Perhaps, in the movie version, he could also overturn a table, because I like that meme.
At any rate, down 24-14 (after some strange coaching decisions by San Francisco that will surely come back to haunt them in a Monday hangover) in the fourth quarter, Miles Austin makes an amazing, one-of-a-kind, unbelievable dive for a TD that speaks of a superhuman level of body control, and possibly an extreme level of desperation. For real, gravity said: “you’re going down at the 5 yard line” and Miles said: “Eff you, gravity, I’m going in for a touchdown, and no mere law of the universe is going to stop me.” Of course, he kind of hurt himself and we may lose him for two weeks. But he got the touchdown. I’m sure, in the movie, they’ll cart him off and he’ll give the team a thumbs up as he gets wheeled away. Didn’t you watch The Replacements?
So. Dez Bryant out, Miles Austin out. We’ve got no one left. Time to put in that one guy, that’s on the roster because Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin had a reality show and the winner got to go to training camp and Jerry kind of has a personal stake in this guy (me too - I watched that show). Jesse Holley. The special team / practice squad guy who totally failed me last week by being half-responsible for that blocked punt that lost us the game. On the sidelines, a camera catches Tony grabbing Jesse by the shoulder pad and turning him around. Tony looks him straight in the eye and appears to give him some grave advice, I hope along the lines of “it is Legendary Redemption Time for both you and me. Neither of us was drafted, nobody ever thought we could be anything in this league, and both of us effed up royally last game. If we’re going to get through this, we’re going to get through this together, because we are all that’s left of this team and everyone is counting on us. Also, I have a fractured rib and potentially a collapsed lung. But we won’t let the others have died in vain - ARE YOU WITH ME, SOLDIER?” Unfortunately for my imagination, it was probably something a lot more mundane and reasonable, like: “you’re not going to be able to hear me in the huddle because I can’t take a full breath to yell over the crowd noise, but I want you to run a fade route and be ready to catch the ball.” Naturally Alison will probably not get points for this in the BQBL, because while it is replayed a lot on Sportscenter, it’s always followed by clips of epically heroic football from both Jesse Holley and Tony Romo (and Jason Witten!) to rally from down 10 points to win the game in overtime.
RAMS (bqb-npc) vs GIANTS (mqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams. Whatever, Rams and Giants.
