BQBL: Week 2 Recap

Welcome to the Recap of Sunday's games, exaggerated to increase Hollywood drama-factor by yours truly for your entertainment. Actual scores to come on Tuesday, or whenever the website we're using posts official numbers. In an interesting sideline, Grantland.com also has a "fantasy fantasy football league" where it ranks the so-called 'experts' from sites like nfl.com and espn.com on how well their fantasy picks worked out week to week. Talk about your meta-game!

BILLS (me) vs RAIDERS (rob)
In what might be a recurring theme for all of us at the start of the BQBL, people that were deliberately chosen to be underachievers significantly overachieved this week. For shame, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Jason Campbell! We expected you to be bad! Do you know where Ryan Fitzpatrick is from? Harvard. That is why I picked him. And the Bills are really bad, too. So when it was 21-3 in favor of the Raiders at halftime and Fitzpatrick hadn’t so much as sniffed the scoring side of the field, I was quite relieved and went back to sleep (it was still like 10am). I woke up to frantic shouts from the announcers that this game was “a nail biter” and “really heating up” - lo and behold, the Bills had scored on every second half possession to make it a 24-21 game. After a few more back-and-forths that had me wincing for my BQBL points (and Rob's) it was 35-31 with Oakland up, but the Bills had the ball with under 4 minutes to go and hurrying for a TD, as if they were some kind of competent team that wanted to win! How offensive. At any rate, they did get a touchdown, and it may count as -12 points for me, for Fitzpatrick leading a game-winning last minute drive for a TD. There was a little time left, so I crossed my fingers and hoped that those negative 12 points would go to Rob, on the off chance Jason Campbell could get his act (and team) together for his own game-winning TD drive at the last minute, but alas. Campbell turned out to be the more genuine failure. At least for today.

LIONS (alison) vs. CHIEFS (nan)
Grim tidings for Alison’s pick here. I thought she was on to something by picking cities full of hopelessness, but then again, maybe there’s nothing left to lose in Detroit (get it?!), and nothing left to live for except winning, because Matthew Stafford threw for nearly 300 yards and 4 touchdowns. Nan, on the other hand, seems to have found a sleeper pick in Matt Cassel, who threw for no touchdowns and 3 interceptions, in a hilarious 48-3 rout of the Kansas City Chiefs.

RAVENS (xian) vs. TITANS (bqb-npc)
I thought for sure Xian was crazy for picking the Ravens after they dismantled the Steelers in Week 1, but they appear to have forgotten there was the rest of the season still to be played, because they got smeared by the Tennessee Titans. It may have been a ‘hangover’ week, but Flacco was less than 50% completion with 2 interceptions and 1 TD.

BROWNS (alison) vs. COLTS (rob)
A fair to middlin’ game for both QBs, nothing to write home about, doesn’t look there’s anything fancy that will net big points for either side, but you may both take heart in the fact that you were both playing against pretty soft defenses. Once you play against a good team, I’m sure interceptions will pick up and fumbles will be extra costly. On the bright side for Rob, things in Indiana look to be getting fairly ugly for Kerry Collins - there may (somehow) be calls for Curtis Painter to take the field?

BUCCANEERS (nan) vs VIKINGS (bqb-npc)
Why didn’t I pick the Vikings? That’s the second collapse in two weeks, although McNabb’s numbers are markedly better than last weeks, so that means fewer points in the BQBL. Still, the Buc’s were toast at the half, 17-0 and outmanned and outgunned at every turn. They just weren’t intimidated by the likes of McNabb and the Purple Dudes with Big White Horns and laughed their way to victory in the second half. Josh Freeman had an interception, but overall, it looks like it’s going to be negative points for Nan.

JAGUARS (nan) vs. JETS (mqb-npc)
This, is where Nan is going to make money. My friends, we have our first QB Benching! Cheers all around, and congrats, Nan. Luke McCown was so bad that he was actually benched in the forth quarter after putting up only 59 yards and 4 interceptions. Blaine Gabbart, can you believe it! Second game of the season! It’s shaping up to be a miserable year for the Jaguars, and subsequently, a great pick for Nan.

SEAHAWKS (xian) vs. STEELERS (xian)
Tavaris Jackson had another unproductive day, managing a grand total of Zero Points, but Xian may offset himself by the Steelers having a solid roll-face of a completely inferior team.

CARDINALS (mqb-npc) vs. REDSKINS (me)
I picked Sexy Rexy (Rex Grossman) because of some epic 5-interception days that he used to have when he played for the Bears. The man is a meltdown waiting to happen. But no, he fails me once again with a solid day and only 2 interceptions. Cowboys play him next week - we’re banged up, but our pass rush is still solid, and Rexy should pretty much pee his little red spandex when he sees DeMarcus Ware coming at him, carrying half of his offensive line on his back.

PACKERS (gqb-npc) vs PANTHERS (nan)
Nan offsets his Jaguars pick with a Panthers pick that is looking bad for him in the first two weeks. I didn’t believe in Cam Newton either, but that’s two weeks in a row that the rookie #1 draft pick, Heisman winner has thrown for over 400 yards. But also 3 interceptions, maybe that will even things out a bit. I chalk it up to Nan not remember which ‘cat-mascot’ team was which, and just taking them both.

BENGALS (me) vs. BRONCOS (rob)
Another matchup between me and rob, and another pair of letdowns. The Bengals have been affectionately termed ‘the Bungles’ for many years now, and the Broncos have melted down at least three separate times in maybe less than two years. They were hot picks in the BQBL to say the least. There was an article in ESPN about how the Bengals were the worst-run team in the league, they’re constantly last in the power rankings, they’re starting a half-injured, red-headed QB that no one knows, and they’ve easily broken the record for most number of arrests on one roster - how could the Bengals not be powerhouses in any negative league?! Apparently, Andy Dalton can have a decent QB day while the rest of his team sucks, and poor coaching decisions lead to losing games. I mean, if it were a Bad Football Team League, I’d have this locked up and we could all go home, but Andy Dalton, I demand you stop overachieving from an impossible position right this instant. As for Rob, would you believe that the Broncos have been so devastated by the injury bug that they did, in fact, put Tim Tebow on the field - as a wide reciever?

TEXANS (xian) vs. DOLPHINS (rob)
Both teams have very middlin’ QBs and excellent runners, but they both also have very flashy wide receivers, so it’s going to be week to week with these teams. Basically, if a team is too dumb to double-cover the super-receiver (miami) the other team (houston) is going to have a great passing day. Sorry, Xian. I’m sure other teams are not as dumb at the Dolphins. As for Rob, the Texan defense may look dough-ish with Wade Philips at the helm, but he knows his defense. 1 INT, less than 50% passing completion, you’re off to a good start with Chad Henne, and the Dolphins open 0-2 at home. Calls for Matt Moore may be imminent!

EAGLES (alison) vs. FALCONS (mqb-npc)
There were a lot of turnovers, fumbles, interceptions, and Michael Vick got smashed in the face, but concussions no longer get you points in the BQBL! Vick had racked up over 300 yards and two passing TDs before leaving the game, and they didn’t put in Vince Young! The backup’s name was Kraft, and he was actually plenty accurate, so even though Vick is likely out for next week, we won’t know how they will perform just yet. Seems Vince Young is somewhat injured! I’m sure Alison will be biting her nails, hoping that Young will be better enough by next Sunday to make a mess out of the Eagle’s season. I’m hoping for it too, of course.

CHARGERS (gqb-npc) vs. PATRIOTS (gqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams, and good for us, because Christ on a Crutch, those two can throw. Brady racked up another 400+ passing yard day with three TD’s. Both he and Rivers should probably just go into modeling and leave the rest of us alone. We’re trying to win, here!

COWBOYS (alison) vs. 49ERS (me)
And now, we come to the epic game of the week. And when I say epic, I mean Hollywood. Maybe even Bollywood. Someone, somewhere, is going to make a movie out of this, just you wait and see.
Down 14-0 and nearing half time, things were looking bad for Dallas. Like, “what are you guys doing out there” bad. But a lucky break let Miles Austin into the end zone to make it 14-7 at the half. Coming out of the halftime break, Tony was grimacing, but heading out onto the field, when a someone from the medical staff stunned him with a tranquilizer and the crew dragged him back to the locker room for a CT scan (that was a lie, but he was super angry when they marched him off the field, so I shall embellish). The official word came out that he had fractured his ribs on the third play of the game, the medical staff was very angry with him for not telling them (that part’s a lie too, but I like to imagine), and was grounded for the remainder of the game. John Kitna was in. Alison’s hopes soared as Kitna threw into a wide open endzone to a dude in red. That is not a Cowboy’s color, John Kitna, just for your future reference. The guy you wanted to throw to? He was almost 15 yards to the right, and wearing white. Blown opportunity to even up the score. Luckily, Alex Smith can do nothing with it, and Kitna manages to get it to Miles Austin for another TD - remember, our other wide reciever, Dez Bryant, is out with injury for the whole game. But, after Kitna throws his second interception of the third quarter and the 49ers go up 21-14, you see Tony back on the sidelines, demanding of people where they put his helmet. “We put it in the trash, Tony. You’re supposed to be dead.” I like to imagine that if someone went back to the x-ray room at that point, they’d find all the medical staff, ninja’d to unconsciousness. “SOMEONE GIVE ME A HELMET,” you could see him roaring on the sidelines - rather, mouthing very loudly, because apparently he could not take a full breath during the course of the game, “I HAVE A GAME TO WIN”. Perhaps, in the movie version, he could also overturn a table, because I like that meme.
At any rate, down 24-14 (after some strange coaching decisions by San Francisco that will surely come back to haunt them in a Monday hangover) in the fourth quarter, Miles Austin makes an amazing, one-of-a-kind, unbelievable dive for a TD that speaks of a superhuman level of body control, and possibly an extreme level of desperation. For real, gravity said: “you’re going down at the 5 yard line” and Miles said: “Eff you, gravity, I’m going in for a touchdown, and no mere law of the universe is going to stop me.” Of course, he kind of hurt himself and we may lose him for two weeks. But he got the touchdown. I’m sure, in the movie, they’ll cart him off and he’ll give the team a thumbs up as he gets wheeled away. Didn’t you watch The Replacements?
So. Dez Bryant out, Miles Austin out. We’ve got no one left. Time to put in that one guy, that’s on the roster because Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin had a reality show and the winner got to go to training camp and Jerry kind of has a personal stake in this guy (me too - I watched that show). Jesse Holley. The special team / practice squad guy who totally failed me last week by being half-responsible for that blocked punt that lost us the game. On the sidelines, a camera catches Tony grabbing Jesse by the shoulder pad and turning him around. Tony looks him straight in the eye and appears to give him some grave advice, I hope along the lines of “it is Legendary Redemption Time for both you and me. Neither of us was drafted, nobody ever thought we could be anything in this league, and both of us effed up royally last game. If we’re going to get through this, we’re going to get through this together, because we are all that’s left of this team and everyone is counting on us. Also, I have a fractured rib and potentially a collapsed lung. But we won’t let the others have died in vain - ARE YOU WITH ME, SOLDIER?” Unfortunately for my imagination, it was probably something a lot more mundane and reasonable, like: “you’re not going to be able to hear me in the huddle because I can’t take a full breath to yell over the crowd noise, but I want you to run a fade route and be ready to catch the ball.” Naturally Alison will probably not get points for this in the BQBL, because while it is replayed a lot on Sportscenter, it’s always followed by clips of epically heroic football from both Jesse Holley and Tony Romo (and Jason Witten!) to rally from down 10 points to win the game in overtime.

RAMS (bqb-npc) vs GIANTS (mqb-npc)
No one took either of these teams. Whatever, Rams and Giants.

BQBL: Start

We found out about the Bad Quarterback League from Grantland. You can read about it there, but I'll give you the quick summary: you draft the teams, and the worse all the QBs on that team do, combined, the better your score, including off the field incidents and locker-room meltdowns. It gives you something to root for no matter what game you're watching (or are forced to watch), and sometimes it's nice to unabashedly root for someone to fail at their job.

Besides, of the five people involved, only Rob and I have any real interest in football - a regular fantasy league would be beyond the tolerance of the other constituents.

We did a snake-style draft (as suggested by Grantland) and the results are as follows:

Me: Bengals, Bills, Redskins, 49ers.

My knowledge of football probably undermined my choices. While I've chosen bad teams with questionable quarterbacks, the BQBL is only scored on QB play and off the field incidents, which I may not have a strong roster for. Oh well, if I get points at the end of the year for "tanking to win the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes" I'll be happy enough. I had to go with the Bengals as the first pick, and the remaining three all play the Cowboys - I was going to root against them, anyway.

Rob: Raiders, Broncos, Dolphins, Colts

Rob agonized the whole time on whether Peyton Manning will return to the Colts. Since our simple style of fantasy means all four of your teams count towards your score every week, P-Man could be seriously detrimental if he led a heroic late-season charge to the playoffs. Curtis Painter, though, have you seen him in previous preseasons? It's a high stakes gamble, is what I mean. As for the Broncos, he hopes there's a benching in Denver before too long. QB benchings are worth a ton of points.

Xian: Ravens, Seahawks, Texans, Steelers

Knowing pretty close to nothing about football, Xian just chose teams he's never heard of before. In the interest of fairness, I pointed out that the Ravens demolished the Steelers in week 1, and he just shrugged. He's right - in this kind of league, clearly anything can happen, what with the Steelers turning the ball over 7 times. I'm sure the Seahawks will do well (terribly) for him, at least.

Alison: Browns, Lions, Cowboys, Eagles

For her first two picks, Alison said she was going to pick the crappiest towns she could think of, and then the two quarterbacks who were most in the news. She doesn't follow football, but she knows the names Tony Romo and Michael Vick, and that's a good place to start in this league, when you're banking on "getting arrested" and "getting detained by police" points. Smart move.

Nan: Panthers, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Chiefs

With the Bengals off the board, Nan wanted all remaining 'cat' teams. Yup. That was his reasoning.

I divided the remaining teams into a kind of NPC rating, Good, Medium, and Bad QBs:

GQB-NPC: Patriots, Chargers, Saints, Packers

MQB-NPC: Giants, Falcons, Cardinals, Jets

BQB-NPC: Titans, Bears, Vikings, Rams

The Sing-Off 1-1

16 groups! New judge: Sarah Bareilles, who was in an acapella group at UCLA, apparently.

Better get to the groups (just 8 on the first night, 2 will be eliminated promptly) and keep it short!

YellowJackets, from the University of Rochester in New York. Only five of these 15 dudes (who wear bright yellow blazers) are from the Eastman School of Music? Maybe it's so prestigious that people are too busy doing solo tours around the world to be in acapella groups? I just thought all of them would be voice majors or something, not athletes. They had a really sweet video segment where they went to Kenya and sang with a ton of schoolchildren. In keeping with that theme, they sang a rendition of a World Cup song, "Waving Flag", which showcased their range well. Not exactly vocal range, but the superb beatboxing and choral support. I agreed with Sarah that the song didn't showcase everything they could potentially do, with a lack of intricate melodies ("but maybe it was the song and not you.... What? I'm new here, sorry!") so real judgment will have to wait.

Fannin Family, 8 siblings from Wisconsin. And that's not even all of them. There's 11, but 8 in the group, 3 guys, 5 girls. The youngest girl (14) is also their lead singer. They did a pretty, but kind of sleepy rendition of "Who Says" by Selena Gomez that put their harmonies and blend front stage, but quality didn't equate to excitement - they have less of a beatboxer than others, and they don't do almost any choreography. I think they picked a solid, easy first song for their lead so she could get past any stage jitters the first day and could come out with something more upbeat in the future. But will they have a second day? Looks like there will be an elimination after the first 4 groups...

Afro-Blue, from Howard University. A traditionally black university, but there's a white girl in their group? They sang "Put Your Records On", which is a great song for showcasing the abilities of the group, but if the lead had more to give, that's not the song that gave it. Beatboxer was great, though.

Delilah is a patchwork of girls from Season 1 and 2 groups. There was a bit of this in Season 2 already, so I personally don't mind, but I can see how others may object to this sort of repeated attempt. They sang "Grenade", which emphasized the great lead and the great beat and bass (yes, quality bass, no idea) but the middle chorus section didn't quite fill it in, which I suppose is a fundamental issue with all-lady groups.

----After a commercial break, that's it for Fannin Family, they got eliminated. Whew, that was quick.

Urban Method from Denver purports to be different because they have a rapper, but really, if you're doing remixes of songs, just about anyone can do the rap parts? I always thought a real rapper is the one who comes up with the rhymes, because repeating someone else's isn't actually terribly hard? Maybe I've been misinformed all this time. Anyhow, they are a group that was created by a mastermind, and I never like those. They did "Love the Way You Lie," which I also don't like, so this is probably going to be biased, ready? The song is unbalanced, and hardly showcases either the female lead, the male rapper, or the chorus. The group is unbalanced, because the male rapper is better at what he does than the female lead, and the part where they sing at once turned into a mess.

Cat's Pajamas, from Branson, Missouri, is a group that performs in one of the tons of live show theatres / inns there. There's only 5 of them - some of the other groups have had a bass and a beatboxer separate, so they seem to be at a disadvantage there, but they must certainly have the best choreography and stage experience. They sang "Some Kind of Wonderful" which is a little low on the excitement-scale, but technically well-executed.

Kinfolk 9 is supposed to be just a bunch of extended friends and family from Los Angeles? Judging by the opening number that included all the groups, they have the most talented individual lead singers, but somehow their beatboxer and chorus is not gelling? Or perhaps it was their arrangement of "Secrets"? I hope they get another chance, because all that showed me was that the two main singers have awesome potential, and the rest of them need some time and coaching together.

Vocal Point is from Brigham Young, 9 Mormon dudes singing "Jump, Jive, and Wail". It turned out really interesting, because it's a song full of instruments, and each one took an instrument. They were down one baritone / bass dude, because he flew home to Australia to be with his ailing father, so that may have hurt their robustness just a touch, but any more from the chorus, and the lead would've been smothered. It was fun, though, and I couldn't say that about all the other groups.

-----It comes down to Kinfolk 9 and Cat's Pajamas (Vocal Point and Urban Method are safe). It's technical perfection against huge potential for excitement. Honestly, I was hoping for Kinfolk 9, even though technical perfection should probably win it. Naturally they don't, and Cat's Pajamas are sent back to Branson, MO.

DWTS: Week 1

I realized recently that you can't watch everything on TV. And yet, somehow, I do. So, here's my helpful recap of the week's doings.

Dancing with the Stars opened with a new, three-tiered ballroom, with the celeb-aquarium replaced with more of a corner luxury box balcony area. The ballroom area seems extra large, and they like to brag that they have the biggest mirror ball in North America, for what that's worth.

Quick rundown of contestants (Scores are Carrie Ann - Len - Bruno):

Ron Artest - They are not using his new name, so you know. He was wearing just a glittered vest with a bowtie, no shirt, and his hair and goatee/mustache were all dyed blond, with something in black apparently written on the back of his head? It's... questionable. So are his dance moves. Basketball players have not done well on this show - too much length to try and control or extend during dance moves. Sticking with a partner must be plain impossible. Low scores all around. (5-4-5)

Rob Kardashian - Kim, Khloe, and Lamar were all front row seats. Lamar could have been there for Ron as well, har har. Kim was already on DWTS, if you didn't know, and got kicked off in the third episode, so he hopes to stick around a little longer than that, despite being ... less famous? That's the polite way to put it, I hope. The critique of his Viennese waltz was that he was TOO intent on diligently following Cheryl's orders and not actually leading. Kinda embarrassing for him, but hopefully he can take it in stride, he did say he's used to being told what to do by loud brunettes. Cheryl's advice is never wrong, so it's fine to obey all her orders at the start of the game. Dominatrix or no, Cheryl knows how to get it done. (6-5-5)

Kristin Cavallari - had to open her introduction segment with "I'm Kristin Cavallari, and I'm not a bitch!" So... Anyway her partner is Mark Ballas, and Mark knows how to work the television audience for votes. Also, he pushes his partners basically as hard as a real dancer, so you can always expect results. She just needs more oomph. Confidence, we call it when we want words and not sound effects. (7-6-6)

Chynna Phillips - one-third of the singing group Wilson Phillips ("Hold On", you remember?). It was a smooth waltz, but we'll have to see how she fares with a faster dance. (8-7-7)

Nancy Grace - I didn't know much about Nancy Grace except I didn't like her, because I can't watch her show for more than ten seconds. But apparently she used to be a prosecutor. No wonder she's always telling me what to think. After watching her rehearsal video and then seeing her on the dance floor in a skimpy little dress, I realized, that Marie Osmond probably collapsed that one time because they put those ladies in way too much Spanx. It must be a dangerous amount of Spanx. Regardless, I gotta give props to the makeup artists, outfit designers, spray tanners, and anyone they must hire to force jelly rolls into Spanx, because everyone looks good. Except Pamela Anderson that one time. Bad job there. Anyhow, the dance went remarkably okay. She isn't confident in her physical ability to deliver the dance moves as much as she is when she's pointing her finger at the screen and telling us who is guilty of what (she needs to fully extend her movements) but perhaps that will come in time. Her partner is new to the DWTS cast, and he has a pretty heavy Irish accent. (5-5-6)

David Arquette - The first question Kim, his partner, asked him, was "why are you doing this show?". He answered that he's been on some rollercoaster times recently, he's been sober for 8 months, and now he's just "focused on being president". He performed well, but looked especially nervous, and during post-dance interviews he had nothing short of muscle spasms and was wringing Kim's sleeve, tying it into knots and out of knots. I don't have any experience with alcoholism and withdrawal personally, but it always seems to me that becoming an ex-addict has many of the same symptoms as becoming an addict, is that not unusual? (6-6-6)

Elisabetta Canalis - an Italian model and actress, paired with Maxsim's little brother, Val. It's hard for them to understand one another (Italian / Russian) and it's hard for us to understand them in the video montages. She looks significantly less good close up and in HD, also. Musicality is bad, arms are questionable, but hips are okay. Is there some kind of Italian contingent that's going to vote for her? (5-5-5)

Hope Solo - Hope got Maks, and they a pair of big personalities in the same room at once. They got into it from the start, and you might've expected. Hope claims she's never grasped the concept of 'ladylike', but she did reasonably well for someone with such defined arm muscles. Except what seemed like a little bobble on the slippery high heels. If you've spent your whole life in tennis shoes, you sometimes forget that you've got to put your weight down precisely top-down in high heels, or potentially go shooting off to the side. (7-7-7)

Carson Kressley - I never got to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I know him from other style shows, he's everywhere. The first thing he said when he saw Anna Trebunskya was "Hey, you're not Maksim!" That man cannot stand up straight, and it's got to come back to hurt him later? The cha-cha was so outrageous (you know it, *snap!) and barely in control, but hey, it's a party dance! (6-5-6)

J.R. Martinez - Here's the quick version of his life story: exploded by a bomb in Iraq, rehab'd for forever, became a motivational speaker, became an actor on the soap opera All My Children, invited to Dancing with the Stars. He's unrelentingly positive and proud of his scars, and my new favorite quote is "there's only one thing the army didn't teach me: the Viennese Waltz!" I don't know if he's a natural, or if Karina is somehow able to drill musicality into her pupils. I think they've saddled her with tough prospects before, so it's probably J.R. - his arms are great, and emotion is good, feet can get a little ploddy, probably those army boots coming back to haunt him. Brooke asked him, during 'inane question time' if "eight years ago, when you were in the army, did you ever imagine yourself here, dancing in front of millions of people?" "Absolutely," he replied. (8-7-7)

Ricki Lake - where has she been all these years, one wonders. She also thinks she's overweight? I personally think ladies should just stop proposing they are "so overweight" and "need to get rid of all this" because did you see Kirstie Alley when she started? Do you see Chaz Bono? She's not really overweight compared to these people. She's about the size of Melissa Jeret Winokur (who also played Tracy Turnblad on Hairspray), and Melissa never complained. Anyhow, Derek Hough is back, and you know what to expect out of that: (7-6-7)

Chaz Bono - They try to keep the confusion down by not referring to him as 'daughter' in past tense, but on his bio, they do make reference to him being a 'lesbian', which is unhelpful. He's remarkably musical and light on his feet, but the belly certainly prevents a lot of moves, and he should be careful about the amount of time spent on his feet, after what we saw with The Woz. Lacey's hair is superblond now. (6-5-6)

------- Results show features Harry Connick Jr. and LMFAO (with Hok!) and Ron Artest was asked to leave, and he cheered himself right off the stage. I'm kind of sad, actually. I wanted to see what kind of crazy he would bring to the table.

Retrospective: Star Trek TNG

From the perspective of a child who grew up watching the Next Generation, the Original series is completely incomprehensible. They are two entirely different creatures. Along about the third season (I think it was the third?) Gene Roddenberry died. I don't want to disrespect the dead, but whoever took control of the series after that must have been a genius. Want more proof? They got rid of Wesley almost before they put the real man in the ground. No disrespect to Wil Wheaton, either, because everybody loves Wil Wheaton, but come on - Eugene Wesley Roddenberry. That's not just fanfiction, that's self-insert in the worst, almost criminal, way. Wesley Crusher had to be sacrificed. Almost everything about the first two seasons was lumped into a bin with the original series and burned in a pyre immediately.

But let's look at what remains more closely. I don't know how they got this show on the air (probably Gene Roddenberry's pedigree) or who they were targeting. Hollywood always targets an audience, at least these days, they do. Young males, young females, older folks, kids. TNG does not seems to target any of these. There's no rogue-ishly handsome lead character breaking all the rules to hunt down bad guys or solve mysteries. There's no earthy lead woman with sizzling relationship drama. There's not even character romantic tension (not much, anyway). It's a show full of rules, discipline, uniforms, and military jargon. They operate in an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar time. They used Whoopi Goldberg in a completely unorthodox role. Everything about it seems wrong on paper.

But mainly, I wonder who suggested Picard. He is your lead character - who suggested to the rest of the writers and producers that "hey let's make him an old, bald, curmudgeonly French dude!". I'm baffled, but in love.

Las Vegas, Part 1: Mandalay Bay

Las Vegas is probably a wasted place for us. We don't gamble, we don't go clubbing, we don't drink, and we are allergic to cigarette smoke. I know. It sounds bad. But we do kind of like the place. We like resorts, and we like eating until our guts fall out. So it'll just have to be a review of those two things.

TheHotel at Mandalay Bay (that's the name of the all-suite section of the hotel. TheHotel. I know, it's kind of weird.) is pretty nice. Unlike Vdara, it is connected to the rest of the Mandalay Bay, so it's just a quick walk to the casinos and other parts.

The suites are great. Living room with business/desk area, couch, tv, wetbar (and minibar), and then a door to the bedroom, which is really beautiful. Floor to ceiling windows, like all the Mandalay Bay, one-direction windows, so you're free to leave the curtains open, I suppose. The bedroom has two mirror-fronted closets, and the television is situated in front of the bed, but can also be hidden in the dark wood and mirrored closet. The main bathroom has the most massive bathtub I've ever seen, a separate toilet closet, a glass stand-up shower, and another tv. Just in case the other two weren't enough to go around. With the included bath salts, you could spend a lot of time in that tub, watching tv or whatever. You could have a party in there. It is really that big. The best part of the separate bedroom, though, is that the recessed entry door to the suite (there's a half bath by the entry, too cool), the living room area, and the door to the bedroom, provide plenty of sound barriers - drunken revelers in the hallway won't bother you one bit, in the privacy of your bedroom. Unless they press your doorbell, I guess. All in all, it is an awesome room, full of all the comforts of home and then some, and it puts into question whether they want you to come down to the casino at all. I certainly don't.

But we went downstairs for Lion King. Amazing. Production value just plain through the roof. Hydraulic stage bits, immense costumes, huge cast, the works. Still pretty much word-for-word the movie, but just like Beauty and the Beast, you can't mess with a winning formula.

And we went downstairs to check out the beach, which is only open in the summertime. It has a massive wavepool, and several adult-pools. But it was hot like only the scorching desert can be hot, and it was crowded, and get this: the cover charge for the day-club pool was $60. Six-Zero. Sixty. Dollars. I can only hope I heard him wrong, but no amount of day clubbing is worth that kind of money, and the music was somewhat questionable, besides. All in all, they advertise that they made an entire beach, and there WERE sand and waves, but it didn't really create the atmosphere I was expecting. I mean, what sand there is, is covered with lounge chairs. The walkways are still concrete and temporary flooring structure. The 'beachside casino' is neither beachside, nor casual, and the lazy river is pretty short. You can get wet, and there are some pool-side concerts, that's about it. Don't get your expectations too up.

Next time: The Aria at CityCenter, and a detailed comparison of brunch menus.

LoL: Soraka

I want to talk to you about Soraka. I should put it in song and submit it to that Songs of the Summoned thing, but let me just put it down for you right now. There are particular champs that Soraka does not like to play against:

Soraka does not like Akali. A good Akali always seems to make it her business to mount Soraka heads on her wall. She comes after me with a single-mindedness that borders on OCD. And it only takes her a flick of her eyelid to put me in a shallow grave and then move on to the rest of the team.

Similar champs with gap closers: Irelia, Master Yi, Nidalee, Pantheon, Xin Zhao, Jax, Lee Sin, Poppy, Kassadin (Fiddlesticks and Nocturne with their ults). But for some reason, Akali is the one who most wants to come around the back of my team to snatch me up first. The others are often real carries and end up doing their fighting up front with the other people on my team besides me.

Soraka does not like Veigar. The tiny master of evil has it in for all AP champs, and Soraka is easily murdered by his combo in an instant. If he ever gets in range, it's curtains for Soraka. Even if he catches someone else, it's usually too much burst for any heals to save a teammate, which really makes Soraka a useless member of the team.

Similar champs who burst too fast: Master Yi, Annie, Cho'Gath, Fiddlesticks, Kassadin, Katarina, LeBlanc (sometimes), Ryze, Tryndamere.

Soraka does not like Warwick. Does anyone? The amount of time that you're suppressed is always enough for Warwick's friends to end your life, and there's literally nothing you can do about it.

Similar champs who disable for too long: Malzahar, Fiddlesticks, Blitzcrank, Veigar.

The champions Soraka does have an advantage over:

• Soraka is good against Karthus. His global ult is generally defeated by my global ult - I've played entire games where Karthus ult killed precisely no one on my team.
• Soraka is good against Nunu and Katarina, who channel their ults from the middle of the enemy team. They are easy to silence with a single click and then they're vulnerable to the vengeance of my teammates. Miss Fortune is always a bit farther away, and Fiddlesticks channels before Crowstorm, where you can't see him, so they are not nearly as easy to silence.
• Soraka is good against poke champions like Gragas and Caitlyn. With enough AP, Soraka fixes poke damage instantly. If the enemy team can't burst multiple people to death in under 5 seconds, you can bet that no one is going to die this game.
• Soraka is good against melee champions like Garen and Amumu. When they wade in, silence stops them from executing their combos and limits them to just auto attack for a moment. Ranged champions are harder to reach with silence.

I hope you've learned something about Soraka today. Yes, there are times when Soraka is absolutely abysmal, and you can usually tell what kind of game it's going to be from the get-go based on champion select. Blind pick can be a little tough on Soraka, but now you know when to pick her in ranked.